The Love Song of Burke and Wills

[rayheinrich]

Nicely 'metaphored' poem.

Especially liked:

     God said
     I am in your head
     cut it off
     cut it out
     come to me

I love the idea that believing in a god(s) requires not only delirium,
but the lack of a brain as well. Well, ok, that interpretation is a bit out of context for the poem; but as a reader, I cling to my 'write'to read extraneously.

P.S. What's with all this willful ignorance??
I stuck "Burke and Wills" into Goggle and it took 5 seconds to pop
the "Burke and Wills expedition" article up on my screen and another
whole damn minute to at least read the first paragraph!

People that take more time to declare their ignorance than to remedy it
are the same ones that should be taking long hikes in the desert!
(Same goes for people who type things like: "Duh, I don't know that word.)

P.P.S. Billy: Impolite messages in red about being off topic, especially
when part of the post is on topic, are disruptive and unnecessary.
Creative discussions almost always contain asides. Not only do they
humanize a discussion, they are often inserted by our subconscious
as clues to what the damn thing that's being discussed is really about.

P.P.P.S. Sorry, gotta go, I'm late for bitching about a new lawn ordnance
that the clowns at the Baytown City Council are trying to lay on us lawn abiding citizens.

[billy]

if you hadn't noticed, this is the critique forum, you want discussions go to the discussion forums/please don't start another discussion by calling mod calls, this isn't the place for it, use the sewer, discussion, or pig's arse forums. /admin

[Leanne]

underfoot, the desert whispered
now I stir, now I strike --I appreciate the repetition here, but wonder if it would be better as 'I stir and I strike'
like yesterday

I think it needs "now" -- time is quite important in this, or maybe that's just in my head But I will consider putting "and" instead of the comma, because I think the less punctuation the better. You know how I love that punctuation stuff... well, removing it sometimes makes another statement entirely.

gone past --like the beginning of the end. Does this slow it down enough? Does it need an ellipsis?

Same thing about punctuation... and I only use ellipses (usually incorrectly and too much) when I'm writing comments/messages :p. I want the breaks to call the pace. I might think about an extra bit of white space there though.

--loved this line. You make rigor mortis sound elegant.

You mean it's not normally elegant?

Around the sixth stanza I got lost but caught back up (I think) at seven. When I read it aloud the last stanza is superb. You make-a me jealous!

Don't go getting lost now, it's a desert out there.

Thanks Mark, much appreciated.

---

Nicely 'metaphored' poem.

Especially liked:

     God said
     I am in your head
     cut it off
     cut it out
     come to me

I love the idea that believing in a god(s) requires not only delirium,
but the lack of a brain as well. Well, ok, that interpretation is a bit out of context for the poem; but as a reader, I cling to my 'write'to read extraneously.

Shh, who would suggest such a thing?! Blind faith is a little bit like setting off into the desert without any proper preparation and expecting to make it the whole way across a continent...

Many thanks for stopping by, Ray.