Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Whatever is going on here good sir: please wait, sit!
I’m not sure, but I think, that I myself just came in.
Act V? Agreed, but is it the beginning or the end?
What? Oh yes, thank you, they are my lines.
I would pick them up in a moments time,
but it seems that I’ve forgotten how to bend.
Maybe if I warm my back for just a bit.
Yes indeed, I will admit, it is a failure with the breed.
Truly, I’ve no cause to lie, and so I stand,
and thus standing, back to the matter at hand.
Will the final scene end with a bang, or be bland?
Confidentially, you know they say,
“The more noise made, the lesser the man!”
What? I’ve wandered off again?
Well, old people do that. Is it late?
OK, ok! No need to get irate.
You’re just not going to let this lie.
Yes, of course, my line.
Here now, listen, I’ll say it.
“I die!”
©2011 ~Erthona
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
12-11-2011, 11:23 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-11-2011, 11:24 PM by billy.)
hi erthona, (just in case i haven't already said hi  )
no constructive feedback on how it could be work-shopped. for me it's a done deal. a mixture of nonsense old age and a swipe at the venerable king that is far less than tragic. for some reason i get the feel that a dog is involved hehe.
a good original write that's pretty refreshing. welcome to the forum.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
A dog? Yes, I believe your right...he seems to have a name tag which reads...Oswald! Oswald? Strange name for a dog, but there you go.
Thanks for the read.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 239
Threads: 40
Joined: Jun 2011
For some of us, old top, this is a mite near the bone. What bone? The invisible one that the invisible dog buried in Act IV.
Doing my best to look at it critically, and failing really -- it's Christmas-tide-- the thing which stuck out was 'bland'. It isn't needed as an end-rhyme, but if you switched the words around eg 'be bland, or end with a bang' -- it would be spontaneous-sounding.  E
Posts: 168
Threads: 25
Joined: Aug 2011
I enjoyed reading this....it seemed perfectly spontaneous with nothing forced (well, maybe a little here and there) and I could imagine this with some doddering old actor wandering about behind the scenes - muttering.
They say actors dream they are on stage and have forgotten their lines - or they're in the wrong play, so I'm sure this would strike a chord with thespians.
Is that what old men do, leer? My dear one is 74 and he doesn't (well, not while I'm keeping an eye on him he doesn't)
One thing I would change?
"OK, ok! No need to get irate"
...that's not your fault that's because I over-listened to Black Eyed Peas first hit!
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Haha, good stuff Dale, you have that befuddled tone down perfectly -- I'm sure I wouldn't be rude enough to wonder how you managed that!
I did have some difficulty with "a bland" -- I like the rhyme there but bland as a noun is weird to me. I wonder if it's possible to fix it by altering the rest of the line somewhat, perhaps to something like "Will the final scene be flash and bang, or bland?"
This forum is a good place to put poems you're pretty much finished with, that don't fit any other categories and you're not too bothered about being critiqued on. Regardless of where you put your posts, I'm happy to see them
It could be worse
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
LA,
OK, I'll say it for you, when you get my age befuddled comes easily! Yeah, I am somewhat ambivalent about that line. It was purposeful to misuse it, as it alludes to Elliot's "Hollow Man"
"This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper."
as this is a modernist Lear, but I have to agree with you that it reads weirdly and needs to be altered in some way. Maybe
"Will this play end with a bang, or simply be bland?"
Although that seems almost too coherent for this Lear.
Ah, these leetle moderneest peoples can be zo diffeecult at timez.
Ver ist dat Bayron Von Munchhausen ven you need him!
OK, OK, make up your mind, are you French or German?
BUt eet mad-ders nout, vee are all Euros! (God save the Queen!)
Dale
PS Nice to hear from you, Rob and I wonder where you wandered off to. He had/has some sonnet scheme he wanted to entice you in to. However, from what I have seen lately he can turn out Hallmark sonnets at the drop of a noodle!
grannyjill,
"Is that what old men do, leer? My dear one is 74 and he doesn't (well, not while I'm keeping an eye on him he doesn't)."
