(adult content, murder) Death's tempted

[Chaotic Body]

v2.1

"Death's tempted"

Tight, violently, shakes the head. Eyes for the doomed
Throat gives a gleeful shriek, half-accidental
Death rubs black bony hands together frantically
It's almost time


Many years Death worked crafting this day
When mankind takes such strange turns on himself
Now cornered, Death in closing reach of his fix
A glorious day for Death.


A suited man in his early 40s, perplexed, Doomed
Now enraged, thrusts a cell phone onto the prestigious office floor,
Turns to the window in ritual like fashion as he sighs:
A long last breath, ended by a sniper


Streets roll and roar evaporating Hatred, who leaps into the sky
For, humanity no hold over its aggressors, Death's tempted
Men with knowledge of law, now infused with Greed: oblige;
Unsealed demon-cracks, history cannot fight


None of those murders in the streets, conflicts in chaos,
None are as sweet as the all-too-ready betrayal of such important men
Death dips his long teeth into his new meat, scrapes the sweetness out
Mankind has been fooled again.


(end)

v1.1

His head shakes feverishly, manically, eyes on the doomed
A gleeful shriek is let out half-accidentally
Death rubs his black bony hands together frantically
It's almost time


For many years had Death worked to craft this day
When mankind would take such strange turns on himself
Now cornered, with Death in the final closing reach of reward
A glorious day for Death.


The doomed is a man his early 40s
Aggravated, thrusts down a cell phone onto the high-rise office floor
Turns to the window in a ritual like fashion as he sighs
A long last breath, ended by a sniper


Death observes a thousand roars of appreciation in the streets;
A great reshuffling of power;
Men with knowledge of law lining up to patch things over;
The world machine rolling one turn


But none of those deaths in the streets, in the ghettoes
None are as sweet as the all-too-ready betrayal of such important men
Death dips his long teeth into his new meat, scrapes the sweetness out
Mankind has been fooled again.

(end)


v1.0 Original

Head rattles inhumanly, manically, eyes on the target
A gleeful shriek is let out half-accidentally
He rubs his hands together frantically
It's almost time


The target is a man his early 40s
Aggravated, thrusts down a cell phone onto the high-rise office floor
Turns to the window in a ritual like fashion as he sighs
A long last breath, ended by the sniper


A thousand roars of appreciation in the streets
A great reshuffling of power
Men with knowledge of law line up to patch things up
History repeats itself, the world rolling one turn


But none of those deaths in the street, in the ghettoes
None are as sweet as the all-too-ready betrayal of such important men
Death dips his long teeth into his new meat, scrapes the sweetness out
Mankind has been fooled again.

(end)

I want to know what this means! But I am trying to be pretty clear

some man of power (common theme) is thrust into depreciation (e.g. Kony)
rioting and prejudice and killing, (common theme)

Death is personified, first you may think the sniper refers to the first verse but that's not so

Death getting his fix, working hard to create such a perfect composition or result that in human terms would be 'beautiful', is what I am playing with

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

[Erthona]

The idea of "None are as sweet as the all-too-ready betrayal of such important men" is an interesting idea, however, it seems a bit at odds with the first part of the poem, either that or there is a connection lacking between the two, and that would only be possible if the assassin is somehow archetypal rather than specific, which doesn't appear to be the case (despite your end note).

Same basic problems as regards form as in the other two poems. Reads more like a hard boiled detective novel than poetry.

Dale

[Chaotic Body]

The general thing I've been trying to do in all of these pieces of writing is build up some interest in different things and then have them converge at the end, and for me that really happens great in the last verse.

I think there's a problem with my trying to conceal that I'm describing Death personified in the first verse
Should I be concerned about the reader having to look back and re-connect them? Isn't that something valuable, potentially?

Or if it reads well is that always better? Does it matter whether it's prose or a poem? (I should do my homework here!)

