Loss

[Indie]

V:2
There is an infestation of cockroaches breeding in my mind
Gestating a new generation of insanity among the layers of hurt
And erratic emotions that come with the baby dreams
Of what was lost as it grew; loved in the warmth of a womb
Now a tomb, an unwanted bleeding monument
To the loss of life, hope; of a chance at motherhood

A rifle cocked, a trigger pulled, a rush of blood and agony
Where are the boys? Where are my boys? What went wrong?
When will we go hunting my love, when will we find an answer?
To justify death, the hollow void within me that could not carry on
And so extinguished the light, plunging my world, our world into darkness

My heart is empty though it beats its rhythmic pulse at my wrists
That I know my soul won’t bleed out of should I take to the sharps
And chase my boys into the long cold sleep of forever
Where I’d rather be, than here, alive, without them to love.

...

V:1
There is an infestation of cockroaches breeding in my mind
Gestating a new generation of insanity among the layers of hurt
And erratic emotions that come with the baby dreams
Of what was lost as it grew and was loved in the warmth of a womb
That is now a tomb, an unwanted bleeding monument
To the loss of life, of hope, of a chance at motherhood.

A rifle cocked, a trigger pulled, a rush of blood and agony
Where are the boys? Where are my boys? What went wrong?
When will we go hunting my love, when will we find an answer?
To justify death, the hollow void within me that could not carry on
And so extinguished the light, plunging my world, our world into darkness.

My heart is empty though it beats its rhythmic pulse at my wrists
That I know my soul won’t bleed out of should I take to the sharps
And chase my boys into the long cold sleep of forever
For I’d rather be there than here, alive, without them to love.

[billy]

There is an infestation of cockroaches breeding in my mind
Gestating a new generation of insanity among the layers of hurt
And erratic emotions that come with the baby dreams
Of what was lost as it grew and was loved in the warmth of a womb
That is now a tomb, an unwanted bleeding monument
To the loss of life, of hope, of a chance at motherhood.

A rifle cocked, a trigger pulled, a rush of blood and agony
Where are the boys? Where are my boys? What went wrong?
When will we go hunting my love, when will we find an answer?
To justify death, the hollow void within me that could not carry on
And so extinguished the light, plunging my world, our world into darkness.

My heart is empty though it beats its rhythmic pulse at my wrists
That I know my soul won’t bleed out of should I take to the sharps
And chase my boys into the long cold sleep of forever
For I’d rather be there than here, alive, without them to love.

on one line you say 'my love' yet you lost more than one.
line 3 could be tightened up by removing the 'and'
the last line of the 2nd stanza feels too cliche.

other than that i think it's a strong piece. i asked myself were the sons soldiers of hunters and could only think them soldiers. because all of them were lost. i'm still at a loss as to why the capped 'and' but i've already mentioned that and i know it's the writers choice.

i read it three or four times and enjoyed more on each read.
nicely done.

thanks for the read.

ps. while at times it's very wordy, it's one of those cheeky buggers where wordy works.

[Indie]

on one line you say 'my love' yet you lost more than one.
line 3 could be tightened up by removing the 'and'
the last line of the 2nd stanza feels too cliche.

other than that i think it's a strong piece. i asked myself were the sons soldiers of hunters and could only think them soldiers. because all of them were lost. i'm still at a loss as to why the capped 'and' but i've already mentioned that and i know it's the writers choice.

i read it three or four times and enjoyed more on each read.
nicely done.

thanks for the read.

ps. while at times it's very wordy, it's one of those cheeky buggers where wordy works.

Thanks

[heslopian]

There is an infestation of cockroaches breeding in my mind
Gestating a new generation of insanity among the layers of hurt
And erratic emotions that come with the baby dreams
Of what was lost as it grew and was loved in the warmth of a womb
That is now a tomb, an unwanted bleeding monument
To the loss of life, of hope, of a chance at motherhood.

A rifle cocked, a trigger pulled, a rush of blood and agony
Where are the boys? Where are my boys? What went wrong?
When will we go hunting my love, when will we find an answer?
To justify death, the hollow void within me that could not carry on
And so extinguished the light, plunging my world, our world into darkness.

My heart is empty though it beats its rhythmic pulse at my wrists
That I know my soul won’t bleed out of should I take to the sharps Bleed out of what?
And chase my boys into the long cold sleep of forever
For I’d rather be there than here, alive, without them to love.

