Last Parade (original back at Billy's request)

[Indie]

Take me out for our last parade
to spin me in dizzy circles of the carousel
before you love me and leave me behind
gazing emptily at silent skies
a fist full of ashes to smoke through the bong
I used to think symbolized our love

And it feels like forever could hide
in every heaving breath of smoke inhaled
when we’re going out and we’re coming home
to the skeleton of a house filled
with could-have-been’s
fucking the ghosts of should-have-been’s

The only place we’re still us
a torn and tangled mess of clothes
scattered through with the ink stains
of love stories untold in keyed-out hearts
whispering forever in every outward breath
that only led us closer to post-fuck cigarettes

So take me out just one more time
to dance high among the moon beams
dizzy and laughing, purged momentarily
of our lovely failings, lost on the carousel
before I love you and leave you behind
to gather the ashes you’ll smoke up in the bong

remembering our last parade

---

I do like this poem and the images I used here, it was a lot of fun to write, though in hindsight it doesn't make much sense. To me this is two poems rolled into one; the skeleton home with the post-fuck cigarettes, and the last parade. I did however write them as one poem, and untangling them is going to be interesting.

[Erthona]

Since Billy requested this, I was gonna wait on him, but I think he is out for a few days.

I agree with your assessment. I would add that the "bong" metaphor is interesting, but you don't really get much out of it (pun intended), nor do you use it to it's best advantage. So that could be something to think on while detangling and conditioning!

Dale

[Indie]

Thanks Dale I agree this isn't as strong as it could be. I think I'm just going to leave this one for a couple of days and see what other feedback I get. That and I want to get a bit of time and perspective on it before I just untangling so I don't just rip it to pieces.

[Indie]

Billy are you going to get back to me on this one

[billy]

sorry for not getting back to this indie

Take me out for our last parade
to spin me in dizzy circles of the carousel
before you love me and leave me behind a little clichéd
gazing emptily at silent skies
a fist full of ashes to smoke through the bong the bong works all hail the bong
I used to think symbolized our love

And it feels like forever could hide
in every heaving breath of smoke inhaled
when we’re going out and we’re coming home
to the skeleton of a house filled
with could-have-been’s
fucking the ghosts of should-have-been’s i like the brash mouthiness of this line

The only place we’re still us
a torn and tangled mess of clothes
scattered through with the ink stains
of love stories untold in keyed-out hearts i like the coke reference (if that's what it was,
whispering forever in every outward breath
that only led us closer to post-fuck cigarettes

So take me out just one more time
to dance high among the moon beams
dizzy and laughing, purged momentarily
of our lovely failings, lost on the carousel
before I love you and leave you behind
to gather the ashes you’ll smoke up in the bong

remembering our last parade

---

I do like this poem and the images I used here, it was a lot of fun to write, though in hindsight it doesn't make much sense. To me this is two poems rolled into one; the skeleton home with the post-fuck cigarettes, and the last parade. I did however write them as one poem, and untangling them is going to be interesting.

i enjoyed the read. it doesn't smash me in the face but it has enough decent images that are able to carry the weaker points. in places it has a couple of clichés but i didn't mind them, it wasn't a sad poem, just realistic bust up that was accepted by the narrator. i thought it much better than the first version.

thanks for the read

[addy]

I recall commenting on this about the smoking imagery and their relevance (or not) to your main point.. I think you summed it up well... this would work great as a more focused piece, perhaps by splitting it up. It's nice re-reading this piece again; there's a lot to like

[Wildcard]

Hi Indie,

I am a huge pothead (or at least I have been for years) and I enjoyed the references in this one as well as the underlying metaphor for personal relationships. I feel quite sure that this could be a really great poem with a little work.

I'm envious of the last stanza as I have always searched for phrasing that equals that and never quite found it in my own brain- while it did seem a little direct at first further reading gave me a sense that there is much more below the surface.

Thanks for sharing. Again :p