What the Storm Taught Us (Revision 4)

[Todd]

Rev 4 Changes:

Fixed the clunky opening sequence.

Revision 4

The wind shrieked like the terror of children
left alone—pressed down.
Our hands knotted
with the ropes, abraded
into palsied claws callused as the words
on my tongue, 
as the salt from my heart. 
Fishermen caught
by this man of words, 
who slept as the mast splintered, 
and sail split.

Our throats raw from keening
prayers too inarticulate, too feral, 
as he slept

and woke to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke, and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand quick thrusts.
The waves receded 
like a whisper.
The moment coiled upon itself: a tense serpent
uncertain what to do next.

He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness
to hide within the storm.

So still only the echo remained
and we could not bear it.

~~~

Changes Rev 3

Title change
Massive changes (too many to mention): Philatone, tectak, and an offsite friend gave extensive feedback.

Revision 3

The sky—like the terror of children
left alone—pressed down.
Our hands knotted
with the ropes, abraded
into palsied claws callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen caught
by this man of words,
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.

Our throats raw from keening
prayers too inarticulate, too feral,
as he slept

and woke to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke, and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand quick thrusts.
The waves receded
like a whisper.
The moment coiled upon itself: a tense serpent
uncertain what to do next.

He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness
to hide within the storm.

So still only the echo remained
and we could not bear it.

~~~


Changes Rev.2

Addressed the fishermen line: Mark, Philatone
Dealt with one of the word repetitions: Philatone
Dealt with the smooth path line: Philatone
Dropped "the" before waves: Philatone

Revision 2

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.

We fishermen, caught
by this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke
and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand knife thrusts--
waves receding
like a whisper. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

~~~

Changes:

There were some broader ideas that I need to continue thinking about. There were though some areas that I could address immediately.

L3: Decided to cut “were”

L7: Opened the line with “as” (inspired by tectak)

S2: Decided to sacrifice the carpenter reference to help pacing and adopt some suggested sonic shifts. Also went with less lines to increase the pacing by eliminating some line break pauses (Philatone) Made some changes to the sail part (tectak)

Removed train-of thought (Philatone)

Removed the question marks and tried to smooth out the phrasing (consensus)



Revised

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch

of this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

~~~

Original

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.  
Our hands were knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch

of this man of words
who brought us here.
This man at home with wood,
who slept while it buckled,
as the mast splintered,
the sail snapped,
as our pleas turned
to wails, he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation,
losing his train-of-thought.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
To command the wind
What is a leper?  Or a blind man?
Or the raising of the dead? Compared
to a sea that recognizes a voice.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

[popeye]

What a well crafted poem Todd, done with the poise of a master, the very first line takes hold, and remains right to the end leaving one waiting in the eerie silence. Hope this helps mate as I'm still a novice and can't really offer better critique, loved the poem, thanks for sharing.


PS Using the children as a vehicle for terror is very clever and makes it a must read. Cheers.

[Philatone]

hello todd. don't have many opportunities to try to be helpful for you, so I'm going to do what I can with this.

to begin: having read it a few times, the perspective is really perfect for what you are going for. The theme of the sea, as well as the religious references, come off strong thanks to a precise word choice and solid imagery.

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone. ...debated leaving just "alone" on this line and bringing up "left" to the previous line. doing so would isolate "alone" and also give that sense of longing to the first line
Our hands were knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws...play on rope knots and hands, i like the comparison
callused as the words...such an interesting image, words becoming callused. really gives that sense of overuse, as I'm sure they would be in an episode pf this kind
on my tongue,
the salt from my heart. ...the salt unites man with the sea
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch...great reference. played with switching the tenses, so the "cast" would be past perfect (had casted) and "become" would turn to "became"

of this man of words ...a quick thought was to change "words" to "the word"
who brought us here.
This man at home with wood,
who slept while it buckled,
as the mast splintered,
the sail snapped,
as our pleas turned
to wails, he slept ...enjoyed the scene, but I think slightly altered punctuation and trimming could tighten it and achieve a greater sense of immediacy. I tried:

