Epilogue of Love

[Indie]

V.3
There was something so vulnerable in the ending
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Unable to look at each other
Clutching at the memories of yesterday
Like they were the air we needed to breathe
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed and torn and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey

My eyes glistening with starlight, unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go

...

V.2
There was something so vulnerable in the ending
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Clutching at the memories of yesterday
Like we were the air we needed to breathe
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you.

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey.

My eyes leaking starlight, glistening unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go.

...

V.1
There was something so vulnerable in the ending
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Like children hiding, afraid, in the dark
Unable to look at each other and yet
Unable to let go, holding on to one another
Like we were the air we needed to breathe
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you.

I couldn’t bear to look at the exquisite sadness
In your eyes that always had my resolve
Coming undone, melting me down to my core
Where only you existed, my knees buckling under me
To fall at your feet, face upturned
To gaze at your magnitude with everything I possessed.

How could you not see the depth
In which I loved you?

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey. My eyes leaking starlight
Glistening unseen in the darkness, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go.

[Erthona]

Indie,

This is a difficult poem to critique, especially in the mild critique section, as it really needs a more in depth look than this section allows.
It paints a poignant picture yet the use (intentional or not) of a more or less accentual meter through the first stanza give it the feeling of the gait of a drunken sailor which seems at odds with the content. Also, such usage creates an expectation in the reader that such a pattern will continue, when it does not (as the accents change from basically 4 to 5 from stanza 1 to 2) it causes a pause in the reading to readjust.

In addition there is some unneeded syntactical clumsiness in such lines as

"How could you not see the depth
In which I loved you?"

as well as some problematic word usage, which make sense within the context, but at the same time is disruptive to the reading as it is used in an unconventional manner, such as

"To gaze at your magnitude"

This is a nice extended metaphor, and there is the meat of a good poem here, but it hangs uneasily upon this skeleton (form).

Dale

[Indie]

Thanks Ethona. I love this poem, but I can feel that much of it doesn't sit right and that the flow is off.
Seeing if I can get it moved to the serious critique section.

[billy]

moved at OP's request

---

[Indie]

Thank you Billy

[billy]

no probs; it's a wedding here today so i can't concentrate on giving feedback, will leave some tomorrow

[Philatone]

Hello Indie
some thoughts to ponder

There was something so vulnerable in the ending ...as an opening line, it does feel a little weak for me. Words like "something" and "vulnerable". Starting on the second line lends a bit more urgency to the piece, though it also chops the verb off of a longish sentence.
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Like children hiding, afraid, in the dark
Unable to look at each other and yet
Unable to let go, holding on to one another...felt somewhat redundant
Like we were the air we needed to breathe...OK
My face buried in the nook of your ankle...I thought the scene was over after the simile
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you. ...though this line is strong

..I understand the sentiments, I think you conveyed those well. The stanza is longish in the sense that it lacks definitive breaks--if that is an issue for you with this piece, then breaking down some images and changing it from one sentence into a few is an option. It's somewhat ironic, what with the line about "air...needed to breathe", that there are no extended areas for breath. If that is not a concern, then fine as is.

I couldn’t bear to look at the exquisite sadness ...hmmm, not sure what this means. what does sadness look like in eyes? what is exquisite sadness?
In your eyes that always had my resolve
Coming undone, melting me down to my core...I wanted an explanation for this "resolve coming undone," but instead the line moves on to "melting me down to my core." So, I then arrive at the question "What is your core?" It strikes me as somewhat cliche'
Where only you existed, my knees buckling under me
To fall at your feet, face upturned
To gaze at your magnitude with everything I possessed.

... this stanza has a weaker foundation than the first. The images would benefit from sprucing up.

