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Your eyes uncover flaws I cannot see
and draw from them the tears of yesterday,
reminding me of summers yet to be
and moonbeams on the greens where maybes play.
Your tongue leaves bruises on my barren skin
which shadowed build an image, filagreed,
of star-born armour coloured by the sin
that fills the charcoal outline of my need.
Your smile leaves splintered mirrors in my mind,
each different truth refracted and remade;
the silver of my future redefined,
my imperfections brazenly displayed.
With chains of sunlight on my naked feet,
I stand before you broken and complete.
It could be worse
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Very nice/powerful last line Leanne.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Love the playful language in this. Splintered mirrors is exactly right; it builds up nicely, like a luminant kaleidoscope.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Thanks folks 
It could be worse
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Damn, you really got those 'fragmented light/shadow' metaphors mapping
one-to-one onto the 'love/self/you' thing! (And hey, why not throw in
'time' just for the craic.) Coming up with them individually, while
kind of cool, ain't really that hard. What's plusplusamazing is how
you fit all those monkeys in one bag. And they're not just jammed in:
you got them all shaking hands and scratching asses at the same time.
It's like some four-dimensional puzzle that doesn't need to be figured
out to be beautiful. Wow, dude, supercool!
P.S. I was about to correct your spelling of 'filagreed' to 'filigreed',
but, being fully aware of your prowess in these matters, I decided to
cover my ass by googling it first:
'filagreed' gets 'About 2,930,000 hits'.
'filigreed' gets 'About 1,250,000 hits'
So, hey, glad I didn't.
P.P.S. Extraneous Greek god reference #42:
My wife's friend at work named her raven 'Hermes'.
(Coming up next: Mnemosyne the elephant.)
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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01-11-2012, 05:31 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-11-2012, 05:32 PM by Leanne.)
 Oh, how you do go on, sir.
This has been through the editing mill, I assure you. While I may be undisputed queen of the sonnet form (shh, I can delude myself if I want to!), using them for their more common romantic subjects is something I tend to avoid lest they end up sounding cheesy and forced. Very occasionally, however, the inspiration coincides with the opportunity to sit and write.
PPPS. Hermes is an excellent name for a raven. I would consider it a less fortunate name for a snake, considering their close relationship with handbags.
It could be worse
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I would vote for you. You seem to avoid those weird syntactical turns that plague most sonnets. Iambic pentameter does not lend itself easily to natural speech.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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.
Erthona: "Iambic pentameter does not lend itself easily to natural speech."
It may not be ideal, I can attest,
but when you're talkin' English it's the best.
Iambic five ain't that big of a deal,
just think in 3's and 2's you'll get the feel.
But if it digs too deep into your brain,
the rhyming couples make you go insane.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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no constructive crit here. loved the last two lines which were excellent.
some good stuff going on. rhyme scheme as usual for you were spot on.
the bruising tongue didn't work really well for me as an image, but that's just a nit.
it read like a good well rounded sonnet.
thanks for the read.
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