This man at home with wood
who slept as the mast splintered (to get the /s/ sounds together
and sail snapped,
as our pleas turned to wails.
He slept

just a suggestion that struck me; if left unchanged, I understand completely

to wake to the spray...great play on "spray"
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation,
losing his train-of-thought....I wanted "train-of-thought" to feel less modern.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat....great isolation of this

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
To command the wind
What is a leper? Or a blind man?
Or the raising of the dead? Compared ...personally, I don't feel the question marks enhance the stanza. It made me stumble a bit transitioning from "dead" to "compared"
to a sea that recognizes a voice.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm. ...great close

I hope some of these ideas may resonate with you. it was a piece I enjoyed reading

[tectak]

The sky was like the terror of children this is an unmatched metaphor.A sky like terror? Better to relate. "The sky brought fear, like the terror of children left alone"
Our hands were knotted
into the ropes--palsied clawsexcellent word choice
callused as the words
on my tongue,
the salt from my heart.this line is not attached to anything before or after. A linkage is missing. Accidental ommission?1
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch
what purpose does this missing line serve?
of this man of wordscomma after words then "he who brought..." otherwise as it is ,"who brought us here" quite literally begs a question!
who brought us here.
This man at home with wood,ok but not easily assimilated into understanding. I know what you are saying because the expression "at home with" is 2 known to me, but unless you deliberately meant that there was a duality here..he was familiar with wood AND his home was made of wood, the boat, then you risk puzzling the reader. I am happy to be wrong in this comment but it will still grumble
who slept while it buckledI don't think that wood buckles. Steel plates buckle but wood fractures, splits or, as below, splinters. It can also burst, bend, bow or.....well, almost anything but buckle
as the mast splintered,
the sail snapped,ropes (sheets) snap, sails tear or rent or rip or shred
as our pleas turned
to wails, he slept
I give in. What is this space for?
to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggygreat line. Now you have a lot to live up to
as if pulled from a conversation,
losing his train-of-thought.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
To command the wind
What is a leper? Or a blind man?
Or the raising of the dead? Compared
to a sea that recognizes a voice.not sure about the inquistional use of question marks but I am sure that "obeys" a voice would impart finality to this line rather than "recognises". In any event you are comparing incomparables. "A leper healed, a blind man cured, a dead man raised" is fine; but how to compare a leper to the miracle of a sentient sea, or an inch to a pound?
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.this sounds so good but lacks sense. Light, long awaited, has come at last. Why throw yourself back into darkness? Help me.

If this seems picky it is because you have only left the minimum to pick over! For me, there is so little separating excellence from goodness that you could ignore my whole critique and rest easy. I enjoyed the concept as much, if not more, than the execution.....but that is the way of the lonely poet. Give me concepts everytime!
Best,
Tectak

[Todd]

Hi Jiminy (Popeye),

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad the beginning and ending worked for you. Though you self-identify as a novice, it in no way limits the helpfulness of the feedback. In some ways, we're all novices. There's a nearly endless amount of information to learn and we're all putting it together as best as we can. Thanks again.

Best,

Todd

---

Hi Philatone,

I appreciate your comments and close read. I will absolutely consider them as I sit down to rewrite. Let me try to address some of the points you've raised:

left alone: It's probably a style bias of mine that pushes away from single word lines. I do agree with you that the break on left works very well also. I'll give it some thought to see if the change would enhance the poem. Thanks for pointing it out.

Fisherman part tense change: Those lines originally had another tense. So, I'll play around with it a bit and see if anything else sticks.

of words/the word: I see where you're going. It may be too early in the narrative for the speaker to fully make that connection, but it can be debated. The change does have a nice John 1 tie-in that could be exploited though, so I'll consider it.

immediacy slept lines: Good point. I think increasing the pace in some way might serve well. I'll work with it.