You'll hate me for this, but I'm going to play that old song again: I think you should remove all the commas. To accomodate the absence I'd recommend removing "our world" in L11 and "here" in the last line.
Otherwise I think this is an excellent, savage poem filled with shockingly violent images and painful lines. Those cockroaches among the layers of hurt painted a cruel, moving picture. This poem is at times exrcuiating in its honest and horrific depiction of thwarted motherhood.

[Erthona]

"I think you should remove all the commas"

Needs to keep the comma in last line after here, or substitute a colon.

For I’d rather be there than here: alive without them to love.
------------------------------------------------------------

Although a fun image, I'm not sure how cockroaches gestate "a new generation of insanity".
-----------------------------------------------------------
The way the second stanza is written the rifle tends to get confused with the question of "When will we go hunting". It initially seems as though one has something to do with the other.

[abu nuwas]

My thoughts as they came, more or less:

• Wordiness.. It is axiomatic that every word should be needed. However, sometimes, this means that many words, seemingly redundant or pointless, will really be needed to create a certain mood.
  
• A dreamscape, of the raw sort.
  
• Turning into metric, rhyming verse. It seemed to come easily to me, and I wondered whether it would not acquire more power by doing this.
  
• Punctuation: take no notice of those other guys. If you need guidance, let me know. As it happens, it reads perfectly well as is.
  

[Indie]

Thanks Billy, Heslopian, Erthona, and abu nuwas for your feedback. This particular poem was recently accepted here http://opencity360.blogspot.com.au/2012/...-rose.html as is.

---

Oh and thanks too to Leanne

[billy]

over the years (few in number) i've been reading poetry. on the net and in print, i came to the realization that publishers seldom seek to give feedback, it's not their job. i used to do the ezine thing and found out that most of what i felt was good because it was published was in fact in need of editing. and not to take anything away from you or any other published poet. published seldom equates with well done. often they're page fillers. i have over the years bought many a poetry book only to find it filled with mediocre poetry at best. now and again i see good stuff (addy introduced me to stan rice) but it's less common to find something worth the money, that even includes most free poetry i see published. because of my feelings i never ever put poems forward to see if they will get published. just in case they do, and i have to justify why. something i'd struggle to achieve. like i said, i found a couple of nits with the pice and i did enjoy it. do i think it publishable... i think it would have to shine a lot more for me to say yes.

[Indie]

I don't often put my work forth for publication. I put this one in just to see what would happen, and was surprised they took it. Personally I'm don't think I'd take this poem as is, if I were looking to publish other people's works, and someone submitted it to me.

[billy]

>< >< ><

i like the cut of your jib young man. i think thats a solid attitude to have.
let's face it, in the poem of the day section we give honest comments that aren't always that pleasant. i'm sure emily would be spinning n her grave by now

sorry for going off topic.

[Indie]

Thanks Billy, I think your comment needs an edit though, I'm a woman.

[Erthona]

This particular poem was recently accepted here http://opencity360.blogspot.com.au/2012/...-rose.html as is.

Congratulations! Evidently you didn't need critiques!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Thanks Billy, I think your comment needs an edit though, Hysterical I'm a woman."

See I told you he was a woman Billy! (Billy's going to be soooo disappointed)

Dale

[Indie]

This particular poem was recently accepted here http://opencity360.blogspot.com.au/2012/...-rose.html as is.

Congratulations! Evidently you didn't need critiques!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Thanks Billy, I think your comment needs an edit though, Hysterical I'm a woman."

See I told you he was a woman Billy! (Billy's going to be soooo disappointed)

Dale

Lol, thank you Dale

[billy]

last off topic post off me. i know she's a woman. the phrase comes from a sketch in black adder when he falls in love with a woman dressed as a man. though in the sketch he didn't know it was a woman

[tectak]

Thanks Billy, Heslopian, Erthona, and abu nuwas for your feedback. This particular poem was recently accepted here http://opencity360.blogspot.com.au/2012/...-rose.html as is.

