Dorian Gray

[Roy Hobbs]

Sedulous in full aesthetic dress,
Dorian Gray pursed his lips,
(those chiseled in excellent disdain)
posed his ivory cane
aslant the wrought-iron gate.
In dandy style announced,
with a doily at his nose,
“Oscar, I'm getting younger,
but the portrait I've lived
has finished too late."

rh

[abu nuwas]

Hi!

A doily? Not much of an 'aesthete'.

[Roy Hobbs]

Dorian had sinus-drip.
Until that cleared he
used doilies-- not to
discolor his silks.

Everyone knows that.

[abu nuwas]

I believe you. You say anything, I can hardly remember a thing about it.

[Roy Hobbs]

I believe you. You say anything, I can hardly remember a thing about it.

LOL

Thanks for being a sport.
rh

[Leanne]

Hello Roy, and welcome!

Obviously, the last few lines of this are the crux and most entertaining, though you do well to set the mood. I do feel the first part of the poem is a little over-modified, understanding of course that one needs to remain true to Wilde's hyperbolic tendencies -- still, I don't think you need "full" in the first line, as this is (to me at least) implied by "sedulous" (one wouldn't be sedulous by halves!). I wonder if just "Dorian" instead of "Dorian Gray" would do for L2? Also, "with a doily at his nose" seems a little pedestrian -- perhaps "doily patting at his nose" or something to that effect?

Thanks for the read, and thanks for choosing Dorian!

[billy]

hi again roy, been busy as hell today so i'll have some feedback for you tomorrow, i'm sure dorian will still be around

[Erthona]

A doily...no, I think a "silk kerchief". One sets one's drink upon a doily, or covers the end of a padded chair arm with one.

Personally I'd go with "assiduous" instead of "sedulous" for the alliteration with "aesthetic". Definitely drop the "full".

Also, purely personal I'd go with either "he" or "Gray" instead of "Dorian Gray" in L2.

Possibly "framed" instead of "posed" in L4.

Regardless, a nice and clever poem.

Dale

[Roy Hobbs]

[quote='Erthona' pid='92679' dateline='1332335780']
A doily...no, I think a "silk kerchief". One sets one's drink upon a doily, or covers the end of a padded chair arm with one.

Personally I'd go with "assiduous" instead of "sedulous" for the alliteration with "aesthetic". Definitely drop the "full".

Also, purely personal I'd go with either "he" or "Gray" instead of "Dorian Gray" in L2.

Possibly "framed" instead of "posed" in L4.

Regardless, a nice and clever poem.

Dale

******
'doily' was a terrible choice.
No doily shall be used from this date
anywhere near a character's nose. It
shall continue its function as a mat
for my Irish whiskey glass.
rh

[Erthona]

quite right, and a stumping good use I'd say!


Dale

[billy]

Sedulous in full aesthetic dress,
Dorian Gray pursed his lips,
(those chiseled in excellent disdain)
posed his ivory cane
aslant the wrought-iron gate.
In dandy style announced,
with a doily at his nose,
“Oscar, I'm getting younger,
but the portrait I've lived
has finished too late."

rh

my problem is with ivory can, while they were called ivory canes, they were, are ivory handled canes.

unlike the multitude i like the idea of a doily for a snotrag, (true story coming up); i had a friend whose aunt we would visit (cakes and cola).
she served everything on chintz plates and in chintz cups set on lace doilies. she had the habit of plucking a doily from the portable trolly and wiping my frineds nose with it, he hated it but it was worth it for the goodies...so i'm for the doily dabber.

the last 3 lines were for me excellent, mainly the getting younger part and complaining about it. if i had a nit it would be that the 1st line feels more akin to an oscar poem than a dorian. jmo

great to see your poetry roy and thanks for the read.

[Roy Hobbs]

Sedulous in full aesthetic dress,
Dorian Gray pursed his lips,
(those chiseled in excellent disdain)
posed his ivory cane
aslant the wrought-iron gate.
In dandy style announced,
with a doily at his nose,
“Oscar, I'm getting younger,
but the portrait I've lived
has finished too late."

