Poetry is no Alchemist

[Erthona]

(I do embrace what I disdain)

Not everything pedestrian rises above
the prosaic and will profundity embrace
simply because it is imaged in verse
trading a suit of plain cloth for one of lace.
Nor can poetry transmogrify the Auteur
who with bland nib of it did writ—
when with palsied brain he did conceive—
turn from the dullard into the sharpest wit.

©2012 –Erthona


Note: As this piece is too low to deserve high praise, and too light to deserve weighty consideration, I have placed it in this section; however, critique as you will.

Dale

[billy]

(I do embrace what I disdain)

Not everything pedestrian rises above
the prosaic and will profundity embrace does it need a comma after prosaic?
simply because it is imaged in verse
trading a suit of plain cloth for one of lace. love this line...well i like it a lot then
Nor can poetry transmogrify the Auteur
who with bland nib of it did writ— for some reason this works well with the lace line (i think it's because it's archic chime)
when with palsied brain he did conceive—
turn from the dullard into the sharpest wit.

©2012 –Erthona


Note: As this piece is too low to deserve high praise, and too light to deserve weighty consideration, I have placed it in this section; however, critique as you will.

Dale

it's a coming together of two eras and the only nit i have with it (and even then i'm not sure) is "did it need a comma"

the 'he did' worked well for me

oh! one more nit; are both 'the's' needed on the last line.?

nicely done, thanks for the read.

[Erthona]

Hi Billy,

Thanks for the read.

Probably, yes, it needs about three commas, but I left them off to see if anyone wanted them added back, as everyone always wants them removed
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oh! one more nit; are both 'the's' needed on the last line.?

I think they both need direct articles to balance the sentence, plus it makes dullard an attribute rather than an inherent quality.

Thanks again,

Dale
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[billy]

yes, i sensed you wanted it to appear that way your personality shone in the piece

[heslopian]

If you don't think this poem deserves weighty consideration "poetry for fun" might be a more appropriate section.

(I do embrace what I disdain)

Not everything pedestrian rises above
the prosaic and will profundity embrace
simply because it is imaged in verse Could a comma go here?
trading a suit of plain cloth for one of lace. Do you need "plain"? It feels like a needless adjective.
Nor can poetry transmogrify the Auteur Should "auteur" be capitalised?
who with bland nib of it did writ— I don't get this line. With bland nib of what? Is the internal rhyme worth sacrificing cohesion for?
when with palsied brain he did conceive—
turn from the dullard into the sharpest wit. The syntax here feels off. Shouldn't it be "turned"?

Overall I like this poem. It's amusing in a brittle way, with some elegant lines which convey a cynicism about auteurs and modern attitudes to art quite well. All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.

[Erthona]

"If you don't think this poem deserves weighty consideration "poetry for fun" might be a more appropriate section."

I wanted criticism, but I didn't think it was worth work-shopping.
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I could put a comma there.
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Do you need "plain"? It feels like a needless adjective.
I think so. Cloth does not imply "plain", and I wanted the juxtaposition with lace to be clear.
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Should "auteur" be capitalised?
I was using it as an ideal, or a title, so I thought it should be capped.
Would you not?
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Nib...pen bland nib...mediocre writing
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The syntax here feels off. Shouldn't it be "turned"?
Yeah that's not quite clear, maybe change instead of turn.
You have to overlook the second to last line as though it were in parentheses, and so it reads

Nor can poetry transmogrify the Auteur
who with bland nib of it did writ
turn from the dullard into the sharpest wit.

I might should use parentheses instead of the em dashes.
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"convey a cynicism about auteurs and modern attitudes to art"

That is a fair summation.
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Thanks for your comments, I may alter the last two lines to

Nor can poetry transmogrify the Auteur
who with bland nib of it did writ
(when with palsied brain he did conceive)
change from the dullard into the sharpest wit.

Does that work better for you?

Or I could even remove the second to last line. I was meaning for it to be like an aside.


Thanks again,

Dale

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Billy wrote "your personality shone in the piece"

Is that a good or a bad thing


Dale

[tectak]

(I do embrace what I disdain)

Not everything pedestrian rises above
the prosaic and will profundity embrace nor will profundity embrace
simply because it is imaged in versesurely a comma...and stop. calling me Shirley
trading a suit of plain cloth for one of lace. like but clonky rhythm
Nor can poetry transmogrify the Auteur
who with bland nib of it did writ—Bugger. This is a tortured testament to transmogrification. I can't decipher it....writ as it is wroted.
when with palsied brain he did conceive—Why palsied? Why, oh why? Why not pensive, huh? Why not?
turn from the dullard into the sharpest wit. and turn from dullard int......bka blah blah.
Humorous crit.
Best,
Tectak
©2012 –Erthona


Note: As this piece is too low to deserve high praise, and too light to deserve weighty consideration, I have placed it in this section; however, critique as you will.

Dale

[heslopian]

Should "auteur" be capitalised?
I was using it as an ideal, or a title, so I thought it should be capped.
Would you not?

I'm not sure I'd think the reader would guess that that's how I'm using the word, but I may be judging everyone by myself.

I might should use parentheses instead of the em dashes.
Nor can poetry transmogrify the Auteur
who with bland nib of it did writ
(when with palsied brain he did conceive)
change from the dullard into the sharpest wit.

Does that work better for you?

That's perfect. I like the line so I don't think it should be cut.

[billy]

Billy wrote "your personality shone in the piece"

Is that a good or a bad thing


Dale

it depends, and this is about the poem
i don't think the auteur; all auteur can help themselves in showing part of themselves. we often only need read between the lines.
in this case i think it was a good thing

[Erthona]

Why palsied? Why, oh why? Why not pensive, huh? Why not? ---because!

nor will profundity embrace---that changes the meaning.

Thanks for the read Tommy two Tone, I will take crit under advisement

Dale