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v2.0 (made some clarity changes, ending dropped because it sounded too assuming, which is very bad.)
Alone man... enjoys his
Single coffee.
Black coffee.. poems could write
How appropriate to his hunching-over,
It finds itself. Dominated by mood.
Risen steam, meets white-spattered red
Jacket, some light hairs of a beard
And abandoned grey head mop.
The man's still in the cold, I can tell
Won't look up or around- stares at the mug... :
Prized, protected. Waits between sips, a dog
The owner preoccupied in thought, uses thumbs:
Temporarily nursing an imaginary companion
This one thing that he has.
(end)
v1.0 Original
Alone man... enjoys his
Single coffee.
Black coffee.. poems could write
How appropriate to his hunching-over,
It finds itself. Dominated by mood.
Risen steam, meets white-spattered red
Jacket, some light hairs of a beard
And abandoned grey head mop.
The man's still in the cold, I can tell
Won't look up or around, stares at the mug...
Prized, protected. Waits between sips, a dog
The owner fearing departure, maybe?
Temporarily nursing an imaginary loved one
This one thing that he has.
A waitress walks over, eyeing...
Why don't you just let him
Enjoy his coffee.
Posts: 1,827
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Joined: Dec 2016
I get where you are trying to go by the ending (which I think is valid), however the way in which the rest is written was confusing, and I was not even sure if it was just one person you were talking about until the end. Caps at the start of all the lines could be removed.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 478
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Joined: Oct 2011
i'm biased towards grammatical sentences in poems; here, a number of verbs are missing written subjects. The ellipses didn't seem necessary. I believe I understood everything except for the bit about the dog.
my last nit is that the poem is heavy on description but a little weak on action, leading to some stanzas starting to feel more like fluff than actual content.
the idea is here, arguably the meat is as well, but it strikes me as being a little buried at the moment
Written only for you to consider.
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(04-18-2012, 12:00 AM)Chaotic Body Wrote: Alone man... enjoys his
Single coffee. this works well on a few levels
Black coffee.. poems could write
How appropriate to his hunching-over,
It finds itself. Dominated by mood. feels too abstract
Risen steam, meets white-spattered red
Jacket, some light hairs of a beard
And abandoned grey head mop. this stanza needs a bit of clarity
The man's still in the cold, I can tell
Won't look up or around, stares at the mug...
Prized, protected. Waits between sips, a dog this stanza works
The owner fearing departure, maybe?
Temporarily nursing an imaginary loved one
This one thing that he has. this stanza also works well
A waitress walks over, eyeing...
Why don't you just let him
Enjoy his coffee.
this is the best of your yours i've read CB
it's almost there, i had to work hard in parts to get a handle on it.
i think for now it would be bast to go with good grammar; you can find your own style of course but best to do the basic stuff first.
thanks for the read.
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I am torn. On the one hand, I think the 3rd and 4th lines are mostly unnecessary, with the exception of the hunching bit. On the other, I feel that there is a place for thin, reedy writing, where not every word is full of colour, and where many do not move things on at all. A mood can still be created in that way. I hope these thoughts are of some use. 
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"i'm biased towards grammatical sentences in poems" 
Don't you know Geoff, everything is just opinion, and while that may be yours it is still no more valid than those who think grammar inhibits creativity, despite the fact that it has evolved over hundreds of years to create a system of symbolic representation that communicates the writer's intended meaning as clearly as possible...after all, clarity is just another hindrance to creativity, and surely no one writes with the idea in mind that the reader should as clearly as possible understand what the writer was trying to communicate. What a provincial attitude, only the severely egoistic would think it is important that they, as the writer, should be understood.
Evidently, such a person does not understand that a poem is an always evolving, only coming into being when it interacts in a pseudo symbiotic relationship with the reader (a literary gestalt, if you will, giving the sad skeleton flesh and bones), and clear communication by the writer is not only, not a consideration, or something to be desired, but it is something to be avoided altogether (why the very idea is completely repugnant to the sophisticated mind), least it contaminate the poem. [Image: http://a1.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-a...5371_n.jpg]
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(04-18-2012, 12:00 AM)Chaotic Body Wrote: v2.0 (made some clarity changes, ending dropped because it sounded too assuming, which is very bad.)
Alone man... enjoys hisDo you mean "Alone man" as a taxon or do you mean "A lone man" as defined by this poem. Unclear enough to be accidental.