Thanks billy,

This effort goes in the bottom drawer--
left side. The drawer guides are well-oiled.
The drawer itself is reinforced to carry the
weight of a I,000 poems, discarded.
rh

my problem is with ivory can, while they were called ivory canes, they were, are ivory handled canes.

unlike the multitude i like the idea of a doily for a snotrag, (true story coming up); i had a friend whose aunt we would visit (cakes and cola).
she served everything on chintz plates and in chintz cups set on lace doilies. she had the habit of plucking a doily from the portable trolly and wiping my frineds nose with it, he hated it but it was worth it for the goodies...so i'm for the doily dabber.

the last 3 lines were for me excellent, mainly the getting younger part and complaining about it. if i had a nit it would be that the 1st line feels more akin to an oscar poem than a dorian. jmo

great to see your poetry roy and thanks for the read.

[billy]

i have similar draw but it's probably much, much bigger

[Philatone]

hey roy! wanted to give this a peek

Sedulous in full aesthetic dress, ...wasn't the biggest fan of "aesthetic"; i'm ok with sedulous
Dorian Gray pursed his lips,
(those chiseled in excellent disdain)
posed his ivory cane
aslant the wrought-iron gate.
In dandy style announced,...think the word "dandy" is perfect for the piece
with a doily at his nose,
“Oscar, I'm getting younger,
but the portrait I've lived
has finished too late." ...great close

rh

i feel as though your word choice was extremely precise, though perhaps not always in a style I favor myself. Regardless, i can sense the attention to detail; overall, it was a fun work to read and well done

[Roy Hobbs]

Thanks all -- the whiskey goes down better
when I get a reply right here, by phone or letter.

[Indie]

Sedulous in full aesthetic dress,
Dorian Gray pursed his lips,
(those chiseled in excellent disdain)
posed his ivory cane
aslant the wrought-iron gate.
In dandy style announced,
with a doily at his nose,
“Oscar, I'm getting younger,
but the portrait I've lived
has finished too late."

rh

The Picture of Dorian Gray, my favourite book of all time. The title was the hook for me here.

I love the strength of the first line, and the lines that follow it, right up until doily, like someone commented in a previous post, a silk kerchief would have been more appropriate. The mental image it gives me is bizarre, and kind of ludicrous. Love the ending.

Indie

[tectak]

Sedulous in full aesthetic dress,
Dorian Gray pursed his lips,
(those chiseled in excellent disdain)
posed his ivory cane
aslant the wrought-iron gate.
In dandy style announced,
with a doily at his nose,
“Oscar, I'm getting younger,
but the portrait I've lived
has finished too late."

rh

Hi Roy and thanks for this cameo. There is not enough open to criticism to do a line by line...in fact there is not enough of it! I could have taken more.
A few observations, mostly etymological and probably preferential, too.
"Sedulous" is probably up to the mark but it is an adjective at heart. Implied though, is "he was sedulous" and so as "sedulousness", quantitative, is a non-starter "assiduously" with minor changes to the line, would perhaps be more pleasing.
No requirement for "those" unless he has an assortment of lips and he chose the chiselled pair!
"aslant" is excellent, carrying with it a certain languidity. Stereo-typical pose but very good prod to the memory of the portrait.
Unless humourous in intent, I don't think "doily" has veracity; "kerchief" probably hits the mark but doily-like kerchiefs were all the rage as a wealth indicators. I cannot argue this point as I know EXACTLY what the image conjours....and it works.
The close needs a little untangling but even as I failed to decipher, it seemed to make sense....which is good enough. I am reminded of Boris Johnson whose retort "I could not fail to disagree with you less" has similar characteristics[]
Please forgive me for this impudence, but have you read the OW story of Dorian? I have, and that is why the close, to me anyway, seems enigmatic.
Perhaps that is your intent.
Best,
tectak