Godzilla vs. Little Boy revision 2

[Todd]

Revision 2
Godzilla vs. Little Boy
a postmodern fable

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices


You would have us believe
man did this to man—
truth fermented into such
bitter vintage.

Only a plane, a parachute,
and a child’s tantrum:
we reject this narrative.

Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface.

Truth is in the breath that lit the horizon,
a burning afterimage shaming the sun,
in the cloud that rose
above the water, in the quiet

that seeps into each of us,
into the bones leaving us aphasic,
words reduced to faint scratches
in the dirt.

We witnessed the city’s reprisal.
Roof tiles spun like propellers
into the air
under a shroud of dark rain.

The blackened bodies continue
to clog the river.
Death it seems always comes
from the water.

The crater is his footprint.
The only truth is
that no one escaped

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira

~~~

Revision 1
Godzilla vs. Little Boy
a postmodern fable

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices
--anonymous

You would have us believe
man did this to man—
truth fermented into such
bitter vintage.

Only a plane, a parachute,
and a child’s tantrum:
we reject this narrative.

Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface.

Truth is in the breath that lit the horizon,
a burning afterimage shaming the sun,
in the cloud that rose
above the water, in the quiet

that seeps into each of us,
into the bones leaving us aphasic,
words reduced to faint scratches
in the dirt.

We witnessed the city’s reprisal.
Roof tiles spun like propellers
into the air
under a shroud of dark rain.

The blackened bodies continue
to clog the river.
Death it seems always comes
from the water.

The crater is his footprint.
The only truth is
that no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira

```
Edit: Replaced distilled with fermented (tectak)
Edit: minor tweak S4 and S5
Edit: Removed the and's from S4

Original
Someone told someone a story
about the cloud that rose above the water,
the light that dimmed the sun,
and the awful quiet, settling
as a shroud of dark rain.

Survivors usually walk away,
only no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

The roof tiles spun like propellers
launched into the air
in impotent reprisal
as blackened bodies floated
down the river. Our throats
finally too parched to drink.

You would have us believe
that man did this to man
that truth can be distilled:
to a plane, a parachute,
and measured in seconds.
We reject this narrative.

We have the footprint,
the shrill metallic roar,
the truth of the breath.

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices

[billy]

a genuine hehe.
i found it to be too procrastinating...at first, then cometh godzilla it all fitted together.
i do see a message in their and godzilla being used as a sort of carrier which makes it work as a strong 2nd level. (if it was intended to be so) the haiku at the end, just stops short of being a senryu (which means it's a haiku...just) which ties in really well with gozira

The roof tiles spun like propellers
launched into the air
in impotent reprisal

are excellent lines and show how little we affect the might of the beast and the world per say

i'm sure there's a cliche in there somewhere but i don't care, i like it how it is. that's the trouble with critiquing something you like....you only find nice things to say about it.

i liked it, thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Thanks Billy, I'm glad you found some things you liked. It's been so long since I've been able to sit down and write much of anything...so thanks

---

Theorhetically though after I wrote it I thought this is probably Godzilla vs the Enola Gay

I can work out the title later I guess

[billy]

i like the enola gay comparison

[Touchstone]

Someone told someone a story
about the cloud that rose above the water,

It's funny that you say "after I wrote it I thought this is probably Godzilla vs the Enola Gay" because after reading just the title and those first two lines that immediately sprang to my mind as being what you were writing about.

the light that dimmed the sun,

I understand what you mean but the physicist in me balks at that construction. Perhaps "the light that outshone the sun,"

only no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

Taking this out of order, I love that part.

Survivors usually walk away,

I don't that works so well though because it implies that this time the survivors employed a mode of transport other than walking rather than that this time nobody's ideas remained intact, which is what I believe you're trying to convey.

I can't think of any great improvement to suggest but perhaps something like "Usually some survive," or "Survivors are usual,"

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices

I think that is superfluous.

[tectak]

Someone told someone a story
about the cloud that rose above the water,
the light that dimmed the sun,
and the awful quiet, settling
as a shroud of dark rain.

Survivors usually walk away,
only no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

The roof tiles spun like propellers
launched into the air
in impotent reprisal:why is is this specifically in reprisal. The whole damned buildings gone to kingdom come, your children are dead.......and impotent or not, a secondary effect of the primary cause is described as a reprisal. You could get away with "as if in futile reprisal" Bugger. Two tiles! But you know what I mean.
as blackened bodies floated
down the river. Our throatsthis is not a sentence unless you can connect it to the previous observation conditionally"
finally too parched to drink.

