Slowly Insane

[Erthona]

Although never told—but what has become pain-
fully apparent in these later stages of days—
I find that unexpectedly, and wholly against my will,
I am running from where I am, towards the end of my line.
...I realize that I am quickly
approaching that demarcation of what can be known,
and that which a human can only afterwards find:
becoming aware —even as awareness fades—
that with each step, my already feeble eyes dim more,
but then again, no more quickly than my mind.

©2011 ~Erthona
--------------------------------------------------
(first version)
Although never told—but what has become pain-
fully apparent in these later stages of days—
I find that unexpectedly, and wholly against my will,
I am running from where I am, towards the end of my line.
All of a sudden I realize that I am quickly
approaching that demarcation of what can be known,
and that which a human can only afterwards find:
becoming aware —even as awareness fades—
that with each step, my already feeble eyes dim more,
but then again, no more quickly than my mind.

©2011 ~Erthona

[grannyjill]

Stealing a suggestion from a critique Todd did of one of my poems....could you consider losing
'All of a sudden'?

I am running from where I am, towards the end of my line
I realise that I am quickly
approaching that demarcation of what can be known
(to me - the short line seems to indicate something happening abruptly... or am I being fanciful? and the 'unexpectedly' from a few lines above seems to show it is 'all of a sudden'

I'm pondering on whether 'feeble eye dims' would work better than 'feeble eyes dim' giving an extra dimension, since this speaks of a mental eye as well as a physical one....but, I suspect I am being particularly picky for no good reason!

'becoming aware - even as awareness fades -' is a very chilling phrase.

I hope this is not autobiographical!

[Erthona]

"to me - the short line seems to indicate something happening abruptly... or am I being fanciful? and the 'unexpectedly' from a few lines above seems to show it is 'all of a sudden'"

Yeah, "all of a sudden" is mainly just line filler (kind of like "to me" at the beginning of the above quote so I don't have to deal with the short line in the middle. But as you said, the short line could represent the "all of a sudden" as well as a number of other possibilities, such as death.

"I'm pondering on whether 'feeble eye dims' would work better than 'feeble eyes dim' giving an extra dimension, since this speaks of a mental eye as well as a physical one....but, I suspect I am being particularly picky for no good reason!"

I think that introduces an unnecessary level of complexity that has not been properly set up. Asking the reader to get that this is one's mental eye without obviously implying that before hand is a bit much to ask. I think it would probably cause the reader to have to stop and wonder why I switched to a single eye and is it a typo as there is nothing here to support it being other than that. Additionally, I think it does not really do much for the poem, since I am in fact talking about my physical eyes growing dim, as most eyes do with age (of course it is also winter time, and there is less light, but as I am a visual artist, I am more sensitive to that sort of thing). Even now I need more light to see better than I use to. and my farsightedness has continued in decline as I have aged. Pretty soon I will be beyond the help of Drug store reading glasses as I am already at .325+ which is as high as they go. So as far as the eyes go, it is somewhat autobiographical . In terms of mental awareness I have to fact check a lot of what I write in terms of connotative usages. Of course it may be it is just so easy to check that sort of thing that I am only nipping in the bud what would eventually be a case of poor usage...or not

"'becoming aware - even as awareness fades -' is a very chilling phrase."

Yeah, I kind of like that myself when it made its appearance. It is somewhat paradoxical and along the
same lines as "with power comes responsibility", so that you remain just as powerless as you were, but being restricted now by responsibility instead of lack of power. I remember quite clearly thinking when I was in the third grade, that when I grew up I was going to be a teacher and let the kids drink cokes every day. Of course, who was going to pay for them never came into the equation. Really, I don't know why I complained, I liked chocolate milk just as well.

Anyway, thanks for the critique and suggestions. I have taken out "all of a sudden", and left shortened line.

Dale

[Leanne]

And I thought it was rough contemplating the coming of forty! I very much like the inexorable "running from where I am, towards the end of my line" -- quite aside from the futility of trying to stop the passage of time (and the phenomena we all discover as we age, that the years become much shorter!), this reminds me of those dreams where you're running but you've no idea what from, and you know with absolute certainty that where you're running to is going to be no safer but you run on anyway. (Or maybe that's just me!)

I wonder, would you consider "I realize that I quickly/approach" as an alternative for L5/6?

I find the last three lines quite chilling. You have very aptly linked that contemplation of nothingness with blindness -- and "mind blindness" perfectly taps into that fear of forever losing consciousness. I almost wish I hadn't read this now

[Erthona]

Leanne,

"I almost wish I hadn't read this now"

Hey, but that's good. I have never been known as an author of horror, except when in person
I must be having some archetypal equivalence occurring as usually what I think of as scary, most others don't. People, it seems, are afraid of losing body parts to zombies, but not their minds to old age even though they probably have a ready example in the family. Zombies are never going to happen, old age is inevitable. Go figure.

"I wonder, would you consider "I realize that I quickly/approach" as an alternative for L5/6?"

I'd consider it as rhythmically it reads more smoothly. The problem is that it shifts the focus into a more detached point of view. Outside of it reading more smoothly, did you have another reason for suggesting it?

Thanks for the read and critique, and letting me do the chill!


Dale

[Leanne]

Not really, smooth is the driving force... though I'm not sure I agree that it shifts focus as to me it just makes it less passive.

[Erthona]

Well, I shall have to dwell on it, as I was thinking just the opposite...but then again I am dyslexic!

Dale