>either that or there is a connection lacking between the two, and that would only be possible if the assassin is somehow archetypal
>rather than specific, which doesn't appear to be the case
I'm getting confused with what you're saying here because of all the ('inversions'?), I'm not sure what it's called

How would I connect them and still maintain a good converging effect?.. I'll think about it some more

[Aish]

Head rattles inhumanly, manically, eyes on the target I am having an immediate problem with your opening strophe, and especially with your opening line. While 'manically' is not a word, and maniacally would be a suggestion to consider, 'inhumanly' does not compute for me. To stalk prey, be it a rival, for sport, or retaliation, seems all too human. The ability to murder would seem to be on the level of physiological needs/primal instincts/basal anger/survival. Anything operating from this mechanism could be taken a hundred different directions starting from sociopathalogical, but inhuman it is not. Most religious systems all have murderous inclinations as a humanistic failing to be avoided.
A gleeful shriek is let out half-accidentally
He rubs his hands together frantically
It's almost time


The target is a man his early 40s
Aggravated, thrusts down a cell phone onto the high-rise office floor
Turns to the window in a ritual like fashion as he sighs
A long last breath, ended by the sniper


A thousand roars of appreciation in the streets The focus shifted here. I am not sure it shifted clearly.
A great reshuffling of power
Men with knowledge of law line up to patch things up
History repeats itself, the world rolling one turn


But none of those deaths in the street, in the ghettoes
None are as sweet as the all-too-ready betrayal of such important men
Death dips his long teeth into his new meat, scrapes the sweetness out
Mankind has been fooled again.

Your penultimate strophe seems out of place to me. Your final strophe could be developed into a piece of its own, and would be more effective in my opinion.


(end)

I want to know what this means! But I am trying to be pretty clear

some man of power (common theme) is thrust into depreciation (e.g. Kony)
rioting and prejudice and killing, (common theme)

Death is personified, first you may think the sniper refers to the first verse but that's not so

Death getting his fix, working hard to create such a perfect composition or result that in human terms would be 'beautiful', is what I am playing with

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

Even as a study in the personification of death this really falls short for me. After several readings I don't find myself viewing the scene you painted with any emotion/acumin whatsoever.

[Todd]

The ideas you are reaching for aren't bad though I got them from your explanation not the poem. Death as an addict searching for the perfect fix with diminishing returns.

Leading off from the idea of its never as good as the first time and treating the deaths like great moments when he got high or bad junk would be an interesting angle.

If you've never read it look at Eyes Fastened With Pins by Charles Simic for another example of death personified.

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171689

Best,

Todd

[Bronte]

someone’s idea of how it felt to kill Kennedy in the first three verses and
a few by lines nagging at the reader to believe his prattle, believe and be saved..

[Chaotic Body]

The ideas you are reaching for aren't bad though I got them from your explanation not the poem. Death as an addict searching for the perfect fix with diminishing returns.

Leading off from the idea of its never as good as the first time and treating the deaths like great moments when he got high or bad junk would be an interesting angle.

If you've never read it look at Eyes Fastened With Pins by Charles Simic for another example of death personified.

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171689

Thanks

I really wanted the 'folly of mankind' to be central, though, and I need a metaphor for this 'cycle' type of exploitation of mankind, by Death, to be conveyed.. I think, this would mean doing the personalization of Death in more detail. Yeah, like you say, I need to emphasize this is the almost feast-like peak of activity for Death as he collects a well-earned reward.. other times he can just use his minions

---

someone’s idea of how it felt to kill Kennedy in the first three verses

I imagined Death is really feeling and experiencing a lot, in that he observes all of society's movements like I mention "in the streets", maybe I should have Death saying that, yeah and in that sense he does see the beauty of this convergence of many things. Which in this imaginary world, grants Death a lot for having set up. So Death, more than anyone, loves this and is uncontrollably active, racing, surging inside with that sweetness he can almost taste.

But I am meaning for this poem to be applied, generally, to dictators or individuals such as Saddam, Osama Bin Laden (he was betrayed by a family member I think it was, so that would work with what I have here..!)