---

Oh and thanks too to Leanne

Hi indie.
I think you should know that opencity blogspot "accept " all and any old tat "as is" because it is an open site by definition. You may find that some of the critics who frequent serious crit on this site are a little dismissive of such apparently laissez faire posting, and that is all it is, on opencity.
This is not to say there is a lack of good work on the blog but you risk disappearing into obscurity if you believe there is any merit in being an undistinguished fish in a pool open to the sea.
By all means defend your work by reasoned arguement but please be cautious of intimating that you gain valid kudos by posting on an open sight with the illusory praise of "acceptance"
This site is for those who seek improvement, not the glorification of mediocrity masquerading as clique.
Best.,
Tevtak

[Indie]

Thanks for your comment Tectak. I'm aware of what kind of blog opencity is. They have a certain standard, and certain types of poems they accept which isn't "just anything". If you'll look at my above comments you'll see that I am not defending the mediocrity of my work.

I don't often put my work forth for publication. I put this one in just to see what would happen, and was surprised they took it. Personally I'm don't think I'd take this poem as is, if I were looking to publish other people's works, and someone submitted it to me.

Having them publish my work doesn't say anything about me as a writer or the quality of my work, just that someone liked/was moved by this particular piece.

[Philatone]

hello indie! sorry i'm a bit late on this. at the risk of returning the discussion to the poem

There is an infestation of cockroaches breeding in my mind
Gestating a new generation of insanity among the layers of hurt
And erratic emotions that come with the baby dreams
Of what was lost as it grew and was loved in the warmth of a womb
That is now a tomb, an unwanted bleeding monument ..like the shift of a womb to a tomb and monument, though it was a bit direct
To the loss of life, of hope, of a chance at motherhood.

...haven't read other comments in detail yet, but the stanza strikes me as a bit wordy. breaking off some ideas into sentences and trimming where possible could work wonders (for instance, "insanity" could be dropped and just leaving "cockroaches" to become a metaphor for it. I think simplifying would work best)

A rifle cocked, a trigger pulled, a rush of blood and agony
Where are the boys? Where are my boys? What went wrong?
When will we go hunting my love, when will we find an answer?
To justify death, the hollow void within me that could not carry on
And so extinguished the light, plunging my world, our world into darkness.
...the questions did little for me, especially the last. the last part is not a complete sentence; I wasn't entirely sure what it wanted to say

My heart is empty though it beats its rhythmic pulse at my wrists
That I know my soul won’t bleed out of should I take to the sharps
And chase my boys into the long cold sleep of forever
For I’d rather be there than here, alive, without them to love.

the poem improves with each read, but it still feels hindered by the amount of words and abstractions at this point. i hope this helps

[Indie]

Thanks Philatone

[Indie]

Edit up ^

[addy]

A truly moving piece Indie . Here are a few of my comments on the edit

V:2
There is an infestation of cockroaches breeding in my mind
Gestating a new generation of insanity among the layers of hurt maybe change "among" to something else-- "within"? "between"? etc
And erratic emotions that come with the baby dreams how about "infant dreams"?
Of what was lost as it grew; loved in the warmth of a womb
Now a tomb, an unwanted bleeding monument
To the loss of life, hope; of a chance at motherhood "... to the loss of life", I found to be an uninspired line. A tomb is, quite literally, a monument to the loss of life, so no point reiterating it

A rifle cocked, a trigger pulled, a rush of blood and agony
Where are the boys? Where are my boys? What went wrong?
When will we go hunting my love, when will we find an answer? i felt there was something really interesting here, a key part of the narrative that I found myself wanting to get a better sense of. Was hunting mentioned as a pleasant memory, a 'boys will be boys' type of activity, only to be contrasted with more fatal themes? It strikes me as potent, and overall seems very different from how the rest of the stanza tapers off into vaguer and more generic ideas. i feel you're better off building a stanza from the former rather than the latter
To justify death, the hollow void "hollow void" is redundant within me that could not carry on maybe rephrase the sense of this entire line... it sounds odd to characterize a void (state of inanimate nothingness) as unable to carry on (inferring agency)
And so extinguished the light, plunging my world, our world into darkness

My heart is empty though it beats its rhythmic pulse "beats its rhythmic pulse" verges on redundancy too, I think. Instead of "rhythmic", make use of an adjective that will contribute something more to complement your narrative. at my wrists
That I know my soul won’t bleed out of should I take to the sharps i quite like this line (is "of" a typo, though?)
And chase my boys into the long cold sleep of forever Maybe just a taste thing, but imo I'd like this line better without the "of forever" at the end
Where I’d rather be, than here, alive, without them to love.

Thanks for the read