You would have us believe
that man did this to mansome punctuation required....you choose. Unless see next line
that truth can be distilled:and that truth...
to a plane, a parachute,[b] I don't think you can distill " to" anything and certainly not a plane. I get the feeling but it needs restructuring here.
and measured in seconds.
We reject this narrative.

We have the footprint,and the rest, as they say, will be history
the shrill metallic roar,
the truth of the breath.

Gojira, Gojira, Gojirathe rest...I like. Oh oh. Is that an acceptable crit?

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices

Hi todd,
Glad to see you are posting. This one is a tough call contextually. I felt that the first line was a little "once upon a time-ish" and I took a line or two to pull myself together again. As an opening it did not engage me; even taking it on face value it is not really leading in to relevance. You are about to write on a big issue, something which has been the subject for dozens of writers, observers, pundits and poets. At the very least an exposive start would start this chain reaction
L1 "Many men have told this story," would, I think, at least have lit the blue touch paper.
Suggestions only,now:
...light that shamed the sun

.....awe-full, awsome(yuk),but are you really happy with awful....it was a bit more than that, I believe. Awful weather we are having....it been raining. Hmmmmmm.

.........but no one . "Only no one " is failed selectivity implying "no one except".

Overall, a workable concept. Wish I had thought of it. Oh....I had
But you saw the possibilities. A liquid edit would be anticipated.
Best,
Tectak

[Touchstone]

Oh, yes, "shamed the sun" is better than my suggestion.

[Erthona]

Todd,

I would like to be able to enjoy this poem, but my knowledge of the Japanese keeps getting in the way of my compassion. Despite that, there are some nice images in this. I think some of the writing could be tightened up some though. The first stanza seems especially awkward. As in this second stanza, just cut down some on the wordiness, such as:

"Survivors walk away
only no one escaped
the rationalization that
killing would bring peace."

or maybe

"Survivors walk away
only no one escaped
the application of the
rationalization that
killing would bring peace."

(The following is not just my opinion, but that of several bi-lingual Japanese transplants with whom I worked with at the university. We were teaching a comparative lit class, with several Japanese pieces. The discussion began by them saying, you will never understand the Japanese, because you think of all people as humans like yourself...)

I read an article about how Godzilla was the Japanese way of trying to come to terms with the atomic bombings, something to the effect of a person who has been hurt, continuing to reenact the episode in order to make some sense out of it, except the Japanese have never really been able to come to terms with being so soundly defeated. One could feel sorry for them if he did not know the glee that the Japanese experienced by torturing prisoners of war. All of the countries along the pacific rim, and also China are terrified still of the thought of Japan being allowed to rearm. The only thing that keeps them in check is the big dog that brought them down, and I do not use dog metaphorically, to this day the majority of the Japanese people still think of themselves as the only humans. I have witnessed first hand on a number of occasions how Japanese men when in pacific rim countries treat people of those countries like slaves. You will find little remorse from the countries enslaved by the Japanese during WWII that we dropped the bomb on them. By doing so, we saved hundred of thousands of people from being severely tortured at the hands of the extreme sadist that was the Japanese military. I find it interesting that we make a big deal (and rightly so) of the Holocaust, yet have historically ignored the much worse atrocities committed by the Japanese.

I could relate better to this poem if we had dropped the bomb on someone more deserving of your charity. That it took two bombs to convince them to surrender is somewhat telling in itself. The truest line in the poem is

"We reject this narrative."

After all, how can a superior human being be conquered by an animal?

Hopefully, over time the culture will change, but until then, pray the big dog keeps his foot on the neck of the Japanese. Keep in mind, we dropped the bomb to end the war, they would drop the bomb to start the war.


Dale

[Philatone]

hey todd!
it's been some time. some thoughts I hope can help. haven't had a chance to see other crits

Someone told someone a story ...I was at odds with this as an opening. I think the mention of "narrative" in "We reject this narrative" enhanced it
about the cloud that rose above the water,
the light that dimmed the sun,
and the awful quiet, settling
as a shroud of dark rain. ....I get the dramatic touches, and the images themselves I don't have a problem with. Yet I can't help feeling that something is missing. Perhaps the descriptions feel too cursory, jumping from cloud to light to quiet to rain. Losing an image or two may help my focus and ensure the scene is not diluted. In some ways, putting the last stanza up here and adjusting the verb tenses could work:

Someone told someone a story
about a cloud that rises above water
as cherry blossom
wither on the branch


I bring the last stanza up because, as is, it felt a little detached from what preceded it to me (though one could persuade me how it fits as is). Sorry if I'm playing around with what you have written too much, just something that came to me.

