Asteroid 15338

[bassetluv1128]

WHAT DO YOU THINK SO FAR?! it is for a writing conference contest

]Asteroid 15338

The universe’s rising star;
Shining, excelling,
Gone.
Though not forever,
For now you lie,
Nestled between
The belt of Mars and Jupiter;
A life ever-lasting,
Spent orbiting the Sun.
Only to be seen
With the keen,
Inquisitive eye.
Your presence constant,
A reminder to all,
To dream, to achieve.

[billy]

personally i think the title would be better used within the poem and another title utilized to replace it.
i'd also remove the half bracket.

for me it feels too of a muchness. it's not enlightening me enough to be interesting. i love asteroid 15338
and want to know it. from your poem i get more of a knowledge of mars and jupiter.
i think the 1st line is living above its means once the rest of the poem unravels.
it's an okay poem but it could do with some umph. jmo

thanks for the read don't forget to give some feedback to others.

[grannyjill]

I had no idea what Asteroid 15338 was before I read your poem and, now that I have, I still have no idea what Asteroid 15338 is.

The poem seems pretty good to me. I like the line breaks, and I like your free rhyming...(can't think of a better way to describe what you have done here)
For now you lie.......inquisitive eye
between/seen/keen

Many people like pared down verse but I would have liked a little more to savour.

[bassetluv1128]

What if I replaced the last three lines with "or perchance a mourning loved one/in need of your constant/ presence; the motivation,/ the guidance to dream,/to achieve."

[Todd]

Okay, so I looked this up: http://physics.yale.edu/asteroid-named-h...-1988-2011
and it's a great idea for a poem. I love the title.

What I suggest you do though is add more specific detail to link the story to the poem. Any specifics you can find on her life to blend into the poem would help. Without prior knowledge there is not enough in your poem to draw people to the story. It's a good idea though I think it just needs more specifc detail to pull off.

Best,

Todd

[Wildcard]

Hi bassetluv,
I've read some of Isaac Asimov's poetry on-line and this feels a lot like that. I should begin by saying that I am a beginner in poetry, though. So take my critique with a grain of salt.

] Asteroid 15338 --I took the ']' for a typo . . . if it is, you can edit the post. There is a button in the right hand corner of the post

The universe’s rising star; --I don't think the semi-colon is needed here. Generally it links two complimentary independent clauses. While the two clauses are related, the first expands on the second, instead of supporting and neither are independent
Shining, excelling, --This seems an odd choice of words. Maybe replace 'excelling' with 'propelling' or something like that jmo
Gone.
Though not forever,
For now you lie,
Nestled between
The belt of Mars and Jupiter;
A life ever-lasting, --I think 'an ever-lasting life' would sound better
Spent orbiting the Sun.
Only to be seen
With the keen,
Inquisitive eye.
Your presence constant,
A reminder to all,
To dream, to achieve.

I hope you find something I've said helpful. Thanks for sharing. Do try to give some feedback to other poets when you can. It's what this place is all about.