Job Vacancy (Poet)

[grannyjill]

Job Vacancy (Revised 14/12)

I'd love a poet to
prise open my eyes
and lead me down untrodden paths
to lance me with words
or tell me funny stories
that make coffee snort down my nose
one who is quirky, smart and unafraid
to keep me on my toes

I'd love a poet who
writes words that make me gasp
knows the rules,and
has the tools, but doesn't choose to use them
Some-one who shares
Jack Nicholson's gift for devil-may-care
with curlicue eyebrows and sticky-up hair
I like freedom in my verse


but, I'm also a lover of
syncopated rhythm and flawless rhyme
With a beat that repeats in perfect time
and for whom lines dance like
Fred Astaire
with grace and flair

Applicants please form an orderly queue
I may decide to dance with you

---------------------------------------------
I'd love a poet who
prises open my eyes,
and leads me down untrodden paths,
who lances me with words
or tells me stories that are full of laughs.
Some-one who makes coffee snort down my nose,
who is quirky, smart and unafraid.
who keeps me on my toes,

I'd love a poet who
writes words that make me gasp
knows the rules, and
has the tools, but doesn't choose to use them.
Some-one who shares
Jack Nicholson's gift for devil-may-care,
with curlicue eyebrows and sticky-up hair
I like freedom in my verse

but, I'm also a lover of
syncopated rhythm and flawless rhyme,
with a beat that repeats in perfect time
and for whom lines dance like
Fred Astaire
with grace and flair.

Applicants please form an orderly queue
I may choose to dance with you.

[Leanne]

Not asking much at all really

It's hard to argue with the desired criteria, though instead of a poet who prises open my eyes, I'd want one that shone bright enough to make eyelids completely useless.

[heslopian]

I'd love a poet who
prises open my eyes, "Prises" feels awkward. How about changing the fragment to "a poet who'll/prise open my eyes"? Of course you'll have to also change "leads" to "lead" in the next line.
and leads me down untrodden paths,
who lances me with words
or tells me stories that are full of laughs. How about just "funny stories"? The sentiment is the same and neither expression is more original than the other.
Some-one who makes coffee snort down my nose, Does "some-one" need a dash?
who is quirky, smart and unafraid. This full stop and the following comma seem like they should be switched.
who keeps me on my toes,

I'd love a poet who
writes words that make me gasp
knows the rules, and
has the tools, but doesn't choose to use them.
Some-one who shares
Jack Nicholson's gift for devil-may-care, I like the half rhyme of "shares" and "care."
with curlicue eyebrows and sticky-up hair Good description.
I like freedom in my verse

but, I'm also a lover of
syncopated rhythm and flawless rhyme,
with a beat that repeats in perfect time
and for whom lines dance like
Fred Astaire
with grace and flair. Excellent rhythm in this verse.

Applicants please form an orderly queue
I may choose to dance with you. Elegant close.

The occasional rhymes work flawlessly and overall this is a charming, whimsical poem. I think the poem could be improved quite a bit by removing all punctuation. Their usage seems arbitrary and thus serves no real purpose. Their removal, however, would help the rhythm. All JMHO, of course.
Thanks for the read, grannyjill.

[grannyjill]

Thank you, my dear....your suggestions I will accept and use. The full-stop after the 'nose' bit I had noticed...but, for some perverse reason I let it stay!
The Jack Nicholson line was originally 'Jack Nicholson's flair for devil may-care' which I liked a lot with my obsessive love of rhyme - but 'flair' had to go as I needed it for Fred Astaire!
I am so happy this wasn't torn to pieces, 'cos I liked it!

---

Not asking much at all really

It's hard to argue with the desired criteria, though instead of a poet who prises open my eyes, I'd want one that shone bright enough to make eyelids completely useless.

Yes, but you're from a different planet than me...my imagination only wanders slightly from the common path...it doesn't go off into the wilderness for miles. I speak of the practical not the magical.

---

For Hes

As you can see I've put in the amendments. Do I have to do away with the capital letters, too? I also didn't know what to do with the internal punctuation..I thought it ought to stay.

I realised that by changing 'who' to 'who'll I was forced to carry this amendment down the whole verse - which I didn't like, so I've undone the amendment and put 'to' instead.

I'd love a poet who'll
prise open my eyes
and lead me down untrodden paths
Who'll lance me with words
or tell me funny stories
that make coffee snort down my nose
who is quirky, smart and unafraid
who'll keep me on my toes

The last line I've changed so the rhythm is better and because I liked the alliteration of 'decide to dance'