drought

[Philatone]

v. 5 trying to scale down some of the imagery


drought update

by the time the weatherman

delves into the week ahead

and finds the clouds

hollow again

the sky has lost

its mature charm

days pass away

to a ceremony

of sunlight

birdsong and

empty bouquets

flowers have lost their thirst

trees their weight

earth its roots

dust its chains



v. 4 thanks to billy; punctuation removed

drought update

by the time the weatherman

delves into the week ahead

and finds the mines

drained of life again

the sky has already lost

its cerulean charm

stars have been charted

clouds pass away

to a ceremony

of sunlight

birdsong and

empty bouquets

flowers have lost their thirst

trees their weight

earth its roots

dust its chains.



v. 3 played with spacing, altered "weather is just" line

drought

When everything dies
people turn to the sky.

Forecasters dig deeper
into weeks for signs of life

as the blue has lost its charm.
Stars have been charted and dimmed,

and the clouds that appear
pass away

to a ceremony of sunlight,
birdsongs, and empty bouquets.

The flowers have lost their thirst,
the trees their weight,

the earth its roots,
the dust its chains.




V. 2 thanks to leanne
removed simile from s.1

drought

When everything dies
people turn to the sky.
Forecasters have been digging deeper
into weeks for signs of life,
but the weather is just

too pure. The blue has faded,
stars have been charted and dimmed,
and the clouds that appear
pass away

to a ceremony of sunlight,
birdsongs, and empty bouquets.
The flowers have lost their thirst,
the trees their weight,
the earth its roots,
the dust its chains.


--------------
original



The remains of grass
lie next to a hose like a desert
surrounding a canteen. When everything dies

people turn to the sky.
Forecasters have been digging deeper
into weeks for signs of life,
but the weather is just

too pure. The blue has faded,
stars have been charted and dimmed,
and the clouds that appear
pass away

to a ceremony of sunlight,
birdsongs, and empty bouquets.
The flowers have lost their thirst,
the trees their weight,
the earth its roots,
the dust its chains.

[Leanne]

But at least you can confidently plan a barbecue

I am not convinced that the simile to begin with is a strong enough introduction to the piece -- for a start, the two things being compared aren't really all that different, so it's almost as if you've got a simile that thinks it's synecdoche. You could start the poem with "when everything dies" and lose nothing.

Otherwise, I have nothing much to suggest. I love your final stanza, particularly your final line, which is not just a lovely image but also very philosophical.

(PS. My brother was in kindergarten before he even saw rain. The water restrictions were so severe we were only allowed to turn our kitchen taps on between certain hours, and then only for cooking/drinking purposes. No showers, only baths that the whole family shared -- not all at once, just shared the water! And we could only flush the toilet once a day. The cracks in the ground were brilliant fun for kids, we had our own canyon landscape and some of them were too wide to jump across. That's why I laugh when people complain about only being allowed to water their gardens on every other day, or not being able to use sprinklers )

[Philatone]

leanne

fair enough on the simile, think I can afford to lose it now.
thanks for the time and feedback; your words are kind.

crazy story; fortunately, our water restrictions were never that severe, but barbecues were strictly forbidden for fear of burning everything. what inspired this was when it rained 5 days out of 365; not quite 5 years, but long regardless for this part of the country

[billy]

i came late to this one (had work to do, sorry) so i'll just leave feedback on the latest edit.

v. 3 played with spacing, altered "weather is just" line

drought

When everything dies
people turn to the sky as an opening for the poem, it feels a bit weak, is there any way to say that would grab the attention?

Forecasters dig deeper
into weeks for signs of life same again, how about some stronger words, forecasters forage
through blah blah blah as an example

as the blue has lost its charm.
Stars have been charted and dimmed,

and the clouds that appear
pass away sorry geoff but this also feels very very weak

to a ceremony of sunlight,
birdsongs, and empty bouquets. would birdsong work better,

The flowers have lost their thirst, are the 'the's' needed?
the trees their weight,
flowers have lost their thirst
trees, their weight,

the earth its roots,
the dust its chains.