Train-of-thought: That needs to go. Unless it's a caravan, train is too modern. Now, I can't see it any other way. Thanks for the callout. It should be any easy fix.

Question marks: You are probably right let me look at it more.

Thanks for all your comments Geoff. They were most helpful.

Best,

Todd

---

Hi Tectak,

I very much appreciate the read and comments. Let me try to address some of them:

sky/terror of children: Hmm, I don't really see this as unmatched. It's also debatable whether something is effective I'll grant you that. But, I think we have the right with a simile to compare two unlike things. Now, If I look at the effectiveness question the lines originally read(written here with no concern for line breaks): The sky was dark like the terror of children left alone. I'm not sure if that was better the terror was than linking back to a type of darkness. As it's a primal fear, I sort of liked it. What I didn't like was the opening part of the phrase: The sky was dark. It just seemed pedestrian to me or overused. I thought if I used the exposition of storm in the title and than just linked the terror to the sky I could get a tighter image. It's posible something was sacrificed for that condensing though. Those were my thoughts on it. I'll consider the point you raise.

salt from my heart/accidental linkage: No, this was deliberate. I was trying to play back on the idea of callused. Maybe I should include an "as" before the salt to make the link more deliberate. It could be too choppy. Again, I'll add it to the list.

Sail snapped: Great call out in my desire for sonics I've been imprecise. It would be better to say the mast snapped or as you say the sail tears or some such. This will be altered definitely in the revision. Thanks for the catch.

Strophe break after sleep: It's there to give a beat of tension for the narrative. It is to show the passage from one narrative element to another.

Question marks/ recognize vs obey/comparing incomparables: You make some good points. Obey or some variation would probably be a much better word. I'll look into it. The question marks will probably not survive the next edit (thanks). I agree that this is comparing things that are incomparable. I chose that (again whether it's effective or not is debatable) because it seemed true to the narrative and the character given that the narrator is coming to grips with things beyond what they're able to handle.

The ending lacking sense: I get what you're saying. I really do. One of my projects, is a rewriting (some would say a heretical) rewriting of the biblical gospel stories as a series of connected poems (just to try it no real agenda in it). One of the fascinating things you see in these on the sea miracle stories is that they often don't have the expected reaction.

Though, I'm only using this one story I allude to two other stories in this poem (walking on the water obvious) and in the ending line I blend the terror they felt when they considered who was in the boat with them and the miracle of the great catch of fish. One interesting part to that one is that the speaker peter sees the fish filling the net and falls to his knees asking his lord to depart because he was a sinful man. There is an ongoing theme in stories like this or recognizing the sacred and holy and withdrawing from it as if burned. So, that's what I was going for at least.

Again, thanks for walking through the piece and commenting where you did. I will definitely make some changes based on your feedback. Much Appreciated.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Hi Jiminy (Popeye),

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad the beginning and ending worked for you. Though you self-identify as a novice, it in no way limits the helpfulness of the feedback. In some ways, we're all novices. There's a nearly endless amount of information to learn and we're all putting it together as best as we can. Thanks again.

Best,

Todd

---

Hi Philatone,

I appreciate your comments and close read. I will absolutely consider them as I sit 0down to rewrite. Let me try to address some of the points you've raised:

left alone: It's probably a style bias of mine that pushes away from single word lines. I do agree with you that the break on left works very well also. I'll give it some thought to see if the change would enhance the poem. Thanks for pointing it out.

Fisherman part tense change: Those lines originally had another tense. So, I'll play around with it a bit and see if anything else sticks.

of words/the word: I see where you're going. It may be too early in the narrative for the speaker to fully make that connection, but it can be debated. The change does have a nice John 1 tie-in that could be exploited though, so I'll consider it.

immediacy slept lines: Good point. I think increasing the pace in some way might serve well. I'll work with it.
0
Train-of-thought: That needs to go. Unless it's a caravan, train is too modern. Now, I can't see it any other way. Thanks for the callout. It should be any easy fix.