[billy]

Head rattles inhumanly, manically, eyes on the target
A gleeful shriek is let out half-accidentally
He rubs his hands together frantically
It's almost time


The target is a man his early 40s
Aggravated, thrusts down a cell phone onto the high-rise office floor
Turns to the window in a ritual like fashion as he sighs
A long last breath, ended by the sniper


A thousand roars of appreciation in the streets
A great reshuffling of power
Men with knowledge of law line up to patch things up
History repeats itself, the world rolling one turn


But none of those deaths in the street, in the ghettoes
None are as sweet as the all-too-ready betrayal of such important men
Death dips his long teeth into his new meat, scrapes the sweetness out
Mankind has been fooled again.

(end)

I want to know what this means! But I am trying to be pretty clear

some man of power (common theme) is thrust into depreciation (e.g. Kony)
rioting and prejudice and killing, (common theme)

Death is personified, first you may think the sniper refers to the first verse but that's not so

Death getting his fix, working hard to create such a perfect composition or result that in human terms would be 'beautiful', is what I am playing with

All criticism welcomed & appreciated

mainly, it;s the enjambment that is allowing the piece to be called prose poetry but is that enough, while the content is clear, i'd like to see some use of simile, metaphor, assonance, consonance, etc.
ast present if feels like i'm being told a story
i'm not trying to re write the poem and it's just a rush thing anyway to try and show what i mean;

---

A thousand roars of appreciation in the streets
A great reshuffling of power
Men with knowledge of law line up to patch things up
History repeats itself, the world rolling one turn

---

A thousand rolling roars, the street rumbles
power re birthed
lawmakers lay with lambs
History's phoenix, slaughtered again.

---

just an idea to get the juices flowing.

titles are always good

billy

[Erthona]

"someone’s idea of how it felt to kill Kennedy in the first three verses"

I got that also.
-------------------------------------------------
Aish makes some very good points concerning your first stanza. I thought much of that at the time, but didn't come back to it.

Dale

[Chaotic Body]

mainly, it;s the enjambment that is allowing the piece to be called prose poetry but is that enough, while the content is clear, i'd like to see some use of simile, metaphor, assonance, consonance, etc.
ast present if feels like i'm being told a story
i'm not trying to re write the poem and it's just a rush thing anyway to try and show what i mean;

---

A thousand roars of appreciation in the streets
A great reshuffling of power
Men with knowledge of law line up to patch things up
History repeats itself, the world rolling one turn

---

A thousand rolling roars, the street rumbles
power re birthed
lawmakers lay with lambs
History's phoenix, slaughtered again.

---

just an idea to get the juices flowing.

titles are always good

billy

Wow that's so awesome !

I'm telling myself to stay really objective, I think this is key to the effect?
But yeah I want to have contrasting verses that's pretty cool..

I have no idea what to call it haha!
--

I have a new version up anyway

Also, just because why not, I release my poems/stories into the public domain

[Chaotic Body]

*updated it*

[tectak]

mainly, it;s the enjambment that is allowing the piece to be called prose poetry but is that enough, while the content is clear, i'd like to see some use of simile, metaphor, assonance, consonance, etc.
ast present if feels like i'm being told a story
i'm not trying to re write the poem and it's just a rush thing anyway to try and show what i mean;

---

A thousand roars of appreciation in the streets
A great reshuffling of power
Men with knowledge of law line up to patch things up
History repeats itself, the world rolling one turn

---

A thousand rolling roars, the street rumbles
power re birthed
lawmakerso lay with lambs
History's phoenix, slaughtered again.

---

just an idea to get the juices flowing.

titles are always good

billy

Wow that's so awesome !

I'm telling myself to stay really objective, I think this is key to the effect?
But yeah I want to have contrasting verses that's pretty cool..

I have no idea what to call it haha!
--

I have a new version up anyway

Also, just because why not, I release my poems/stories into the public domain

Oh oh! A WOW and an AWESOME in one sentence! Leanne where are you?