The Sturdy Beggar

[penguin]

He bears a cornucopia
of psychiatric symptoms
and gives me claustrophobia
when I spot him in the distance.
Instantly I’m lonelier,
that old familiar sickness:
the seasoned melancholia
that turkeys feel at Christmas.
He’s purporting to be holier
but as Heaven is my witness,
he’s out to get one over you
and he'd screw his ma for sixpence.
Beware the gloomy brochure -
he isn’t kosher.

He’ll sing a song of suicide
and the cuffs upon his wrists
will rise enough to catch my eyes
but I’m unconvinced by this.
I recognise who’s bona fide
and he isn’t on that list.
He starts a war and then subsides
when the touch-paper is lit,
conquers you and then divides
your loyalties bit by bit;
he sells weapons to both sides
though he knows it’s not legit.
He’s gamekeeper and poacher -
he isn’t kosher.

I’ve had more than my quota
of his brainless, boorish banter.
There ought to be a rota,
someone else should have to answer
when his mouth begins to motor
as he pulls another flanker
lying sprawled across the sofa
where his arse has dropped the anchor.
Watch him play the passive smoker
while infecting us with cancer!
How I wish he were remoter
than the coast of Casablanca!
He’s a hoodwinker and hoaxer –
he isn’t kosher.

[tectak]

He bears a cornucopia
of psychiatric symptoms
and gives me claustrophobia
when I spot him in the distance.
Instantly I’m lonelier,
that old familiar sickness:
the seasoned melancholia seasoned is excellent so I dare not hint that youmight have meant seasonal
that turkeys feel at Christmas.
He’s purporting to be holier
but as Heaven is my witness,
he’s out to get one over you
and he'd screw his ma for sixpence.
Beware the gloomy brochure -
he isn’t kosher.

He’ll sing a song of suicide
and the cuffs upon his wrists
will rise enough to catch my eyes
but I’m unconvinced by this.
I recognise who’s bona fide
and he isn’t on that list.
He starts a war and then subsides
when the touch-paper is lit,
conquers you and then divides
your loyalties bit by bit;
he sells weapons to both sides
though he knows it’s not legit.
He’s gamekeeper and poacher -
he isn’t kosher.

I’ve had more than my quota
of his brainless, boorish banter.
There ought to be a rota,
someone else should have to answer
when his mouth begins to motor
as he pulls another flanker
while lay sprawled across the sofa
where his arse has dropped the anchor.
Watch him play the passive smoker
while infecting us with cancer!
How I wish he were remoter
than the coast of Sri Lanka! off Casablanca
He’s a hoodwinker and hoaxer –
he isn’t kosher.

Marry me. Love it. Smooth, accomplished, purposeful, meaningful, rhyhmical.
Very good write. Almost dares criticism!
Best,
Tectak

[Erthona]

"while lay sprawled" ?

While there are some clever lines in S3. I think the point had been made by the send of S2, making most of S3 somewhat gratuitous.

The use of "remoter " seems a tad forced.

The rhythm seems off with

"He’s a hoodwinker and hoaxer –
he isn’t kosher."

Maybe

He’s a hoodwinker, a hoaxer –
he isn’t even kosher.

Overall a good poem I think, well formed, and lean, especially the first two stanzas, which is probably why stanza 3 sticks out so much, seeming ad hoc and bloated by comparison.

Dale

[billy]

He bears a cornucopia
of psychiatric symptoms
and gives me claustrophobia
when I spot him in the distance.
Instantly I’m lonelier,
that old familiar sickness:
the seasoned melancholia
that turkeys feel at Christmas. i laughed, great two lines.
He’s purporting to be holier
but as Heaven is my witness,
he’s out to get one over you
and he'd screw his ma for sixpence.
Beware the gloomy brochure -
he isn’t kosher. feels to abrupt meter-wise

He’ll sing a song of suicide
and the cuffs upon his wrists
will rise enough to catch my eyes
but I’m unconvinced by this.
I recognise who’s bona fide
and he isn’t on that list.
He starts a war and then subsides
when the touch-paper is lit,
conquers you and then divides
your loyalties bit by bit;
he sells weapons to both sides
though he knows it’s not legit.
He’s gamekeeper and poacher -
he isn’t kosher. feels off meter-wise

