Once In a While Meltdown

[Wildcard]

Into the bedroom
and out of her mind,
she left the bunny mortified
but stoic (as if it mattered.)

A paranoid predator
stalking her, pray
as she might.

Behind solid oak
and dull brass hinges,
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant percussion.

She is back against the door
weeping for mother
and me.

Rev 2

It was an unclear offense,
as if that mattered right now
to the mortified little bunny
watching a nervous predator
lose her mind down the hallway,
into the distant bedroom.
Behind the dark oak
and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs.

My back against the door,
I weep for mother
and me.

Rev. 1:

unclear offense
as if it mattered now
the mortified little bunny watched
a nervous predator
lose her mind into the bedroom
behind the dark oak
and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melted
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
my back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

Original:

unclear offense
as if it mattered
a nervous predator
mortifies a stoic little bunny
then loses her mind into the bedroom
behind the oak
and dull brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

[Leanne]

Great opening lines, irrational and rather familiar Your grammar is unclear L3-5: is it the predator who loses her mind, or the bunny?

I'll come back and look more closely when I've a bit of time.

[Wildcard]

The bunny is stoic so it stays still I think I just saw a better way to word that. I'll keep it in mind when I revise. Thanks.

[Philatone]

yo mark
wanted to share what thoughts I had

unclear offense
as if it mattered
a nervous predator
mortifies a stoic little bunny ..just wanted to be sure that "mortifies" was the word you wanted here
then loses her mind into the bedroom..same thing with "into". seemed like a peculiar choice for me
behind the oak...great use of "oak" here
and dull brass hinges..just a suggestion here, but i think changing "dull" to "dulled" would add energy, history, and character. fine as is too!
a tiny plea melts ...played with moving "melts" to the next line. great word to use
to a wracking soundtrack..."wracking" interested me...not sure how I feel about it
of ignorant throbs..why ignorant?
back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

sorry about all my nits on word choice! entirely possible I'm missing something huge and everything makes perfect sense with a few more reads. like the momentum of the last three lines. may come back later to add some more. thanks mark!

[Wildcard]

Hi Geoff. Thanks for taking time to read and give some feedback. Don't apologize for your nits, they give me something to think about. I tried to hit all the points you mentioned.

mortifies as in embarrasses
in L5 if you replace 'loses her mind' with 'ran' that is the context that I am striving for (I'm not sure that makes sense )
I'll consider 'dulled' I think you may be right.
Ignorant in more than one sense. The mother, the 'me', the throbs(like pulses in music/pulses in mood/pulses in humans) are ignorant because they are incapable, innocent and inanimate, respectively.

Thanks again.

[grannyjill]

Sounds to me like some poor little girl got a telling off, and decided to go in a huff to her room (or was sent?)
How could you be so cruel?

[billy]

unclear offense
as if it mattered
a nervous predator
mortifies a stoic little bunny
then loses her mind into the bedroom
behind the oak
and dull brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

good 1st three lines. then i got a bit waylaid as to who was what etc.
then from L6 it gets back into gear.
love the ignorant throbs, i suffered those on many occasions from my two when they were young the absence of grammar is working well.

i agree with granny jill, you heartless man

[addy]

Interesting piece. I'd have to agree with the others that some of the grammar needs brushing up, just to make it clearer (it took a couple of re-reads to decipher L3-5)... I can't quite put my finger on it, but for some reason the lines before L6 reads as oddly static, and a little perfunctory. Maybe if you changed the tense ("mortifies" to "mortified", etc...), only because many children's stories are written in the simple past, "-ed" tense. Just a thought, though. Also, maybe change "stoic", as stoic by definition contradicts the bunny being mortified.

[Wildcard]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I did a little rewrite.