Single coffee.Picky, I know, but is there a double or a triple coffee? Again, not firm enough in intent to give the reader cofidence
Black coffee.. poems could write
How appropriate to his hunching-over,
It finds itself. Dominated by mood.It? What is this "it"? The coffee is long gone. In a different stanza, even. I guess we are talking espresso, here
Risen steam, meets white-spattered red
Jacket, some light hairs of a beard
And abandoned grey head mop.Now who are we talking about here? You seem to be able to "see" this scene and believe the reader shares your viewpoint. I will try. I see a man drinking coffee, patently alone. The man is hunched over his beverage. The coffee is small, hot, black and steaming. Of no consequence whatsoever, and by this yardstick, puzzling....his red jacket is spattered in white. Perhaps he is an interior decorator on a lunch break....strange coloured jacket for a decorator to wear. Nonetheless, his choice, who gives a fuck? I don't. Should I? What's coming next. Oh, he has a mop of grey hair and a beard. Unkempt. Quite liked "abandoned" but not that much. Right, those white spatters...you were saying. Oh...you were'nt. Bugger.
The man's still in the cold, I can tell Why is he in the cold. Are we outside in December. If so, then I could tell and you wouldn't need to. If he is indoors, why is he cold? Help me.
Won't look up or around- stares at the mug... I understand this line
Prized, protected. Waits between sips, a dog Whaaa? Whhhoo? Whiiii? What dog. WHAT DOG???? You didn't say he had a dog? You lied to me. I don't believe anything you say anymore.
The owner preoccupied in thought, uses thumbs:No, I am really past caring. The cafe owner or the coffee owner, not sure which, has the use of his thumbs. Big deal. That's evolution for you.
Temporarily nursing an imaginary companion
This one thing that he has. Oh, and you forgot to tell me that the cafe owner or the coffee owner doesn't really have a dog but if he thinks he has, it is a poorly dog or not yet weened and though he hasn't really got one it is the only thing he has....but not for long, once the temporary nursing stops it will probably die or starve.....sucking thumbs is no substitute for formula. Shit. I am getting involved. I am out of this.
(end)
I am being really harsh but it is an issue with me that often the writers who have the very best thoughts, seeing things the rest of us do not, have an inability to convey such thoughts. You are such a writer. I wish that I could write this much about nothing at all, seriously, but I veer away because it takes more skill than I possess to carry it off. Try, please, at the very least, to make your words translatable into something which the reader can pick up and carry. Something solid and tangible. Something.
Best,
tectak
v1.0 Original
Alone man... enjoys his
Single coffee.
Black coffee.. poems could write
How appropriate to his hunching-over,
It finds itself. Dominated by mood.
Risen steam, meets white-spattered red
Jacket, some light hairs of a beard
And abandoned grey head mop.
The man's still in the cold, I can tell
Won't look up or around, stares at the mug...
Prized, protected. Waits between sips, a dog
The owner fearing departure, maybe?
Temporarily nursing an imaginary loved one
This one thing that he has.
A waitress walks over, eyeing...
Why don't you just let him
Enjoy his coffee.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(04-23-2012, 04:45 PM)Erthona Wrote: "i'm biased towards grammatical sentences in poems"
Don't you know Geoff, everything is just opinion, and while that may be yours it is still no more valid than those who think grammar inhibits creativity,
Dale
it's no less valid either, it's his opinion, he's posted it. if others have differening opinions or the poet themself has a differring opinion, that also as valid, no more no less when someone is giving "just" and opinion. he (i presume) as we all do when we reply, give our opinion. just to keep it on topic.
grammar; if missing for a reason, can be beneficial to reader and poet alike, if missing or ignored through laziness or lack of understanding or comprehension, which seems to be the case here, serves no good purpose apart from showing the need of good grammar or good lack of grammar. the latter part is directed to the poet about the poem.
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Billy,
I said that tongue in cheek.
"grammar; if missing for a reason"
Show me one in a thousand that has a valid reason for not using correct grammar. People write in this ee cummings style ad hoc, and haven't a clue as to why they do so, or what the purpose would be.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
05-03-2012, 11:07 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-03-2012, 11:07 AM by billy.)
i realised that after i posted, left it there for two reasons, to show that mistakes can be made when interpreting someone elses intent and to show that i'm not a god after all  addy spotted what you meant and told me. to remove such a mistake would have been a cop out on my part. i want to defend myself but can't unless i'm allowed to lie 
sorry (i just got weary of whatever it was i got weary of. i think ray had a part to play with it, i can say that now he's not posting. )
sorry for cluttering up the thread chaotic.
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