How could you not see the depth
In which I loved you? ..."In" felt like the wrong preposition to me

And in the silence of my arms wrapped ...opening with "And in" felt a little weak for the line. The "and" could probably be dropped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child ...the was a metaphoric "child-children" image earlier (S1)
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart...I like this image, I found it the strongest of the piece, and not just for content. Subverting the object of affection, making it appear beneath the admiration described earlier (yet also the attachment to such things), only makes it stronger--very nice selection
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey. My eyes leaking starlight
Glistening unseen in the darkness, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go.

© Indie Adams 2012

hope some of these notes can be of use

[billy]

There was something so vulnerable in the ending feels to long, it could work if you swapped this with the 2nd line and used that as an opener.
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Like children hiding, afraid, in the dark a bit cliche
Unable to look at each other and yet
Unable to let go, holding on to one another
Like we were the air we needed to breathe
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you.
the two unable lines feel weak, they need a good image

I couldn’t bear to look at the exquisite sadness
In your eyes that always had my resolve
Coming undone, melting me down to my core
Where only you existed, my knees buckling under me
To fall at your feet, face upturned
To gaze at your magnitude with everything I possessed.

How could you not see the depth
In which I loved you?

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey. My eyes leaking starlight
Glistening unseen in the darkness, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go. a much stronger stanza with much stronger images.

© Indie Adams 2012

i enjoyed the need and the resolve within the poem, the conflict worked well. i do think the first stanza could of held more than a few images instead of being too tell parts of the 2nd felt a bit forced. though i suppose that could be a good thing in the context of this piece.
i think you have bigger than a kernel of decent poem here indie, a small edit would lift it more than a little

thanks for the read.

[addy]

I think you've got a great piece here, Indie. As the other said, the bones of it are really good. And I outright loved quite a bit of it. (The fact that they were ankle-to-ankle rather than face-to-face, the teddy bear line)

I don't know how severely you're willing to edit this... but in my opinion it would be better if you just got rid of the middle part altogether, and simply mashed together the first and last stanza. I felt you were describing an understated but emotionally powerful scene, and breaking away into a rather trite soppy tangent squandered the power of the moment. I'd rather you focus completely on that silent aftermath scene, and let the rawness and tenderness of it hint at the magnitude of their love rather than try to force a microcosm of their romantic backstory in to the narrative. The context is clear enough without it (the title sums it up well enough). Again, just my opinion. Thanks for the read.

[Indie]

Thanks everyone for your advice, I've done a massive edit, cut out the whole middle section and re-written part of the first verse, and part of the end verse which I've split. I'm not sure about it all, but it doesn't feel too bad having taken the scissors to it.

[billy]

will give some feedback later, dinner cries out

[Erthona]

This is a good rewrite although I think you should keep this because even though a bit cliche, it aptly defines the tension.

"Unable to look at each other and yet
unable to let go."

------------------------------------------------
Suggested edits:

"Clutching at the memories of yesterday
like we were the air the other needed to breathe"

With my arms wrapped around your feet, (In the silence..." doesn't really convey much meaning)
I was nothing more than a child
trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear:
frayed, torn, and falling apart,
smelling of mustiness and decay
with undertones of nicotine and whiskey.

My eyes leaked starlight, glistened unseen (tense conflict leaking/kissed)
by you, I kissed the memory of your ankle,
took a shaky breath, and let go.
-------------------------------------------------

Dale

[Indie]

This is a good rewrite although I think you should keep this because even though a bit cliche, it aptly defines the tension.

"Unable to look at each other and yet
unable to let go."

------------------------------------------------
Suggested edits:

"Clutching at the memories of yesterday
like we were the air the other needed to breathe"

With my arms wrapped around your feet, (In the silence..." doesn't really convey much meaning)
I was nothing more than a child
trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear:
frayed, torn, and falling apart,
smelling of mustiness and decay
with undertones of nicotine and whiskey.

My eyes leaked starlight, glistened unseen (tense conflict leaking/kissed)
by you, I kissed the memory of your ankle,
took a shaky breath, and let go.
-------------------------------------------------

Dale

Thanks Dale, I really love the lines

"Unable to look at each other and yet
unable to let go."

