Sea Quest:

[billy]

a really old write than people can go to town on (i know how bad it is so real honesty won't hurt me you bastards.) on a serious not. i did an edit come reworking and it wasn't much better. my intent is to get this bugger as good as i can. it's here because it would be a mockery to place it in serious. and i couldn't get solid feedback in mild or novice. (the first person to say "put it in the for fun forum will be shot )

---

Sea Quest:

On gently rocking boat I stood
in swell of turquoise sea
I fell or jumped, in ocean deep
Sirens aria plagued my mind

icy waters, stole my very breath
darkness crept, within a tortured soul
thoughts to life had left my heart
until I saw your angel face appear

kiss you gave with tender lips
replenished me with life
silken darkness of your hair
framed elfin featured face

startled, I saw your lower form
streamlined shape, aquatic in its grace
seamless colours shimmering hues
of sunlight, dappled eerie blue

with smile you touched, dispelling fear
which lay unclothed within a beating heart
enchanting echoes, swirled in lyrical delight
sweet voice, caressing with passions song

I gazed with adoration, as my eyes beheld
resplendent colour, dance on satin skin
from alabaster torso, to curve of pearl smooth breasts
adorned with golden tints of flowing hair

held captive by angelic charm of smiling face
you bade me follow, grasped my hand
diving deep, escorting dolphins led
taking leave from usual dolphin play

down we plunged, into deep blue bright
lichens luminessed with muted greens
giant clams lined seabed paths like living jewels
iridescent, smooth to eye and fingers dance

copse of purple fronds, swayed in unison
silvered sea anemones, a living undergrowth
whilst I marvelled, at this wondrous scene
deft flick of sensuous tail, left me feeling incomplete

your return, heralded by myriads of creatures
cavorting playfully, you serenely swam to me in grace
in your hands, a harp of fine tooled narwhale horn
you played, told me wonders of your under-water world

I heard your words, as they transfixed me to the core
tales of how in eons past, from co-existence with my kind
grew a cancer, in psychopathic minds of men
that drove you to seclusion, hid you from their eyes

as hours passed, you taught me purity of love
your tail brushed like satin, against my flesh
soft kiss you laid upon my lips, unleashed my soul
I had to leave or lose all vestige of the man I was

three years have passed, in ridicule I told my tale
was scorned by those who have no heart or mind
so with hope of finding love once more
I stand on deck of boat and call my lovers name

no more a want of fellow man, my void they cannot fill
would that I, could give these legs as token to my want
without regret of what I lose, without remorse or sorrow
I give this worthless life of mine, accept or let it pass

dark enshrouds me, I sink... fire fills my chest
heartbeats pound a slower intermittent beat
if price of life I pay, is less than cost to love
at least I knew the beauty of your caring soul

lightness, it is you my queen
my legs… no my tail! I am, as you it seems
in nights of torment have I dared to dream
that you would deign to save, an anguished soul as me

be silent, let me cradle you too life
let strength replenish all you are too me
could denial of such courageous love be mine
how can I deny such sacrifice of heart

[billy]

that good is it

[Erthona]

Well the first two lines are ballad meter, but then it goes south quickly.

Please fix to alternating lines of iambic tetrameter and trimeter (or meter of your choice, and/or accentual verse) with a total of 4 lines per stanza.

Example:

There once was a dog whose name was Will,
he wanted to go to sea,
but he couldn't get his semen papers,
cause he had no balls!

Will view after recompile.

Ciao (chow)
__________________________________________
Dale

[Indie]

The flow is inconsistent and jars the reader in places, where it's cut off or continues on.

[billy]

i'm going to do an edit based on dale's feedback to see if i can clean it up meter-wise. (on monday)

[billy]

it looks like it's going to be completely different. can i ask if this meter works?

On the gently rocking boat I stood
in the swells of a turquoise sea;
a friendship sloop with a broadened beam
and a cabin just for me

In the world forgot, a sailor's knot
a breezy sail, the west wind's tail
and those things that make a man forget
when he's gone beyond the pail

[tectak]

it looks like it's going to be completely different. can i ask if this meter works?

On the gently rocking boat I stood9A
in the swells of a turquoise sea;8B
a friendship sloop with a broadened beam9C
and a cabin just for me7B

In the world forgot, a sailor's knot9A
a breezy sail the west wind's tail8B
and those things that make a man forget9C
when he's gone beyond the pail7B[/b]

OK, billy. Let's get down to it. Syllable count does not necessarily dictate meter....suck that egg.....but it is a good starting point. Rhyme scheme does not have to carry from stanza to stanza....but it helps.
In the two stanzas above it would be difficult to believe that you didn't try to "fix" the syllable count as the two stanzas are 9,8,9,7 but a straight OUT LOUD read will show that the rhythm still works in spite of the 7 syllable end line.Why is this? Well, it is largely down to a phenomena of poetry!!! When we expect rhyme and don't get it we say that the piece "falters" BUT if we expect nothing all is well. The same applies to rhythm and the use of the crit word "falters" seems to be used indiscriminately to describe these two poetic constructs, even when accidentally employed by writers
You have done enough in these two stanzas to "lower" the expectation of a possible rhyme and so yes, it works! ABAB would not be difficult to achieve because it is often as difficult to AVOID a rhyme as it is to contrive one! It would seem churlish not to bring the RHYME scheme in to charted waters whilst in the area.
eg The stanzas can be so formalised thus, IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT SO!

On the gently rocking boat I stood
in the swells of a turquoise sea
a friendship sloop of league worn wood
and a cabin just for me.

