So Kind

[Erthona]

I can’t say that she was being unkind,
when she separated out,
what was hers,
from… what was mine.
Justice is the best hoped for—
there’s no room for mercy
—when what was loved,
is now abhorred.
-------------------------------------
It is unfair, though no less true,
we pay for what we chose to do.
Consciously intended or not,
we pay for all the sins that we’ve forgot.


©2012 -Erthona

Note bene:

A homily or apothegm of sorts. Not of the epiphanous, but of the, “ah ha, I knew that”, type. Not exactly a poem for serious critique in terms of the thought, but it does present some editing difficulties. As I have beat up on it quite a bit, I thought I’d let you have a go at it.

Dale

[rayheinrich]

"..." after "from" seems unnecessary

maybe use "(there’s no room for mercy)" instead of "— ... —"

I abhor "abhor", some other word...

fix rhythm of last two lines
maybe
"Intended consciously or not,
we pay for sins that we’ve forgot."

or maybe keep it varied to emphasize the end:
"Intended consciously or not,
we pay
for all the sins that we’ve forgot."

[tectak]

I can’t say that she was being unkind,
when she separated out, not a good place for this comma as this line and the next is an uncomplicated statement. Splitting it diminishes the finality
what was hers,
from… what was mine. but yes to the pseudo elipsis. It works. What is missing!
Justice is the best hoped for—
there’s no room for mercy
—when what was loved,
is now abhor. Won't stand reading aloud. What a bore it now is." I (or even we) now abhor". Maybe
-------------------------------------
It is unfair, though no less true,
we pay for what we chose to do.
Consciously intended or not,
we pay for all the sins that we’ve forgot.Well hello, Muse, where have you been?Really good commitment verse end. Like it a lot but would ditch the word "all"


©2012 -Erthona

Note bene:

A homily or apothegm of sorts. Not of the epiphanous, but of the, “ah ha, I knew that”, type. Not exactly a poem for serious critique in terms of the thought, but it does present some editing difficulties. As I have beat up on it quite a bit, I thought I’d let you have a go at it.

Dale

You know I like this sort of thing. A distilled thought, spirit in a thimble. Works for me.
Best,
Tectak

[Erthona]

Sorry guys, abhor was supposed to be abhorred. I change the tense elsewhere and forgot to change that part.

Ray, as abhorrent as abhor is, (not to mention sounding slightly Persian) every poet must write a poem that uses it. It is like the butterfly poem.

"fix rhythm of last two lines"

There was suppose to be a caesura of some kind after "intended", but I forgot

Thanks

tectak,

Yes, and overabundance of commas have always been a failing of mine...one of the few areas I am generous in

"What a bore it now is." I (or even we) now abhor""

What vehemence against a poor 'ittle word!

"Well hello, Muse, where have you been?Really good commitment verse end."
What a marvelous little tend, can you say what it portends?

OK, I'll regularize it just for you,
although I haven't seen the Muse,
she leaves me when I'm feeling Blue.

Dale

[rayheinrich]

.
"Sorry guys, abhor was supposed to be abhorred."

In that case, consider yourself a success (at least with us).

Here's something that doesn't use "abhor":

    "Justice is the best that you can gain,
     when underpants instead of mercy rain."


Ray, as abhorrent as abhor is, (not to mention sounding slightly Persian) every poet
must write a poem that uses it. It is like the butterfly poem.

Challenge accepted:

    Here's a poem that's got "abhor",
    and "butterflies"; done, out the door.

But, getting back to the topic:

[ckeo]

This is short enough for me to wrap my mind around and I'll give you some things I feel
would make a difference in my mind at least:

- "separated" does not give the impression of the permanence that "when what was loved,
is now abhorred." implies. "division" would be a better choice, but would require considerable rewording.

- "when what was loved, is now abhorred." solidifying, however, I feel it is over expressed,
for example: "A life I now abhor" would be more along the lines of what I would be looking for (line stolen from the song "Monster" - by Disturbed)

[Erthona]

ckeo,

Thanks for the read and the comments.

""separated" does not give the impression of the permanence"

It was not suppose to. What was being highlighted was the "separating out", the dividing of the possessions, and that a just division was at best what one can expect when the other person is hurt and aggrieved. Of course this is about more than just physical belongings.
The reason I used "separated out" was because it carries with it the idea of creating two piles. It is a wheat and chafe sort of thing, where one is good and one is trash.