Question marks: You are probably right let me look at it more.

Thanks for all your comments Geoff. They were most helpful.

Best,

Todd

---

Hi Tectak,

I very much appreciate the read and comments. Let me try to address some of them:

sky/terror of children: Hmm, I don't really see this as unmatched. It's also debatable whether something is effective I'll grant you that. But, I think we have the right with a simile to compare two unlike things. Now, If I look at the effectiveness question the lines originally read(written here with no concern for line breaks): The sky was dark like the terror of children left alone. not on the original as posted,Todd. It reads "the sky was like...."I'm not sure if that was better the terror was than linking back to a type of darkness. As it's a primal fear, I sort of liked it. What I didn't like was the opening part of the phrase: The sky was dark. It just seemed pedestrian to me or overused. I thought if I used the exposition of storm in the title and than just linked the terror to the sky I could get a tighter image. It's posible something was sacrificed for that condensing though. Those were my thoughts on it. I'll consider the point you raise.

salt from my heart/accidental linkage: No, this was deliberate. I was trying to play back on the idea of callused. Maybe I should include an "as" before the salt to make the link more deliberate. It could be too choppy. Again, I'll add it to the list.

Sail snapped: Great call out in my desire for sonics I've been imprecise. It would be better to say the mast snapped or as you say the sail tears or some such. This will be altered definitely in the revision. Thanks for the catch.

Strophe break after sleep: It's there to give a beat of tension for the narrative. It is to show the passage from one narrative element to another.

Question marks/ recognize vs obey/comparing incomparables: You make some good points. Obey or some variation would probably be a much better word. I'll look into it. The question marks will probably not survive the next edit (thanks). I agree that this is comparing things that are incomparable. I chose that (again whether it's effective or not is debatable) because it seemed true to the narrative and the character given that the narrator is coming to grips with things beyond what they're able to handle.

The ending lacking sense: I get what you're saying. I really do. One of my projects, is a rewriting (some would say a heretical) rewriting of the biblical gospel stories as a series of connected poems (just to try it no real agenda in it). One of the fascinating things you see in these on the sea miracle stories is that they often don't have the expected reaction.

Though, I'm only using this one story I allude to two other stories in this poem (walking on the water obvious) and in the ending line I blend the terror they felt when they considered who was in the boat with them and the miracle of the great catch of fish. One interesting part to that one is that the speaker peter sees the fish filling the net and falls to his knees asking his lord to depart because he was a sinful man. There is an ongoing theme in stories like this or recognizing the sacred and holy and withdrawing from it as if burned. So, that's what I was going for at least.

Again, thanks for walking through the piece and commenting where you did. I will definitely make some changes based on your feedback. Much Appreciated.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

I know, I meant on an earlier rougher version prior to posting. It was originally:

The sky was dark like the terror...

On the only one I've posted here it's:

The sky was like the terror...

Sorry for any confusion in my response.

[Wildcard]

Hi Todd,

As always you have done a fine job with this poem. I've actually been reading this one since last night. It was/is a great read and the revision is tighter, though I wouldn't have believed. On an aside, this has been a fine example of good critique and an honest and receptive author-- I just hope I don't screw it up :p

For once, I got the message loud and clear. I saw that you removed the carpenter allusion from the revision and I'm actually glad. I say it that way because the first time I read it I connected to it, but it actually had a negative impact on the 'surprise' factor. This way the reader may/may not know three quarters of the way through. jmo

Anyway, . . .

The sky was like the terror of children --[Image: http://rantcentral.hostoi.com/images/smilies/wub.png] I'm a little slow sometimes and so I stayed on this line for way too long just soaking it in. A great way to open. An original choice of words.
left alone.
Our hands knotted --praise, praise, praise. (repeat for the next four lines :p
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch -- I hate to say it, but that is kind of tired sounding. It's been used before, that's all I'm saying . . . no offense.

of this man of words— --considering the subject, I have a personal bias that makes me immediately think 'He was much more than a man of words' If you get my drift . . . it could just be me.
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves --Okay this is a little unclear for me. Should 'longed' be 'hoped' instead?

