The Storm

[Todd]

You're not out of your depth Jill. You also have the complete right (and responsibility) to disagree when you feel that you must.

I have no desire to make you a minimalist poet. I just want to give you things to consider. You choose what you do or do not use.

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As far as, "the sky heard" that wasn't a criticism I just wanted to confirm that that was your intent. I wasn't sure.

[Ca ne fait rien]

What do I know- I liked the original version better. *blush*
I like the pictures you draw and can relate to them intimately. If I was to say anything, wonder if you might expand the feeling of relief after the deluge as well as the sense of bewilderment.

.

[billy]

hi granny, i know you'll hate me for this; i'm not keen on the edit.
i wanted to fib but couldn't, i like little bits but in general i just get the feeling you're
not really editing the piece for yourself, with your choices. the build up seems to have turned round
so that now it has a really strong start. (too strong i think)

so in my opinion i'd revert back to the original and just cut a few words that aren't really needed. nothing too much just the small ones that really don't add. of course you like every poet is the boss of what you write and edit.

jmo.
thanks for the edit (which is fine in format )

[grannyjill]

Folks....I am totally baffled. I have never been able to rate what I write (what do I know?) I value the input of others and in my desire to improve I tend to go along with all the advise.

If the advise is conflicting my brain explodes and trickles out of my ear.

I think this particular poem is best allowed to limp away to a quiet place to lick its wounds (and die?)
Thanks to everyone for their input.

ps I rather liked it once.

[billy]

no need for that jill.
advise will often be conflictint.

remember when you said "i want such and such to stay, i don't want ti minimise the poem" well that's you're own voice.
for me the original was your own voice. i just got the feel that the edit wasn't your own voice.

as for what you know. i've seen your poems and you know enough to say "no, i won't change that part"
i like the original better. and the original is still there.

i know what you mean though. it's so easy to distort the original idea that becomes another idea. i used to do it so often myself when i got feedback.
i'm so sorry for that last post granny. maybe i went a little too far, saying what i did.

[addy]

Don't consider this poem a failure Jill. It really is quite good. Edits can be a frustrating exercise sometimes (or even a lot of the time) but I hope you don't let that put you off too much. Just breathe and come back to it whenever you feel like. Once you see it again with fresh eyes I hope you'll feel much better about it, and be able to make an edit you like. Of course it's up to you to abandon the piece if that's what you think is best; just wanted to make it perfectly clear that it's far from rubbish and you've done quite well with it, imo

[grannyjill]

For goodness sake, billy, you have every right to say what you like.

I am a very confident person, except in relation to my poetry. Most of what I do is instinctive and I really do not have any idea if the end result is rubbish or not. However, I was very pleased with The Storm when I first wrote it. Of course the edit wasn't my voice...my voice was the original poem - but, I was shown that the original poem wasn't very good....ergo...I am an inferior poet with no taste. (Distorted thinking, but who has control of such things?)

So, no-one who has produced input for my poem has anything to be concerned about. The fault lies with me.

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Hi, Addy

See my reply to billy. I think I must learn to stand up for myself. I think advise in regard to line breaks, and use of adverbs and definite articles, missing comma's, spelling errors, making use of white space etc. will be welcomed by me with open arms. All good advise. But, anything which involves the subject of the poem and the effect I am trying to achieve is something I must think seriously about, and defend if necessary. That way, the poem stays mine.


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[billy]