[tectak]

unclear offense Unclear opener with not enough continuance to get help from context.
as if it mattered now it matters now and will matter more and more. Could you insert a little line of clarification?
the mortified little bunny watched and thisisn't it
a nervous predator
lose her mind into the bedroom Ok I am now lost, too. Go to end
behind the dark oak
and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melted
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
my back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

I will never say that there is no merit in esoteric verse. It appeals immensely to many of a similar persuasion...BUT...and I am more than happy to be alone on this, it can too easily become a repository for over simplistic thought transfer. It is as though the writer is so confident in his/her muse that it is the reader's inabilty to "latch on" which makes criticism seem mean spirited. I got a bit of a come uppance from billy for suggesting that some verse should be subject to a re-write....this is, of course, implying that it deserves a second chance. As a critic and a writer I bin more than I bother others with.....you will never know the extent of my Waste!
I am therefore in a good and bad place with this one. If I had written it I would probably have re-written it......that is to say,I would give it a second chance.
Specifically and generally....I meant that....try some punctuation. It is not a disease to be eradicated.
Best,
Tectak

Original:

unclear offense
as if it mattered
a nervous predator
mortifies a stoic little bunny
then loses her mind into the bedroom
behind the oak
and dull brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

---

unclear offense Unclear opener with not enough continuance to get help from context.
as if it mattered now it matters now and will matter more and more. Could you insert a little line of clarification?
the mortified little bunny watched and thisisn't it
a nervous predator

PHP Code:

lose her mind into the bedroom 


Ok I am now lost, too. Go to end
behind the dark oak

PHP Code:

and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melted
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
my back against the door
weeping for mother
and me 


I will never say that there is no merit in esoteric verse. It appeals immensely to many of a similar persuasion...BUT...and I am more than happy to be alone on this, it can too easily become a repository for over simplistic thought transfer. It is as though the writer is so confident in his/her muse that it is the reader's inabilty to "latch on" which makes criticism seem mean spirited. I got a bit of a come uppance from billy for suggesting that some verse should be subject to a re-write....this is, of course, implying that it deserves a second chance. As a critic and a writer I bin more than I bother others with.....you will never know the extent of my Waste!
I am therefore in a good and bad place with this one. If I had written it I would probably have re-written it......that is to say,I would give it a second chance.
Specifically and generally....I meant that....try some punctuation. It is not a disease to be eradicated.
Best,
Tectak

Original:

unclear offense
as if it mattered
a nervous predator
mortifies a stoic little bunny
then loses her mind into the bedroom
behind the oak
and dull brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

[Wildcard]

Thanks for your time.

I wasn't purposely trying to be esoteric- I will look at it to see where I can make changes.

[tectak]

Thanks for your time.

I wasn't purposely trying to be esoteric- I will look at it to see where I can make changes.

Please don't change what you write because I cannot understand your drift. It is not changes that are needed to help me.......it is additional information. I am only critical, ever, on my own platform. Please tell me toget a brain transplant if you believe what you write is clear.....it may be me
Best,
tectak

[Wildcard]

Please don't change what you write because I cannot understand your drift. It is not changes that are needed to help me.......it is additional information. I am only critical, ever, on my own platform. Please tell me toget a brain transplant if you believe what you write is clear.....it may be me
Best,
tectak

You're not the first to tell me that isn't clear to them. I have a revision that's been in progress (or sometimes no progress at all) for quite a while. I need all the help I can get.

[Erthona]

That's because it isn't clear

Tense problems. Need to stay in the past tense. Why no punctuation? How does it make the poem better to not have it?

Unclear offense:
as if it mattered now...
The mortified little bunny watched
as a nervous predator
lost her mind in the bedroom.*
Behind the dark oak door,
and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melted
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs:
my back against the door,
weeping for mother
and me.