Survivors usually walk away,
only no one escaped...the first two lines of this stanza did not hit me as hard as the last two
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

The roof tiles spun like propellers ...like the allusion to planes
launched into the air
in impotent reprisal
as blackened bodies floated ...i understand the scene, but again I am left wanting more. Perhaps "bodies" was more direct than I wanted
down the river. Our throats
finally too parched to drink....almost feels added on, especially when made into it's own phrase

You would have us believe
that man did this to man
that truth can be distilled:
to a plane, a parachute,
and measured in seconds.
We reject this narrative....liked this stanza

We have the footprint,
the shrill metallic roar,
the truth of the breath....and this one as well. "We have the footprint" is wonderful

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira...again, I felt as though this could have been a close, though I see the desire to end on a haiku

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices

again, apologies if I overstepped my bounds in the critique. I think I like what I read, but I know I want to enjoy it more. Not very helpful in saying that; hopefully, an idea or two may resonate with you

[Todd]

Touchstone, Tectak, Dale, Geoff, and Billy for the second like comment:

Thank you all. I appreciate the time you spend with this from the comments on the poem to the context that the poem lives in. This is a true first draft, and while I already thought about making some cuts before I posted it, I decided instead to just put it out here because I wasn't sure which direction I needed to hone in on. You all have given me the help I needed to refine this and take next steps. I'm really unsure how drastic the changes will be, but I do feel that I have a path I need to take.

Much appreciated!

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

I put a revision up. Hopefully, it's a step forward. You all did help clarify for me where I was going.

Oh, and Dale...in my research for the piece I came across this one part where the Japanesse narrator (survivor of the first bomb) relates how the people were initially frightened of the GIs and wanted to hide the women from them, because in a moment of cultural reflection he commented on what they the Japanesse had done in China during the war. The entire event has a lot of complex interactions.

Oh well, I hope the revision is better.

Thanks all.

[tectak]

Revision 1
Godzilla vs. Little Boy
a postmodern fable

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices
--anonymous

You would have us believethis is a more interesting than puzzling start. Things will clarify......like wine
man did this to man—
truth distilled into such
bitter vintage.picky bastard me! Vintages are ferments not distillations

Only a plane, a parachute,
and a child’s tantrum? Implication of rhetorical question but no question asked. The clarification has not yet come but the interest is held.
We reject this narrative.An enigma too far. Who we? What narrative?perhaps we reject this version of events? Sorry,todd, but though I have knowledge a priori of the tale you are telling I am still not informed enough. For me, there is a great need to expand the earlier text. It is almost as if this is a voice-over to a pathe news story. Something is missing.

Your monster fell
from the sky.
Ours have always been
beneath the surface. Though I like this stanza,it is the absoluteness of the words rather than than how they relate to the foregone. I am having to think too much and it hurts my head

Truth is in the breath that lit the horizon,
a burning afterimage shaming the sun,
and in the cloud that rose
above the water,love this. What's not to like?afterimage? One word or two?

and in the quiet that seeps
into each of us, into the bones into our bones. Then a semi-colon perhaps.Without a pause the sentance runs on and becomes like a runaway train of thought. This is a pity because the next two lines are excellent, in spite of the dubious use of aphasic
leaving us aphasic, words reduced
to faint scratches in the dirt.

Mute we witnessed the city’s reprisal.You MUST put a coma after mute or I shall lash out. Please tell me you can see that "mute we" is not an option
Roof tiles spun like propellers
launched into the air
under a shroud of dark rain.beautiful in a horrific way. Just right. Bon mots

The blackened bodies continue
to clog the river.
Death it seems always comes
from the water—

The crater is his footprint.
The only truth is that no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira very,very good

excellent edit. This is a pensive piece which only fails in one area.....it is exclusive for too much of the read. Perhaps just a few lines of included intro (in the body of the poem itself) would help. There are those who may get enough from the title but that is the way newspapers head up insignificant articles....this is not insignificant. Though the theme is well worn you have taken a fresh look and for me, at least, it works. Thanks.
Best,
Tectak
Original
Someone told someone a story
about the cloud that rose above the water,
the light that dimmed the sun,
and the awful quiet, settling
as a shroud of dark rain.