I’ve had more than my quota
of his brainless, boorish banter.
There ought to be a rota,
someone else should have to answer
when his mouth begins to motor
as he pulls another flanker
while lay sprawled across the sofa would 'and lays' work better?
where his arse has dropped the anchor. hehe good funny line/image
Watch him play the passive smoker
while infecting us with cancer!
How I wish he were remoter
than the coast of Sri Lanka!
He’s a hoodwinker and hoaxer –
he isn’t kosher.

loved it. i thought in parts it didn't flow as well as it could have but i think sharpening the meter would be an easy fix for the person who wrote this. some excellent lines that portray so well a scrounger who knows how to milk the system. i liked the humour in the telling of the piece. all i had for nits was the meter thing. i thought it was original and well done. i do agree with Dale that the first two verse were the strongest. that said i also enjoyed the last one,

thanks for the read.

[penguin]

Thanks for the comments.
Tectak. Sorry, I'm spoken for. But thanks for the offer.I meant seasoned, yes, as in familiar but I also had seasoning/stuffing in mind.
Ta for Casablanca! It's not as far but rolls off the tongue a lot better.

Dale.Thanks for highlighting "while lay sprawled". I think lying sprawled will be better.I tend to agree about the 3rd verse but I'll keep it anyway. I don't know if anyone on here is old enough to recall Ian Dury, but I think the poem was influenced by some song of his and the end line of each verse - he isn't kosher - is meant to be snarled Dury-style after a pause.

Billy.I can't decide which is best - turkeys feel at Christmas - turkeys feel for Christmas.I was a Psychiatric Nurse for many years and met a few of this ilk.

[Philatone]

hello penguin!

He bears a cornucopia
of psychiatric symptoms
and gives me claustrophobia
when I spot him in the distance.
Instantly I’m lonelier,
that old familiar sickness:
the seasoned melancholia
that turkeys feel at Christmas.
He’s purporting to be holier
but as Heaven is my witness,
he’s out to get one over you
and he'd screw his ma for sixpence.
Beware the gloomy brochure -
he isn’t kosher.

He’ll sing a song of suicide
and the cuffs upon his wrists
will rise enough to catch my eyes
but I’m unconvinced by this. ....feels a tad like forced filler; I think it's the "this". finding a way to end on "unconvinced" could make it a little smoother
I recognise who’s bona fide
and he isn’t on that list.
He starts a war and then subsides
when the touch-paper is lit, ...stumbled a bit while reading this line. think it's the "the touch"
conquers you and then divides
your loyalties bit by bit;
he sells weapons to both sides
though he knows it’s not legit.
He’s gamekeeper and poacher -
he isn’t kosher.

I’ve had more than my quota
of his brainless, boorish banter.
There ought to be a rota,
someone else should have to answer
when his mouth begins to motor
as he pulls another flanker
lying sprawled across the sofa
where his arse has dropped the anchor. great line, maybe my favorite so far
Watch him play the passive smoker
while infecting us with cancer!
How I wish he were remoter
than the coast of Casablanca! ...this is great
He’s a hoodwinker and hoaxer –
he isn’t kosher.

I have few comments to add, so i won't be of much help. it's strong. the flow is wonderful. I found the first stanza the strongest (i feel like in pieces like this, with a form like this, the first stanza tends to be that way).

afterwards, what with the freshness wearing off, the descriptions (and really, that is what they are) begin to lose a bit of their effect. lines like the Casablanca and the anchor in the last stanza do keep the fire going. it really felt like something fun to write, and it was fun to read

[addy]

Great piece. This is just a nit but I think it could be edited some more, in that some of the lines are more inspired than others, and do a lot more for the piece. So there are other lines that are mediocre by comparison, and they end up reading as forced and long-winded by comparison. Just my taste though. Overall I really enjoyed it ( I really liked the first stanza especially)

[billy]

Billy.I can't decide which is best - turkeys feel at Christmas - turkeys feel for Christmas.I was a Psychiatric Nurse for many years and met a few of this ilk.

i don't think it matters really the lines good to go as it is for me.

[penguin]

Thanks all. I've never been happy with that "unconvinced by this" line but I'd never considered ending on "unconvinced". Well, now I am, so ta for that.