Love and war

[Chaotic Body]

(v1.2)

(an image goes with this poem.)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:GHR1.jpg

Soldier saviour surrenders candy
For a confident boy in the sandland
Brings hope to the son, but buries his father-
Shoots caseload of lead,
Shed from bullions of beautiful wealth-nation gold.
In Christian God's name, widow-hands tremble with the body,
Wraught in disbelief; shocked and unsettled.


A year away: serving souls torn in the silence of solemn report
That the villagers will find... a dead daughter amongst mortar fragments.
Killer cries, slumped with his head in his hands.
Like a memory felt along a scar,
This will jerk back when he sees children.


(end)
(v1.0)


The saviour saves the son, but buries the father
In a caseload of lead shed from bullion beautiful gold
In God's word, someone hugs the slump with trembling fingers which,
In the cold dusk of the sandland, let slip like dug soil-
Faith in humanity.


A year away: soldiers' souls torn in the silence of solemn report
That the villagers are looking for a dead daughter...
Lost in the long night of mortar-bombing. The unwitting killer
Cries, slumped with his head in his hands. Like the scars of split heads,
His memory will jerk back when he sees children.




(end)
I want to know what works and what really doesn't.
Thanks in advance

[Philatone]

hey chaotic!

+'s
emotion is great, I can feel that you really want to get into this piece

I think the topic is perfect for it (though not exactly fresh)

the second stanza gave me a bit more to play with, to be honest. I think that is the heart of the poem

-'s
lots of description (which is fine), but I don't get a sense of a lot of action happening. In a sense, this poem relates a single second. why not show a progression? I think it would develop elements of a story and give the reader a bit more to hang on to (e.g., rather than say they are searching for a daughter, can you narrate the search, even for just a line or two?)

the ending, with a lot of potential to be strong, seems a bit forced. it simply tells too much. I wouldn't let your intention and desire to express an emotion get the best of your words; otherwise, the reader is kind of beaten over the head with what you want to say. why not describe an episode of memory of a child? why do I have to be told?

just some things to ponder. take what you like, if any

[Chaotic Body]

thanks for the input

updated