Survivors usually walk away,
only no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

The roof tiles spun like propellers
launched into the air
in impotent reprisal
as blackened bodies floated
down the river. Our throats
finally too parched to drink.

You would have us believe
that man did this to man
that truth can be distilled:
to a plane, a parachute,
and measured in seconds.
We reject this narrative.

We have the footprint,
the shrill metallic roar,
the truth of the breath.

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices

---

Revision 1
Godzilla vs. Little Boy
a postmodern fable

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices
--anonymous

You would have us believethis is a more interesting than puzzling start. Things will clarify......like wine
man did this to man—
truth distilled into such
bitter vintage.picky bastard me! Vintages are ferments not distillations

Only a plane, a parachute,
and a child’s tantrum? Implication of rhetorical question but no question asked. The clarification has not yet come but the interest is held.
We reject this narrative.An enigma too far. Who we? What narrative?perhaps we reject this version of events? Sorry,todd, but though I have knowledge a priori of the tale you are telling I am still not informed enough. For me, there is a great need to expand the earlier text. It is almost as if this is a voice-over to a pathe news story. Something is missing.

Your monster fell
from the sky.
Ours have always been
beneath the surface. Though I like this stanza,it is the absoluteness of the words rather than than how they relate to the foregone. I am having to think too much and it hurts my head

Truth is in the breath that lit the horizon,
a burning afterimage shaming the sun,
and in the cloud that rose
above the water,love this. What's not to like?afterimage? One word or two?

and in the quiet that seeps
into each of us, into the bones into our bones. Then a semi-colon perhaps.Without a pause the sentance runs on and becomes like a runaway train of thought. This is a pity because the next two lines are excellent, in spite of the dubious use of aphasic
leaving us aphasic, words reduced
to faint scratches in the dirt.

Mute we witnessed the city’s reprisal.You MUST put a coma after mute or I shall lash out. Please tell me you can see that "mute we" is not an option
Roof tiles spun like propellers
launched into the air
under a shroud of dark rain.beautiful in a horrific way. Just right. Bon mots

The blackened bodies continue
to clog the river.
Death it seems always comes
from the water—

The crater is his footprint.
The only truth is that no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira very,very good

excellent edit. This is a pensive piece which only fails in one area.....it is exclusive for too much of the read. Perhaps just a few lines of included intro (in the body of the poem itself) would help. There are those who may get enough from the title but that is the way newspapers head up insignificant articles....this is not insignificant. Though the theme ia well worn you have taken a fresh look and for me, at least, it works. Thanks.
Best,
Tectak
Original
Someone told someone a story
about the cloud that rose above the water,
the light that dimmed the sun,
and the awful quiet, settling
as a shroud of dark rain.

Survivors usually walk away,
only no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

The roof tiles spun like propellers
launched into the air
in impotent reprisal
as blackened bodies floated
down the river. Our throats
finally too parched to drink.

You would have us believe
that man did this to man
that truth can be distilled:
to a plane, a parachute,
and measured in seconds.
We reject this narrative.

We have the footprint,
the shrill metallic roar,
the truth of the breath.

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices

[Todd]

Tectak...I made a few slight edits while I tinkered with the thing (and missed your post)...Thanks for the comments. I killed mute entirely because it's sort of assumed by the previous stanza. I'll tinker some more. I think you make some valid points about what is needed. I'm a slow editor though so it may take time for me to get to it.

Thank you though for all the feedback. It is much appreciated.

Best,

Todd

---

Oh and I wasn't sure about vintage (that actually crossed my mind) I liked the vaporization of distiling but do agree that vintage is not concerned with purity but fermentation. Most of the pain is finding the exact word...so, that will likely shift in a future edit.

[Todd]

Tectak: So, I thought about the distillation/ferment thing and decided I like vintage more than distilled maybe ferment would work better. It has a definition that would still be appropriate.

Maybe:

You would have us believe
man did this to man—
truth fermented into such
bitter vintage.

It's just a thought. I'm working through your notes.

[billy]

Revision 1
Godzilla vs. Little Boy
a postmodern fable

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices
--anonymous

You would have us believe
man did this to man—
truth distilled into such
bitter vintage.