Dale
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray,

"Here's something that doesn't use "abhor":
"Justice is the best that you can gain,
when underpants instead of mercy rain.""

Nothing ungainly about that.

Tonight's weather,

"Billowing waist, with a chance of underpants!"

It's raining underpants.
How do you know?
I just stepped into a jock with a pair of boxers and got skivvies all over my clean pants!


Here's a poem that's got "abhor",
and "butterflies"; done, out the door.

A Raylimerick

Sailed in on the ship abhor,
two lines, then...raised anchor?
--that won't do,
anchor down, Mister Magoo,
We need at least three more.

Ray, you may need to be treated for logomisia!

[rayheinrich]

.
"Ray, you may need to be treated for logomisia!"

No worries: It's not the 'hate' of logomisia that you're
witnessing; it's the 'love-hate' of logomania.


    "Au revoir" said the sailor John Moore
    (His innards spilt out on the shore.)
    "Your saber's top drawer,
     It's not it I abhor,
     It's my undies all covered in gore."


In this case getting rid of that abhorant 'abhor'
abhorantly requires rhyming 'goo' with itself:

    "Too-da-loo" said the sailor Magoo:
    (His innards turned out like ragoût)
    "Your saber's just fine
     It's not it that I mind
     It's my undies all covered in goo."

[Philatone]

dale

I apologize for not having gotten to this sooner; it's been some time since I got to a piece of yours, and you've been generous enough to touch my own works so rapidly. having said that:

I haven't seen the critiques, so if I repeat...then, maybe that just reinforces. and if I don't, then I'm probably just the only crazy one

I can’t say that she was being unkind,
when she separated out, ...debated removing the "out" as well as the comma
what was hers,
from… what was mine. ...I get the ellipsis. it gives that dramatic touch. But, that doesn't mean I agree with using it--I'm not convinced it is necessary, but that is a personal feeling. regarding the rest of the stanza, I think the tone is great, the word choice ideal, the subject matter touching because of its familiarity. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but there are so many monosyllabic words that it does create a specific feel; sometimes, I felt like breaking it would not be a bad thing. (interesting, "separated" is one of the few with multiple syllables)
Justice is the best hoped for—
there’s no room for mercy
—when what was loved,
is now abhorred. ...personally, I did not get much from these four lines. The first bit had concreteness, the last stanza had reflection, this one offers...more reflection? telling? again, probably is entirely my own sentiment.
-------------------------------------
It is unfair, though no less true,
we pay for what we chose to do.
Consciously intended or not, ...I wasn't sure how much "consciously" is needed after a word like "intend," though I'm sure that opens up a debate
we pay for all the sins that we’ve forgot. ..like the idea. note: I was expecting the standard past participle instead of "forgot"

I did like the read, Erthona. hope this can help

[popeye]

Nicely written introspection Dale, thanks for the read.

[Erthona]

Geoff,

Yeah, some of this is filler which probably needs to be removed. The first part may suffer from over editing which may have removed necessary parts that now removed leave what is left with less meaning.

Thanks for the critique.

Thanks jiminy.

Dale

[billy]

I can’t say that she was being unkind, is 'that' and 'being' needed
when she separated out,
what was hers,
from… what was mine. why the ...
Justice is the best hoped for— is 'the' needed
there’s no room for mercy is 'there's' needed
—when what was loved,
is now abhorred. abhorred feels weak for me, it feels a bit forced
-------------------------------------
It is unfair, though no less true,
we pay for what we chose to do.
Consciously intended or not,
we pay for all the sins that we’ve forgot. is 'all the' needed

©2012 -Erthona

Note bene:

A homily or apothegm of sorts. Not of the epiphanous, but of the, “ah ha, I knew that”, type. Not exactly a poem for serious critique in terms of the thought, but it does present some editing difficulties. As I have beat up on it quite a bit, I thought I’d let you have a go at it.

Dale

i think the ditty at the end added to the piece in that it gave a bit of lightness, (only because of the rhyme, but it did lighten the piece up)
in general i think it needs a light edit to remove any chaff. i think it's one of those bare bones poems
thanks for read

[Erthona]

Billy,

I agree in all but one. I think I need to lengthen out the line

"Justice is the best hoped for"

back to what it was,

"Justice is the best one can hope for"

Thanks for the read and the comments,

Dale