Halloween

[heslopian]

The night is full of empty lawns
and hallways barely glimpsed.

Children pass in small clusters
with pillowcases and pumpkins.

Doors open then close,
emitting giggles and murmurs.

As you pass under a tree
a red leaf falls on your shoulder.

You grab for it then laugh,
brush it to the ground.

Even trees have a sense of humour.
Somewhere an egg breaks

on a wall. An old man swears.
Laughter and retreating bikes.

This is the night for jackanapes,
I whisper as you pass.

[billy]

would 'and barely glimpsed hallways.' read better as 'and hallways barely glimpsed'.
it's quite happy till the last couplet. then it gets a little dark. i think i'd like to see a bit more imagery but if i'm honest.
i did enjoy it as it stood as well. a nice light hearted with a hint of heavy at the end.

thanks for the read.

[addy]

Liked this one, I enjoyed how it was a good combination of whimsical observation and narrative ( the red leaf being attributed to a mischievous tree was an endearing touch). I thought the first couplet was the least effective for some reason... perhaps billy is right and you need a bit more fun / drama in line2. Otherwise, I thought it was a delightful piece

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo and Addy I'll change the second line as per your suggestion in a mo, Bilbo.
The idea for the poem came while I was watching John Carpenter's Halloween last night. I was thinking about that leafy middle-class neighbourhood it's set in and how even though loads of people live there Michael Meyers still perpetrates a massacre.

[Philatone]

Hey jack

The night is full of empty lawns ..I think the verb "to be" kills some of the momentum this opening could have. maybe "the night fills with empty lawns"? something with action
and hallways barely glimpsed.

Children pass in small clusters
with pillowcases and pumpkins.

Doors open then close,
emitting giggles and murmurs. ..I want this stanza to give me something new, and I think it misses

As you pass under a tree
a red leaf falls on your shoulder. ..not sure how I feel about the "you"'s

You grab for it then laugh,
brush it to the ground.

Even trees have a sense of humour.
Somewhere an egg breaks

on a wall. An old man swears.
Laughter and retreating bikes. .. liked the imagery of this and the last stanza

This is the night for jackanapes,
I whisper as you pass. really enjoyed this ending

agree with billy, a bit more imagery could tighten the piece. a metaphor or simile may work wonders

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Philatone