He fixed the problem and now we want to throw ourselves into the darkness and hide within the storm?

Or

He fixed the problem when had only hoped to throw ourselves into the darkness and hide within the storm?

or something else? It hasn't made a connection for me. 'throw ourselves into the darkness' . . . do you mean that that had longed to die?

into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

I had disconnect somewhere in meaning with the last bit, but as a whole it was like one of those good movies with a little surprise midway. Thanks for sharing, Todd.

[Todd]

Hi Mark,

Thank you for the comments (and of course you didn't screw anything up). Thank you for pointing out what works for you. It was most helpful. To some of your points:

Fisherman line: I see your point let me give it some thought. I like the clarity it brings, but yes I've seen this type of construction before and I should be able to get there in a better way, or simply cut those lines. I'll give it some thought.

Man of words: I get your drift and soon I think 8 chapters of narrative the narrator will declare his identity more forcefully, and then deny him...the question is before this moment does the narrator know yet.

Longed/hoped: I was going for longing (desire). Hoped could work though.

Last lines: it could be that I'm asking the lines to do to much...in these types of stories the holy inspires terror and it isn't that they want to die but they want to hide--similar to the Garden of Eden reaction.

I've probably spelled out too much and ruined the initial impressions, but I wanted to give you an answer.

Thanks again.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

hey todd.

liked what I saw in the revision. really quickly

Revised

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch ...I like the past perfect; still feel a bit hesitant about the present tense in the line above--it took me out of the moment. I would like a past simple, but I may be expressing my own wishes too much. something like "Fishermen, who casted nets"

of this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split. ..great
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation....really found this bit interesting

At a word, ...perhaps a bit too picky, but "word" has already made an appearance, and not all that far off (2 stanzas above). if it has to be maintained, it is certainly understandable, but I think there are a number of refreshing ways to convey this concept, unless you really want to focus on the religious nature of it
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still ...I wanted a more refreshing image than "smooth path"

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit. ...great line; I think the flow has improved overall
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

really coming together well I think, although it had a strong base to start from

[Todd]

Hi again Geoff,

Thanks for coming back. It's these small tweaks that I think give a piece a chance to go somewhere.

I have a fix in mind for the fishermen (which I'll do shortly).

Smooth path admittingly could be better. I agree with you. It feels placeholderish.

I'll give the repetition of word some thought.

Thanks again.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

I put a new revision up. Hopefully, it's a step forward.

[Philatone]

He spoke
and starlight pierced the clouds ...wow, caught me off-guard, but in a good way I think. the older versions just did not lead me here. for some reason, I always imagined this scene during the day, so to put it at night really opens up everything
in a thousand knife thrusts--...sometimes, being direct with adjectives is the best way to go (instead of using "of"); that being said, I feel as though this image is almost too jarring for the piece. while I like the cadence, and the idea (putting the adjective "knife" right before "thrusts" really captures the motion), it seemed to break from the tone of the rest of the piece for me with its quick, sharp violence. It felt like a line belonging to another poem for me. again, this is for you to give or take--I think the way you express the idea is original, and I really like the line, just didn't think it was the place. on a sidenote; I think a word with two syllables will give you a better cadence with the line, rather than two quick one-syllable words
The waves receding...considered dropping the article "the", or at least using lowercase for the line
like a whisper. So still...I like the first "so still" because it leads up well to that stepping onto water; the second one I could have done without

more suggestions for the table; take what you will! this was the only part I really had anything nitpicky to raise

[Todd]

Geoff,

The hard part about this was finding a way to deal with the calm sea without resorting to the cliched glass, crystal, or mirrored surface...good catch on the "the" before waves. I'll give some thought to the knife part and the other so still.