it doesn't really grab me, i think with something like drought you can be more descriptive, find lots of similes/ metaphor for different aspect. also try some assonance, consonance and alliteration. because you're using couplets about such a subject i think they need to be a lot stronger to carry us over to the next.
of course this may not be so in a love poem etc but dying of thirst (almost or the risk of it ) is pretty serious. jmo to do with as you wish

thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

notes taken, billy. an edit will be up shortly. decided that couplets may not be the best medium for the piece, nor perhaps even some of the strictness of punctuation, dealing with such desperation. let me know your thoughts if you have time

[Roy Hobbs]

I intend, here, a variation, a way of looking
at blackbirds not tried before in the last hour.
The variation's name is called "Swinging On A
Gate," But that's justs the name is called, the
name really is "My Mother's Ginger Cakes," but
that's just its name--

it rreally is "Propinquity."

Yes, when images comes together in mutual pro-
poinquity they become linked.

.. and I think of.

drought

When everything dies
people turn to the sky.
**
I was beat and discouraged resting on my stomach
when Annabel said, "Turn (over), to the sky."

Last Wednesday she said the same thing, but I was
standing up; but then I knew 'turn' was not a body
movement, but 'hope,' and when one hopes. one turns
to the sky.
**
Forecasters dig deeper
into weeks for signs of life
**
I think of PhD archeologists sweltering hot
in Tyrns (sp?) looking for signs of a landed
Atlantis, a place that never knew draught.
**
as the blue has lost its charm.
**
It's foggy day in London town and the British
Museum has lost its charm. When Sinatra sings
Jerome Kern's Ol Man River I know how water is
called the definitive archetype (fire is next),
nut that's just what water is called.

I know 'as'-- as used here-- is causal, placed
late (as Fowler says), as he is the supreme gram-
marian. But the reader didn't know the blue has
lost its charm.

Thank the Gods! The poet didn't write, "The blue
has lost its charm, as you know."
**
been charted and dimmed,
**
After work on a chart is finished and the charter-er
is weary and needs rest, he dims in body, especially
in eyesight-- and he dims the light, if not a turning
it out, entirely.
**
and the clouds that appear
**
And I'm back to Jerome Kern looking for that silver
lining and Judy Garland singing the song.
**
pass away
**
The Bible School, every Monday in the summer at the
New York Tabernacle. "This too shall pass away."
**
to a ceremony of sunlight,
**
The lesbians at Ephesus(one of the Seven Wonders) awake
to the sun and wonder if this is the day Penthesilea,
the Russian Amazon, arrives to be sanctified before she
travels on to Troy, there to be slain by Achilles.
**
birdsongs, and empty bouquets.
**
Here, (I can't help it) I think of Wordsworth who
said to a robin chasing a butterfly, "Love him, or leave
him alone."
**
The flowers have lost their thirst,
**
The British Museam has lost its charm.
**
the trees their weight,
**
I think of Bacon and his reprise of Ciceronian ellipses.
**
the earth its roots,
the dust its chains.
**
Still thinking of Bacon (and grits)

Thanks in advance for being a good sport.
rh

[Bronte]

You know what! You are locked into the misery and not the anticipation. Far from everything dying. Life is just waiting.
Look at lake Eyre where once in a generation water flows inland to make a fresh water sea and fish and birds and all the life in hibernation explodes.

[Philatone]

bronte-

thanks for the time! for sure, there is anticipation, but it's not an aspect i was trying to convey specifically in this piece. do you think it would add more to the poem to have that sentiment? I though focusing on a single element would be enough without being overbearing, but i'm mistaken way too often

[billy]

v. 5 trying to scale down some of the imagery


drought update

by the time the weatherman

delves into the week ahead

and finds the clouds

hollow again

the sky has lost

its mature charm this is my only nit, and it is only a nit

days pass away

to a ceremony

of sunlight

birdsong and

empty bouquets

flowers have lost their thirst

trees their weight

earth its roots

dust its chains

the nit, would
that mature charm be more coherent?
i really like where this has gone. the spacing and lack of grammar works really

[Chaotic Body]

I liked the idea of it guiding me in groups of 4 lines
("To a ceremony" is like a line of a next stanza? kind of? I like that)

The last part, I'd like 4 of those features (metaphors is not the word I mean)
Not 5