In a world unknown, a sailor's knot,
a taught sheet tugs the west wind's tail;
those things that many a man forgot
as he chased a billowed sail.

You will see now that the METER of S2 (now that it is established) relies upon the splitting of syllables (emphasis still natural, though!) so that:

(and/a)(cab/in)/just/for/me
sets the scheme in S2

thus
(as /he)/(chased /a)/ (bill/owed)/ sail.

Carry on like this and you will get brownie points from old purists like me but remember:

Be kind to your web-footed friends,
for a duck may be somebody's mother.
It lives on the edge of a swamp,
where the weather is very damp.
You may think that this is the end,
well it is.

Best,
tectak

[Arachne]

a really old write than people can go to town on (i know how bad it is so real honesty won't hurt me you bastards.) on a serious not. i did an edit come reworking and it wasn't much better. my intent is to get this bugger as good as i can. it's here because it would be a mockery to place it in serious. and i couldn't get solid feedback in mild or novice. (the first person to say "put it in the for fun forum will be shot )

---

Sea Quest:

On gently rocking boat I stood
in swell of turquoise sea
I fell or jumped, in ocean deep
Sirens aria plagued my mind

icy waters, stole my very breath
darkness crept, within a tortured soul
thoughts to life had left my heart
until I saw your angel face appear

kiss you gave with tender lips
replenished me with life
silken darkness of your hair
framed elfin featured face

startled, I saw your lower form
streamlined shape, aquatic in its grace
seamless colours shimmering hues
of sunlight, dappled eerie blue

with smile you touched, dispelling fear
which lay unclothed within a beating heart
enchanting echoes, swirled in lyrical delight
sweet voice, caressing with passions song

I gazed with adoration, as my eyes beheld
resplendent colour, dance on satin skin
from alabaster torso, to curve of pearl smooth breasts
adorned with golden tints of flowing hair

held captive by angelic charm of smiling face
you bade me follow, grasped my hand
diving deep, escorting dolphins led
taking leave from usual dolphin play

down we plunged, into deep blue bright
lichens luminessed with muted greens
giant clams lined seabed paths like living jewels
iridescent, smooth to eye and fingers dance

copse of purple fronds, swayed in unison
silvered sea anemones, a living undergrowth
whilst I marvelled, at this wondrous scene
deft flick of sensuous tail, left me feeling incomplete

your return, heralded by myriads of creatures
cavorting playfully, you serenely swam to me in grace
in your hands, a harp of fine tooled narwhale horn
you played, told me wonders of your under-water world

I heard your words, as they transfixed me to the core
tales of how in eons past, from co-existence with my kind
grew a cancer, in psychopathic minds of men
that drove you to seclusion, hid you from their eyes

as hours passed, you taught me purity of love
your tail brushed like satin, against my flesh
soft kiss you laid upon my lips, unleashed my soul
I had to leave or lose all vestige of the man I was

three years have passed, in ridicule I told my tale
was scorned by those who have no heart or mind
so with hope of finding love once more
I stand on deck of boat and call my lovers name

no more a want of fellow man, my void they cannot fill
would that I, could give these legs as token to my want
without regret of what I lose, without remorse or sorrow
I give this worthless life of mine, accept or let it pass

dark enshrouds me, I sink... fire fills my chest
heartbeats pound a slower intermittent beat
if price of life I pay, is less than cost to love
at least I knew the beauty of your caring soul

lightness, it is you my queen
my legs… no my tail! I am, as you it seems
in nights of torment have I dared to dream
that you would deign to save, an anguished soul as me

be silent, let me cradle you too life
let strength replenish all you are too me
could denial of such courageous love be mine
how can I deny such sacrifice of heart

Your words bear merit based on the story it tells. Perhaps I cannot critique you as the others because I see something here that is similar to folklore. In my personal opinion, I think you did a wonderful job in showing how you escaped death yet long to go where you may not return to again.

Lorelei
According to German legend, there was once a beautiful young maiden, named Lorelei, who threw herself headlong into the river in despair over a faithless lover. Upon her death she was transformed into a siren and could from that time on be heard singing on a rock along the Rhine River, near St. Goar. Her hypnotic music lured sailors to their death.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorelei
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairy

Thank you for the lovely read.

[billy]

i have looked this over and tried to make sense of it and can only say i feel it's beyond redemption as far as an edit goes.
on this basis i'll try and do a poem in it's stead from scratch. wile an odd line in this may be okay, i think the fruit is too ripe to save. my edit will be as a the phoenix risen. thanks for all the input and feedback, while i won't delete it, i will leave it as an example of a poem gone too far to be saved

[Erthona]

Billy,

Sorry, I didn't see this was back up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Wait. Tom read it in syllables, and you are writing in accentual verse, syllables only help if you are writing in meter, which you are not. So lets see. In accentual verse you only count the hard stresses.

On the gently rocking boat I stood 4
in the swells of a turquoise sea; 3
a friendship sloop with a broadened beam 4
and a cabin just for me 3

That's correct, you have written the equivalent of ballad meter in accentual verse. It only need rhyme on lines 2 and 4.

However in the next stanza this line is a foot too long

"a breezy sail, the west wind's tail"

And while the form allows you to rhyme on 1 and 3, you probably want to try and be consistent.

So if you are not going to rhyme 1 and 3 in stanza one, you should probably stick with that. There are times when one can break that rule, but this probably isn't one of those times.

So redo the rest of the poem, and lets have a look see. K?

Dale

PS PM me so I will know when you put something up.

[billy]

i see what you're saying. fair do's first thing monday i'll try and sort it out in accentual verse
in the breezy sail line i thought it was supposed to be 4 stressed syls?