Thanks

[Philatone]

understood that going into it; I find water metaphors can be really tricky because so much has already been said, for the same reasons you already described. I don't mean to harp--as stated, I already found the piece strong. just some things that struck out to me if you wanted to keep going

[tectak]

Changes Rev.2

Addressed the fishermen line: Mark, Philatone
Dealt with one of the word repetitions: Philatone
Dealt with the smooth path line: Philatone
Dropped "the" before waves: Philatone

[b]Revision 2

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.

We fishermen, caught
by this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke
and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand knife thrusts--
waves receding
like a whisper. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

~~~

Changes:

There were some broader ideas that I need to continue thinking about. There were though some areas that I could address immediately.

L3: Decided to cut “were”

L7: Opened the line with “as” (inspired by tectak)

S2: Decided to sacrifice the carpenter reference to help pacing and adopt some suggested sonic shifts. Also went with less lines to increase the pacing by eliminating some line break pauses (Philatone) Made some changes to the sail part (tectak)

Removed train-of thought (Philatone)

Removed the question marks and tried to smooth out the phrasing (consensus)



Revised

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch

of this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

~~~

Original

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands were knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch

of this man of words
who brought us here.
This man at home with wood,
who slept while it buckled,
as the mast splintered,
the sail snapped,
as our pleas turned
to wails, he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation,
losing his train-of-thought.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
To command the wind
What is a leper? Or a blind man?
Or the raising of the dead? Compared
to a sea that recognizes a voice.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

Fine edit and nice piece though I am perplexed by the inertia in your nonsensical comparison of a leper (diseased), a blind man(afflicted) and the sentient sea
(MIracle). The comparison "what is xxxxx compared to a sea" does not stand scrutiny unless they are of the same technical group. As I believe I mentioned before it reads what is a pound compared to an inch. Well, they are just not categorically comparable unless you consider that a leper and a blind man are Miracles
Nonetheless, a solid job.
Best.
Tectal

[Todd]

Thanks tectak,

Actually the miracle lines probablyly won't survive the next revision. There are three areas I'm working on. Hopefully, I'll have something today or tommorow to put up.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Massive revision

[Philatone]

I hope you don't mind my constant peeks at this; i'm really interested in its development. some quick notes

Changes Rev 3

Title change
Massive changes (too many to mention): Philatone, tectak, and an offsite friend gave extensive feedback.

Revision 3

The sky—like the terror of children
left alone—pressed down. ...really enjoyed this entrance
Our hands knotted
with the ropes, abraded...think the addition of "abraded" strengthens these lines and the image of the hands
into palsied claws callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen caught
by this man of words,
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split. ...I wanted this to be a complete sentence, rather than a fragment (personal taste).

Our throats raw from keening
prayers too inarticulate, too feral,
as he slept...a new word for "slept" would have been nice, unless you are truly emphasizing the repetition; I'm actually not even sure if you need it. You could instead go right to the "woke; something like:

prayers too inarticulate, too feral
as he woke to the spray...

but it's only a suggestion

and woke to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke, and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand quick thrusts. ...I'll take "quick" over "knife" any day here; less violent, but still maintains that image I think
The waves receded
like a whisper.
The moment coiled upon itself: a tense serpent
uncertain what to do next. ...I think this line could be strengthened. Maybe dropping the "next," though perhaps something more...

He that spoke light
had returned light to us,....brilliant (no pun intended)
and we longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness
to hide within the storm.

So still only the echo remained
and we could not bear it.

...I think the poem could end with "storm" to be honest, but I'm sensing you may not want to lose this "so still" image. To keep it, maybe removing the period after "storm", inserting a comma there instead, and switching the "the" before "storm" to "a":

into the darkness
to hide within a storm

so still, only the echo remained

I think ending on "remained" could be strong as well. gives the poem a meta touch, what with that being the last sound heard literally. If so, I would probably combine it with the stanza above it

I hope this helps; leaving the piece as is would certainly not be a mistake, but I think it's close to its full potential

[tectak]

Changes Rev 3

Title change
Massive changes (too many to mention): Philatone, tectak, and an offsite friend gave extensive feedback.