Yet they do nothing for the flow of the poem, even when reading them, my mind kind of stumbled over them a little awkwardly.

I get what you mean about the last verse, not quite sure what to do about it atm, so I'll come back to it.

Indie

[addy]

Great edit indie, and it's good that you feel good about it. Hacking away at your work could be a pretty okay experience and its sometimes even cathartic

Agree that it would be nice of you to keep the part about being unable to look at each other. Maybe not in the exact words you've written at the moment, since your judgment call is probably correct that it's too awkward. But the sentiment, at least, might be worth keeping--- the fact that they won't (or can't) look at each other is loaded with dramatic significance: pain, shame, love, resentment, numbness, and it adds to the "blind, close, helpless" vibe in the piece. That aside (and anyway that is just a nit), I think you did an awesome job

[billy]

V.2
There was something so vulnerable in the ending
Laying, curled around each other’s feet is 'Laying' needed?
Clutching at the memories of yesterday is 'the' needed?
Like we were the air we needed to breathe not a great simile
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you.

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey. this works well. here the ands etc work well in extending the image

My eyes leaking starlight, glistening unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go.

all in all i think it was pretty brave to cut and delete as you did.
but in doing so you kept the intent of the poem. there's a sadness in the last stanza and a braveness. i still think the first 2 lines could be reversed to good effect. a good improvement.

thanks for the edit

billy

[Philatone]

hey!
looking at the latest

V.2
There was something so vulnerable in the ending
Laying, curled around each other’s feet
Clutching at the memories of yesterday
Like we were the air we needed to breathe..just checking: like "we" were... or like "they (the memories) were"?
My face buried in the nook of your ankle
Inhaling the warm, familiar scent of you.

...feels tighter

And in the silence of my arms wrapped
Around your feet, I was nothing more than a child
Trying to hold on to her favourite teddy bear
Frayed, and torn, and falling apart
Smelling of must and decay, with undertones
Of nicotine and whiskey.

..again, already a fan of this stanza

My eyes leaking starlight, glistening unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle...I'm not sure why (and so, you can probably ignore this ), but now I'm stumbling a bit with these first two lines. I think it has to do with flow, what with all of the dependent clauses (the leaking, the glistening); finding a way to combine the two lines would enhance the flow a bit for me


Took a shaky breath, and let go.

...

feels tighter now

[Indie]

Thank you Philatone, that's great

[Erthona]

"My eyes leaking starlight, glistening unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle...I'm not sure why (and so, you can probably ignore this ), but now I'm stumbling a bit with these first two lines. I think it has to do with flow, what with all of the dependent clauses (the leaking, the glistening); finding a way to combine the two lines would enhance the flow a bit for me"

"leaking and glistening" are present tense, the rest of the verbs in the sentence are past tense, "kissed", "took", and "let go". It is generally preferable to maintain the same verb tense throughout a piece, but certainly within a single sentence. To speak of something in the past as though it has yet to happen, or is in the process of happening, or to do so in the future is what perfect tenses were created for, however even in prose where the structure is more rigid, they are difficult for most people to handle well enough not to create confusion in the reader. In poetry, these days, where it is chic to to stack clauses upon clauses, it can create a nightmare for the reader, especially as he senses that something seems off, but because of all the added complexity introduced with the stacking of clauses, it seems one not easily identified. What occurs is an unconscious rejection (repudiation) of that section of the poem with a vague sense that something is not quite right; a "stumbling", if you will.

Dale

[Indie]

Thank you Dale, I've kept glistening, but everything else was amended in the last edit.

[Erthona]

That's fine, but I think you misunderstand, you need not remove anything, just use the correct tense. This is how it would be all in past tense.

My eyes leaked starlight, and glistened unseen
Against your skin, I kissed the memory of your ankle
Took a shaky breath, and let go.

or present tense

My eyes leaking starlight, glistening unseen
Against your skin, I kiss the memory of your ankle
Take a shaky breath, and let go.

Dale