Back to Black

[Indie]

V:6
It’s liquid death
These thoughts of you
Tobacco scented
With a whiskey’d song
To sing me home
Into the empty arms
Of a broken bed

Where I dream of tears
Carving pictures in my skin
My face a landscape
Of technicoloured memories
Fading to black
In my haunted
Midnight reflection
Like the kiss
Of a self-fulfilling prophecy

Drowning languid
In the whiskey’d hymn
Of lonely lies
Among stagnant smoke
Suffocating in the cold night air

V:5
It’s liquid death
These thoughts of you
Tobacco scented
With a whiskey’d song
To sing me home
Into the empty arms
Of a broken bed

Where I dream of tears
Carving pictures in my skin
My face a landscape
Of technicoloured memories
Fading to black
In my haunted
Midnight reflection
Like the kiss
Of a self-fulfilling prophecy

Drowning languid
In the whiskey’d hymn
Of lonely lies
Among stagnant smoke
Dissipating in the cold night air

V:4
It’s liquid death
These thoughts of you
Tobacco scents
And a whiskey’d song
To sing me home
Into the empty arms
Of an broken bed

Where I dream of tears
Carving pictures in my skin
My face a landscape
Of technicoloured memories
Fading to black
In my haunted
Midnight reflection
Like the kiss
Of a self-fulfilling prophecy

Drowning languid
In the whiskey’d hymn
Of lonely lies
Among stagnant smoke
Dissipating in the cold night air

...

V:3 (Small tweak)
It’s liquid death
These thoughts of you
Tobacco scents
And a whiskey’d song
To sing me home
Into the empty arms
Of a broken bed

Where I dream of tears
Carving pictures in my skin
My face a landscape
Of technicoloured memories
Fading to black
In my midnight reflection
Like the kiss
Of a self-destructive
Self-fulfilling prophecy

Drowning languid
In a whiskey’d song
Of lonely lies among
Stagnant tobacco smoke
Dissipating in the cold night air

V:2
It’s a liquid death
These thoughts of you
Tobacco scents
And a whiskey’d song
To sing me home
Into the empty arms
Of an empty bed

Where I dream of tears
Carving pictures in my skin
My face a landscape
Of technicoloured memories
Fading to black
In my midnight reflection
Like the kiss
Of a self-destructive
Self-fulfilling prophecy

Drowning languidly
In a whiskey’d song
Of lonely lies among the
Stagnant tobacco smoke
Dissipating in the cold night air

V:1
It’s a liquid death
These thoughts of you
Tobacco scents
And a whiskey’d song
To sing me home
Into the empty arms
Of an empty bed

Where I dream of tears
Carving pictures in my skin
My face a landscape
Of technicoloured memories
Fading to black
In my vampire reflection
Like the kiss
Of a self-destructive
Self-fulfilling prophecy

Remembered only
In the drunken song
Of stagnant tobacco smoke
Dissipating in the cold night air

[Philatone]

hey indie!
really quick thoughts

It’s a liquid death
These thoughts of you
Tobacco scents
And a whiskey’d song...thought about switching this line and the line before, to draw a closer connection between "liquid" and "whiskey"
To sing me home
Into the empty arms
Of an empty bed

Where I dream of tears
Carving pictures in my skin
My face a landscape
Of technicoloured memories
Fading to black
In my vampire reflection...this line threw me off a bit; not sure of the intention
Like the kiss
Of a self-destructive
Self-fulfilling prophecy...in some ways, "self-fulfilling prophecy" already conveyed that sense of negativity by itself; not sure if the "self-destructive" is needed

Remembered only
In the drunken song ...i like the return to the opening, though I admit to have forgotten about elements of it (e.g., the song) and had to remind myself with a re-read. the distance between the two is large with no reminders
Of stagnant tobacco smoke
Dissipating in the cold night air

just some things to mull over; take what you will

[Indie]

Thank you Philatone

---

first edit up^

[billy]

V:2
It’s a liquid death
These thoughts of you
Tobacco scents
And a whiskey’d song
To sing me home
Into the empty arms
Of an empty bed
are the two 'a's' needed? an empty bed feels too blasé, what about dead or bed deceased be or some other kind of bed that shows there's something wrong. the 1st line could even be;
Liquid death;
....

Where I dream of tears
Carving pictures in my skin would 'under' be better than 'in'?
My face a landscape 'my face' is a given
Of technicoloured memories
Fading to black
In my midnight reflection 'my' is a given
Like the kiss
Of a self-destructive
Self-fulfilling prophecy

Drowning languidly
In a whiskey’d song
Of lonely lies among the
Stagnant tobacco smoke
Dissipating in the cold night air

i think you could trim some the fat away, a 'the here, 3 'a' there.
drowning languid sounds more poetic but that's just me
i like the piece and the use of back to black as a metaphor for the death of a relationship and loneliness. the whisky'd hook worked for me. not too shoddy at all.

thanks for the read.
my name
\/
\/

[Indie]

Thanks Billy, a small edit up. I don't want to over tweak this.

[billy]

that you tweaked it shows you're open to edit
it reads a lot tighter (sorry for posting like we were in serious, i got carried away )
good edit

[Indie]

It's all good I'm happier with how it reads now.

[addy]

Like this one overall Indie, here are just a few thoughts:

V:3 (Small tweak)
It’s liquid death
These thoughts of you
Tobacco scents
And a whiskey’d song
To sing me home
Into the empty arms
Of a broken bed

Where I dream of tears
Carving pictures in my skin
My face a landscape
Of technicoloured memories
Fading to black
In my midnight reflection
Like the kiss
Of a self-destructive
Self-fulfilling prophecy This particular stanza didn't give me as much as I wanted it to. I like the black-technicolor-black "staging" you did with the three stanzas. But I think you could do more to highlight the mirroring that's happening between the first part of the stanza and the latter part (with the narrator metaphorically staring herself in the face, perhaps being her own demon)... the train of thought got cut off by the "memories" line, distracting the audience; so in that sense it wasn't as effective as it could have been.

Drowning languid
In a whiskey’d song
Of lonely lies among
Stagnant tobacco smoke Would've enjoyed these lines more as a subtler callback to the first stanza... as it is the imagery is too similar and so for me it comes off as repetitive
Dissipating in the cold night air

[Indie]

Thanks Addy, I'll see if I can remedy some of that, the flow is still feeling a bit off for me too.

---

Version 4 is up.

[Indie]

Version 5 now up, a quick fix

---

I'm not happy with the ending so any advice is welcome

[addy]

Hmm... if you're unhappy with the last line, maybe you can try to tie it more to the beginning of the poem, where you alluded to death. i have to admit, compared to "liquid death", the descriptor "cold night air" sounds benign. You could perhaps give it more bite.

[Indie]

Thank you Addy, I'll have a think on how to improve and tie that idea back in. I do find cold night air to be a weak ending.

[Indie]

Edit up 6 ^

[billy]

the small edit works better for it.
that aside i looked at the original v1 and this version and the edit as a whole is quite large...and good. lets forget the poem for now and look at the editing. perfect for this type of workshop. for any workshop. Back to the poem; a little editing at a time has added up to sensible edit that keeps the core of the poems intent intact, you didn't compromise on that or the telling of it. you arranged it so it was better prepared for others to read. this thread is a good example of improving without destroying. thanks for the reads and workout

one thing, would it add something as 'in a cold night air' which implies it's a regular occurrence?

[Indie]

thanks for that Billy . I get what you mean with the "a" in the last line. I'm very particular about "the" and "a" and have been known to agonise over which to use in some instances. For this poem, I think "the" works best in the capturing of the moment.