Muted

[Aish]

I can't.

Keep my hands.

Off the wound.

Pick
pick
pickpickpickpickpick

jigsawed and vexed.

I can't
forget
the babyness of your face
the sparkle of mischief
and the sweetness of being near
your death.

No, that's wrong.
It was life in the springtime

before you crawled into the soft center
of nothingness where I couldn't follow
and

amputated the silkworm umbilicus.

Precision, for once.

Hushed

as I admire the brutal
artistry
of your synaptic pyrotechnics.

Unable to congratulate you,
I am a white banded mockingbird
undermining the doctrine of transmutation.

[Wildcard]

This is a jewel, Aish. I am very fond of every word here, but I think me and Google need to talk about 'transmutation' before I reply further.

Thanks for sharing and I'll definitely be back.

[Leanne]

I've read this through several times and picked up more as I go, which you know I like To get the reading I was happiest with, I had to start at the end, because you've got yet another alchemical reference and I'm not entirely sure I get why you use the "white banded mockingbird", but here's what I thought:

I can't decide whether the entire thing is about a physical death or the death of a part of the speaker, youth and innocence. Alternatively, the death of a relationship. If it's a physical death, though, I keep thinking it's of a young lover but it could just as easily be a child, a miscarriage -- but then "synaptic pyrotechnics" throws me, because that implies a connection of minds and their fascination. Now, to me transmutation in conjunction with the white part suggests defeat of disease as well as the ability to shed the physical body (because I'm thinking white powder gold) -- but the mockingbird is a mimic, which indicates to me that no matter how much this process is desired, it is all illusion.

I'm just musing really, don't give anything away, I just wanted to let you know it was making me think and I'll keep thinking some more.

[Philatone]

hello aish. I haven't reached many conclusions, but wanted to share at least my thought process so far.

I can't. ..think it's a strong opening. debating how much you need the periods for these first three lines at the moment; the spacing might give you enough of a break on its own

Keep my hands.

Off the wound.

Pick
pick
pickpickpickpickpick ..very visual; sound and repetition really capture the sense and furiosity

jigsawed and vexed....this is another case where you have multiple tools reiterating similar points; not sure if you need both of these words. I especially like "jigsawed." I do like the cadence of the line and understand if you prefer both.

I can't forget
the babyness of your face
the sparkle of mischief
and the sweetness of being near ...really strong last two lines
your death.

..thought about playing with the spacing here to imitate your introduction. something along the lines of:

I can't

forget
the babyness of your face
the sparkle of mischief
and the sweetness of being near
your death.

No, that's wrong. .."that" is vague; the death? the babyness? leaning towards the former
It was life in the springtime

before you crawled into the soft center ..this "before" really interests me in setting up the time..
of nothingness where I couldn't follow .."nothingness" isn't my favorite word you've used in the piece
and

amputated the silkworm umbilicus. ..i'm taking "silkworm" as more describing shape

Precision, for once. ..not sure how I feel about this line yet. I may need more readings, but now it doesn't seem to be giving me a whole lot besides a remark.

Hushed ...really liked this

as I admire the brutal
artistry
of your synaptic pyrotechnics. ..clever phrasing

Unable to congratulate you,
I am a white banded mockingbird
undermining the doctrine of transmutation. ...linking "mockingbird" and transmutation is wonderful! it can lead to so many possibilities. making the mockingbird white is also interesting. it adds a religious flavor in some contexts, what with symbols for the Holy Spirit and such (not to mention transubstantiation).

the religious nature of the close I probed at I think draws away from your intention. the wound from the beginning seems to me to be these memories you cannot release. the poem is filled with subtle contradictions- "babyness", "sweetness", and "death"; "mockingbirds," which deceive; "transmutation" even the speaker bouncing between time. I admit I still need more time with the close; just wanted to share what I had until now

[Aish]

Mark, thank you for the preliminary kindness.

Leanne, I look forward to any other thoughts elicited from this piece.

Philatone, I took your suggestion with the spacing in S6 and am pleased with the outcome. The somewhat unwieldy periods in the first 3 lines are an attempt to relay the idea of fully stopping, perhaps even biting ones tongue between words. I am not sure how to eliminate the vagueness in S7 - it is meant as an expressed thought process, where the person is literally talking about the sweetness of being near that death, then shaking their head and correcting themselves. I look forward to any other thoughts you have.

For now I will keep the remainder to myself. Thanks again, to each of you.

[Philatone]

hey! I think I reached the right conclusions, but there did seem to be that sliver of another possibility. I don't think it's enough to really worry about, just wanted to share my experience.
that's really all I have. it's a personable, touching poem to read. your writing goes about subjects in such a different way than my own, it really is refreshing to be able to read your work; unfortunately, I think it compromises what I can offer

[Wildcard]

This is a jewel, Aish. I am very fond of every word here, but I think me and Google need to talk about 'transmutation' before I reply further.

Thanks for sharing and I'll definitely be back.

I'm back, but I still don't fully understand. I think it's something intangible that you are getting at, but I just can't seem to find it. I guess I'll just keep coming back to this until I find a way.

I can say that I keep coming back for a reason. It's not just because I want to give crit either. Something in this poem makes me want to get the meaning out of it and that is definitely a good thing. So like Arnie said, "I'll be back"