[b]Revision 3

The sky—like the terror of children
left alone—pressed down.the fundamental error is still here, todd. I can see it,why can't you. Thd idea is too good to spoil or to usurp. The terror of children left alone cannot press down. Over to you
Our hands knotted
with the ropes, abraded
into palsied claws callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart. again,same point. What is callused salt?
Fishermen caught
by this man of words,
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.not a sentence! Fishermen WERE caught....


Our throats raw from keening
prayers too inarticulate, too feral,
as he slept"our throats made raw" or "our throats were raw"

and woke to the spray"then woke" not "and". It is not easy to sleep AND wake at the same time.
of our accusations, groggyafter groggy you cannot fail to pause. How long do you want? A comma is a 1 count, a semi-colon 2, a colon 3 and a full stop 4. The length of the "count" is dermined by the tempo of the piece. Sorry about the egg sucking but I don't know where I am with you as you give no consistent clues of your understanding. Forgive me.
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke, and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand quick thrusts.Is a cliché a cliché if one has to ask if it is a cliché?
The waves receded
like a whisper.
The moment coiled upon itself: a tense serpent
uncertain what to do next.

He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness
to hide within the storm.
Still don't get this so it must be me
So still only the echo remainedPUNCTUATE after "still" or I shall take cyanide!
and we could not bear it.Unrelated "it". What couldn't you bare? The "still", the "echo" or both? Very poor ending, todd. You are MUCH better than this.
The ending appears to be a frustration. We could not bear "it", so what happened next?
~~~
I think you went mad overnight! This is truly worth the effor of workshopping and that is what this site is for. The nearer you get to the speed of light the harder it gets to reach it.
Best,
Tectak "buzz" lightyear

Changes Rev.2

Addressed the fishermen line: Mark, Philatone
Dealt with one of the word repetitions: Philatone
Dealt with the smooth path line: Philatone
Dropped "the" before waves: Philatone

Revision 2

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.

We fishermen, caught
by this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

He spoke
and starlight pierced the clouds
in a thousand knife thrusts--
waves receding
like a whisper. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

~~~

Changes:

There were some broader ideas that I need to continue thinking about. There were though some areas that I could address immediately.

L3: Decided to cut “were”

L7: Opened the line with “as” (inspired by tectak)

S2: Decided to sacrifice the carpenter reference to help pacing and adopt some suggested sonic shifts. Also went with less lines to increase the pacing by eliminating some line break pauses (Philatone) Made some changes to the sail part (tectak)

Removed train-of thought (Philatone)

Removed the question marks and tried to smooth out the phrasing (consensus)



Revised

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
as the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch

of this man of words—
who slept as the mast splintered,
and sail split.
As our pleas turned to wails,
he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
What is a leper, or a blind man,
or the raising of the dead compared
to a voice that can make
the sea submit.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.

~~~

Original

The sky was like the terror of children
left alone.
Our hands were knotted
into the ropes--palsied claws
callused as the words
on my tongue,
the salt from my heart.
Fishermen, who cast the nets
had become the catch

of this man of words
who brought us here.
This man at home with wood,
who slept while it buckled,
as the mast splintered,
the sail snapped,
as our pleas turned
to wails, he slept

to wake to the spray
of our accusations, groggy
as if pulled from a conversation,
losing his train-of-thought.

At a word,
the tempest became
a smooth path. So still

I almost stepped from the boat.

So still

only the echo remained,
and we could not bear it.
To command the wind
What is a leper? Or a blind man?
Or the raising of the dead? Compared
to a sea that recognizes a voice.
He that spoke light
had returned light to us,
and we only longed to throw ourselves
into the darkness,
to hide within the storm.