As far as I can tell, men quit maturing at about the age of 17, and it doesn't matter how crusty the outward shell becomes, we still think we are 17. (Men maturing? Oxymoronic, isn't it?)
"One thing I would change?
"OK, ok! No need to get irate"
...that's not your fault that's because I over-listened to Black Eyed Peas first hit!"
Well that shows you how up to date I am, I didn't even know I was quoting them. At least I now know that when people refer to Fergie they mean the singer, not the royal
Dale
Ed,
"Doing my best to look at it critically, and failing really -- it's Christmas-tide-- the thing which stuck out was 'bland'. It isn't needed as an end-rhyme, but if you switched the words around eg 'be bland, or end with a bang' -- it would be spontaneous-sounding. "
Sorry didn't see this till after I replied to LA.
Well it does rhyme with hand. However, every time I try and change the end to something like "whimper", I feel compelled to write a line about an old dog with distemper. Wouldn't you know my one similarity to the bard would be an over fondness for bad puns?
But, yes, I agree (despite my justification), something needs to be done about it, and not just cover it up with a bland-aid!
Dale
[/quote]
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
What about "or whimper bland"? Mostly for meter, but also for a little extra nod to pastiche (pastiche of T.S. the pastiche king, that's irony for you!)
I think your accent has slipped somewhere between Rosencrantz and Guildenstern 
It could be worse
Posts: 76
Threads: 12
Joined: Nov 2011
Hello Dale thanks for the read and as I have just finished 'Fool' by Christopher Moore it gave me twice the enjoyment your title was apt as the book was full of leer, looking forward to more of the same, cheers (sorry about the puns)
Oh what a wicket web we weave!
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Leanne, your fine offer, I fear...I must spurn,
for they are dead, your, Rosencrantz... and, Guildenstern!
(Spoken by William Shatner)
In Mark's den, there is something rotten,
it is a phrase, horribly begotten!
Actually, I already changed it.
"and thus standing, back to the matter at hand.
Will the final scene end with a bang, or be bland?"
Yes, it was a momentous undertaking...I switched out the "a" for a "be", and thus begins the alphabet!
In all seriousness, thanks for continuing to chew on this.
Pastiche,
to leer,
and to reach,
and then to take a nap,
realizing my reach
has exceeded my gasp!
Quote he, the Dirty Old Big Bad Wolf!
Thanks JC
(sorry about the puns)
No apology needed!
Puns are the meaning of life...or was that 42?
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Ah, to be or not to a...
Now write, you whoreson cullionly barber-monger, write!
It could be worse
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Just for future reference -- because the site is fairly heavily focused on critique and sharing techniques, we tend to post revisions above the original post (just using copy-paste) so that everyone can follow what changes have been made and why.
It could be worse
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Right? No left!
What a sap she had!
(Nick Danger, third eye-cut'em off at the past!)
cullionly, yes, but I do not barber mongers, although there have been a few I'd liked to cut!
As the good bard did tell me.
neither a coxcomb or a dandy be!
"Just for future reference -- because the site is fairly heavily focused on critique and sharing techniques, we tend to post revisions above the original post (just using copy-paste) so that everyone can follow what changes have been made and why."
Will Dew!
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
If such you are, then you must measure
your lubber's length, for foolish pleasure
It could be worse
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
How does that go?
I lube my length for pool flashers,
for of its girth there is no measure!
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Take heed, sirrah, and 'ware the whip
Just hold your peace lest something slip
It could be worse
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Hold my peace is what you say,
you hold my peace and come what may.
I feel like been a Dick in much ado,
you're not Beatrice, but you'll do!
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 168
Threads: 25
Joined: Aug 2011
Loved it ! Loved it!
Is the print of this dialogue going to be available before the Christmas rush? I should like to order a copy now. Thank you.
'Hold your peace'?
She'll more than hold it
She'll rip it off.
I think I'm being more than rude
just picking up your
attitude.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Ah! Leanne's my sole-mate,
she likes to walk all over me!
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Poor Benedick, a pestilence he be
It Be a trice before the Dick infected she
It could be worse
|