*Really no way to make that work the way you are saying it is. "Lose her mind" does not equal "ran". You can run into the bedroom, but you cannot "lose your mind into the bedroom". You can "lose your mind and run into the bedroom". You can, run into the bedroom and lose your mind".
I don't think anyone will ever make sense out of "losing your mind into the bedroom" Does it make sense if I say, "she flew her lollipop into red." The action of losing ones mind is not a physical action, it does not move anything from one place to another in a physical way. You can even say things like, "My thoughts run amok". But you can't say "My thoughts run amok down the street to the 7-11 store to buy a coke." You are asking something that has no physicality to do something that only something with physicality can do. You can say your anger did many things, but you can't say your anger went to the bank, pulled out a gun and shot the teller. That will make no sense to the reader. Out side of personification, which this does not cover, the only way to give things attributes they do not have is to create a world in which that is possible. I think it is in "Skinny Legs and All" Tom Robbins shows the action through the "eyes" of spoon, a can of pork-n-beans, a dirty sock, but he creates a reality where that is acceptable.

Next, I want to know why it is necessary to keep the reader in the dark about who does what? There seem to be characters here. The bunny? The mother, and you. Who does the following apply to?

"Behind the dark oak door,
and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melted
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs:"

As far as I know it could be any of the three, especially as there is no punctuation to indicate where one thing starts and another stops. By the end I think it refers to you, but I am still unsure. Is there some valid reason to obscure who is doing what? Why not,

"I stand behind a dark oak door,
with dulled brass hinges.
A tiny plea escapes and melts
into a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs:"

Does this somehow devalue the quality of what you are trying to convey?

Please, and I mean this seriously, to Mark or anyone else, give me a valid rationale for not using punctuation as a way of writing. I don't mean in one instance, but doing so in everything you write. How does what you write benefit? How does it make the poetry better?

And Mark, I am not saying you are being purposefully unclear, but when you leave off punctuation and grammar that is still the effect.

I think this has the core of a good poem, and clarity will enhance it.

Dale

[billy]

no red writing see;

can we remember this isn't the serious critique forum, it's the mild critique forum....not that mark would mind i know, but we do get an odd newb in here that wouldn't understand such full critique, thanks guys/billy

---

erthona;
i'm struggling to understand why i can't lose my mind in the bedroom, i've lost my mind in pubs and places god would never speak of. is't it a given that she's gone crazy in the bedroom. i do realise i'm on a sticky wicket here

---

unclear offense i'm wondering in an an would help us keep on?
as if it mattered now
the mortified little bunny watched for me watched could do better on the next line.
a nervous predator
lose her mind into the bedroom
behind the dark oak
and dulled brass hinges
a tiny plea melted
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
my back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

Original:

unclear offense
as if it mattered
a nervous predator
mortifies a stoic little bunny
then loses her mind into the bedroom
behind the oak
and dull brass hinges
a tiny plea melts
to a wracking soundtrack
of ignorant throbs
back against the door
weeping for mother
and me

i think the edit improves the piece and thats what an edit's for.
after spending more time on the poem and edit, i have to say it feel like it's lacking something. i suppose feeling or melodrama are two words i can use as an example. the impression i get is of child whose probably been sent to bed. if so i'd like a bit more depth.
always good to see editing (something i'll be doing more of when i get home)

[Wildcard]

Erthona,
Thanks for taking time to read and give your thoughts.

I'll agree that 'lose her mind into the bedroom' is a very odd phrase but I still feel good about using it. If I said I was 'crying down the road' it would be improper English maybe, but it would tell a lot about the trip I took. This is my intention here. You make a good point that readers may not understand the line so I will continue to look at it.

Billy,
I get the same advice a lot: more, more, more. I just have a hard time finding anything to add that doesn't destroy the feeling that I originally had. Nevertheless I will keep trying. Thanks for your time, Billy.

[Erthona]

"i'm struggling to understand why i can't lose my mind in the bedroom,"

It wasn't "in the bedroom", it was "into the bedroom". According to Mark, the use of the into is to imply that she "ran".

"in L5 if you replace 'loses her mind' with 'ran' that is the context that I am striving for"

So once again: "She ran into the bedroom" is in no way equivalent to "She loses her mind into the bedroom".