Only a plane, a parachute,
and a child’s tantrum:
we reject this narrative.

Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface.

Truth is in the breath that lit the horizon,
a burning afterimage shaming the sun,
and in the cloud that rose
above the water,

and in the quiet that seeps
into each of us, into the bones
leaving us aphasic, words reduced
to faint scratches in the dirt.

We witnessed the city’s reprisal.
Roof tiles spun like propellers
into the air
under a shroud of dark rain.

The blackened bodies continue
to clog the river.
Death it seems always comes
from the water.

The crater is his footprint.
The only truth is
that no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira

qyite a large edit. i like the stanza move to open the poem and the haiku works better at the top. same with the new 2nd stanza.
i liked the original, i like this better. it has more a sense of purpose in it's telling.

one nit i have; some of the and's at the beginning of some sentences feel like packing., as do some of the other small sentence starters.


That crater is his footprint. (the to that)
The only truth, (comma)
no one escaped ('the' removed)
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

just niggardly points i know though they are just suggestions for your perusal.

i do like where you took it.

[tectak]

Tectak: So, I thought about the distillation/ferment thing and decided I like vintage more than distilled maybe ferment would work better. It has a definition that would still be appropriate.

Maybe:

You would have us believe
man did this to man—
truth fermented into such
bitter vintage.

It's just a thought. I'm working through your notes.

Yes. I like the certainty of implication in this That truth is the starter and the bitter product is the result of change with time. The sentiment has another layer....fermentation is a chemical (irreversible) process, and a change which has a limit........once the process is completed, you are left with the bitter consequences.
Best, tectak

[Philatone]

hey todd, really quick look at the revision. overall, it feels tighter while maintaining its previous strength

Revision 1
Godzilla vs. Little Boy
a postmodern fable

The cherry blossom
withers on the branch
echo of voices
--anonymous
...yes, this fits more as a introduction

You would have us believe
man did this to man—
truth fermented into such
bitter vintage.

Only a plane, a parachute, ...the "only" threw me off a bit
and a child’s tantrum:
we reject this narrative.

Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface. ...really enjoyed the separation and images in this stanza. can't help but think of underground tests as well as more political and social undertones

Truth is in the breath that lit the horizon,
a burning afterimage shaming the sun,
in the cloud that rose ...minor nit, but when the lines surrounding it are so long, this line felt rather short
above the water, in the quiet

that seeps into each of us,
into the bones leaving us aphasic,
words reduced to faint scratches
in the dirt....great image

We witnessed the city’s reprisal.
Roof tiles spun like propellers
into the air
under a shroud of dark rain.

The blackened bodies continue
to clog the river...."bodies" felt very literal in a series of images that is much more figurative
Death it seems always comes
from the water.

The crater is his footprint.
The only truth is
that no one escaped
the rationalization that if we kill
there will be peace.

Gojira, Gojira, Gojira...and a much more fitting close in and of itself

[penguin]

Hello Todd. It took me a while to get more than an inkling of what's going on but I'm warming to the poem.I like first 2 verses, sharp, to the point and vintage/narrative are nice endings.

Your monster fell
from the sky. Ours
have always been
beneath the surface

"been" seems unnecessarily bland, neutral.

Can afterimage be one word?

that seeps into each of us,
into the bones leaving us aphasic,
words reduced to faint scratches
in the dirt

This verse, and the preceding one, are powerful. Without really being able to explain why, I'd like

words reduced to faint
scratches in the dirt.

Not sure you need "into the air".

Death, it seems, always comes - you need commas.

I think "rationalisation" is damaging the last verse, both its length and its weight. Something like "excuse" maybe?

Enjoyed the poem.

[Todd]

Hi tectak, Geoff and Penguin,

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to these comments (job change and a lot of flying around).

Tectak: I'm glad the change worked...thanks again for pointing out the distinction.

Geoff: I appreciate the comments. I'll give them some thought especially the figurative vs literal--a very insightful catch.

Penguin--You made some really good points, and suggested cuts that I'll certainly consider. I see what you mean about been. While I sort of liked the layered meaning on the break in retrospect it is a bit blah. I'll give more thought to rationalization.

All helpful. Thank you all.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Oh sorry for the bump but I keep seeing afterimage as one word in online dictionaries. It looks weird to me too. Is this really off?