You could say "'I was crying down the road'" as there is the implication of "I'm crying as I am walking down the road" thus it is an appropriate extension of a sensible phrase, you are merely using shorthand. So even though you leave out part of the sentence, the meaning is still communicated to the reader. An equivalent phrase to that would be
"She lost her mind in the bedroom". Although part of the sentence is missing, the reader will still understand that you did not mean this literally, e.g. her head popped open and her brain fell out while she was in the bedroom and now she cannot find it. They will know you are talking figuratively.

In your original phrase, "she loses her mind into the bedroom" , would not work regardless of the words. One cannot lose something into something else. In figuratively such as "She lost herself in his eyes" not "She lost herself into his eyes".

BTW it would be lost because you are writing in past tense. There is no usage common or uncommon that uses into in terms of non-movement. "Into" indicates movement from one place to another. You could even say, "She went from sanity into madness in the blink of an eye."
Even when we lose something because it fell into something else we still do not say it that way, "into" only comes into play with the explanation. I lost my money, when it fell into the pond. One would never write, "I lost my money into the pond" because we are talking about "lose", and lose speaks to a lessening, not a movement. Does "I gain into the bedroom" make any sense to you?

"that doesn't destroy the feeling that I originally had."

If you can't clearly verbalize the "feeling" then you haven't got it yet. I have had many experiences that I could not verbalize at the time because I lack the experience and the skill with the language. It was very frustrating.

Trust me, I use to do this all the time. I thought I was losing something significant by rephrasing it correctly, and to some extent that was true because I lacked the ability to put what I wanted to say in words that were understandable. Usually I found that I was trying to say more than one thing, in just the space of a single phrase. I've been there. I know, and this won't work. Believe me, I am all for brevity in poetry, but you have cut way to much out. Why don't you try allowing yourself two sentences to say what you are meaning to say in that one phrase.

Dale

[Wildcard]

You make very valid points- so much so that I have begun to feel my resolve weaken. However, let me make one more attempt to explain myself:

"When the squirrel heard a noise, it panicked into the underbrush."

I'm using 'lose her mind' as a descriptor for the way she exited the room. Can you give me an example of how you would reword that part?

[tectak]

You make very valid points- so much so that I have begun to feel my resolve weaken. However, let me make one more attempt to explain myself:

"When the squirrel heard a noise, it panicked into the underbrush."

I'm using 'lose her mind' as a descriptor for the way she exited the room. Can you give me an example of how you would reword that part?

This whole exchange is becoming semantic soup. This the result of licence in endeavour.
I write:
Child in arms not slinking waif
Nor embers leaving childhood glow.
She scales into the evening rush
to climb onto the lap and sense the
paternity in corduroy and solvent stains.
Wracked upon the taughtened rope
Within her dollies and her thin nylon
hair, he trips and hooks on brass
battered bindings. You are a mouse,
she cries. No, but I am a small horse.

Now all the above is bollocks. I know because I wrote it. I can write this kind of stuff forever. Some may say I do! But the point is, there IS NO point in obscure verse, except to those who covet it and assign purpose to it; criticise it but at your peril. Because something appears to be nonsense only makes the judgement of it more prone to misconstruance, and that is the extent of the risk that the writer makes. The risk to the critic is much greater because whilst great poetry is constructed according to universally accepted ( or at the very least, recognised) rules, to judge outside the guidelines can lead to the king's new clothes scenario.
What am I babbling on about? Just this. If anyone writes anything which someone does not understand then what is written has failed by some criterion.Live with it or change it. The critic, well intentioned, may say " I fail to grasp the meaning in stanza 2"..........this may well be a statement!
Best,
Tectak

---

The bunny is stoic so it stays still I think I just saw a better way to word that. I'll keep it in mind when I revise. Thanks.

Oh, and just in passing, staying bunnies can be blind or brave!

[Wildcard]

. . . there IS NO point in obscure verse, except to those who covet it and assign purpose to it

Again, that isn't my intention at all.

If I want to write a story, I will use the method that I accustomed to reading. Poetry isn't that different- I'm writing what I've read filtered through my warped personality and tempered by the forms I understand the most.

I have done a revision.