The Storm

[grannyjill]

The Storm (revised 31/10/2011)

An English village slept in August's fiery heat,
flattened by the lead-filled atmosphere.
Ash-grey skies, splattered with light, heard
bass drums roll as Titans clashed.
Surely The End of the World was Nigh.

A postman pausing, leaned his bike
against the once-white picket fence
to take off his cap to wipe his brow.
The oppressive heat was stifling now.

Suddenly, as from a cliff-high cataract,
cascading waters crashed loudly down
bouncing off tarmaced, dusty roads.
Sleepy drains, taken by surprise,
swallowed, then disgorged the rain again
to gush in torrents down arid streets,
bringing relief from summer's heat.

- As quickly as it came, it went -

A squelching paperboy appeared
clutching sodden papers in his hand
hair plastered dark upon his head,
looking bewildered and a little lost
at Mother Nature's demonstration
of who truly on this earth is boss.


The Storm (Original)

A normal lazy summer afternoon.
A desultory, hazy, airless day,
with leaden atmosphere weighing down
pressing relentlessly, oppressively,
creating a feeling of vague unease.
The sky was filled with peculiar light,
as flashes of yellow darted across.
Bass drums rolled and Titans clashed.
Surely The End of the World was Nigh.

The postman pausing, leaned his bike
against the once-white picket fence
to take off his cap to wipe his brow.
The oppressive heat was stifling now.
Suddenly, as from a cliff-high cataract,
cascading waters crashed loudly down
bouncing off tarmaced, dusty roads.
Sleepy drains, taken by surprise,
swallowed, then disgorged the rain again
to gush in torrents down arid streets,
bringing relief from summer's heat.

- As quickly as it came, it went -

A squelching paperboy appeared
clutching sodden papers in his hand
his hair plastered dark upon his head,
looking bewildered and a little lost
at Mother Nature's demonstration
of who truly on this earth is boss.


(This needs help I know....I think my use of 'gerunds' (?) is over-done. Also I'm not sure whether to break long sentences into shorter ones. Hence the last verse being one long sentence.)

[billy]

i prefer to say ing-words now
will give some feedback tomorrow jill as i have to go out very soon.

[abu nuwas]

First: no need to worry about gerunds, as there are none.

I began by wondering whether you had not started with the idea of using a regular meter, then missed a bit, then decided that it was not worth the candle. The first two lines are iambic pentameter, you see, and a bit of adjustment to the next (eg 'a-weighing', or 'that's weighing') would have made that line likewise.

I thought the description of the onset of the storm was superb, and I liked the conversational tone. Probably would be better not to repeat the 'oppressive'. I thought the language natural, as from someone who by nature speaks colorfully. Very nice read.

This bit, I ,meant, by 'onset'

Sleepy drains, taken by surprise,
swallowed, then disgorged the rain again
to gush in torrents down arid streets,
bringing relief from summer's heat.

- As quickly as it came, it went

[grannyjill]

Thank you, Abu. I was a bit scared that this would be shot down out of the sky, as it is all over the place metrically and rhyme-wise.

I must confess I didn't have much control over this particular poem. The iambic pentameter lines are purely accidental.... they came into my head, unbidden. I carried on as if nothing had happened. As each line occurred to me I tried them out for size, if they fitted I used them, if they didn't they were discarded. I used to write poetry which always had end-stopped rhyming and strict meter...but, I now like to 'play' when I write and use all the new stuff I've been learning such as internal rhyming (lazy/hazy) and alliteration (cliff-high cataract,
cascading waters crashed) and to stop worrying if a rhyme doesn't present itself, but grab one when it does.
ps - I don't understand 'This bit, I, meant. by 'onset'.....sorry for being thick.
pps - the first 'oppressively' can be jettisoned and not be substituted, I feel, with no loss of rhythm. Thanks

[Wildcard]

Hi Jill,
So glad to see you back! I am working on the PC today so I will give some feedback tomorrow.

[Todd]

Hi Jill,

If I were going to look for anything to change (and this could simply be my own style differences), I would consider removing the expositional asides or blending them into the images and actions more.

Examples:

A normal lazy summer afternoon.
creating a feeling of vague unease
The sky was filled with peculiar light,

[grannyjill]

Hi, Todd

You'll have to elaborate a bit more - I don't know what 'expositional asides' means!

If I leave those three lines out won't the same apply to all the other lines too? They're just part of the story, aren't they? Can you show me what you mean?

Thanks, Jill

[abu nuwas]

Jill

ps - I don't understand 'This bit, I, meant. by 'onset'.....sorry for being thick

I realised that in a poem about a storm, talking about liking the 'onset' was vahue in the extreme, so edited to add the lines I had in mind -- nothing v opaque!

I understand quite well what you mean about meter; I do it, and I tell myself that it is OK because it sounds Ok to me, but then sometimes reflect that I have really been self-indulgent or lazy. This is a good poem tho. You need never fear that I will be shooting you down in flames, and I don't think anyone will --we should say what we think, though, in case it is of help. I had better post some more poems, to show the sort of nonsense I am capable of (or secretly inordinately proud of-- would I ever tell?)

I am not a very good critic, and my natural way, sometimes needs translation. For example, if I say 'Not bad, old fruit', in other people's language that would be 'That is AWESOME! AMAZING! I LOVE you!!!'

[grannyjill]

Aha, Abu....I didn't read carefully enough. I couldn't see the word 'onset' in your paragraphs even thou I kept re-reading them to see if it was there.

I'm glad you like that bit, I like it, too and was grateful to whoever it is who lives inside my head, for giving it to me. (I just wish 'whoever' would visit more often!)

I would be grateful for 'Not bad, old fruit' and will keep that in mind when I am desperate for some 'positive strokes'
I look forward to reading your stuff. Please excuse me if I don't always respond at once...I can only visit this oasis intermittently.

[Todd]

Sorry Jill not meaning to be unclear. I think when you stay with the descriptive action of the poem it works better. Obviously there is a narrative here, but there are also some lines that while they would sound good in fiction feel like overly telly asides to me. They stand out more like transitional filler (clearly that could just be my opinion).

[addy]

I do love nature poems. A lot of your descriptions were spot-on and set up an effective atmosphere. I was very fond of your little touches, especially the postman. Just a few comments that might help:

"A normal lazy summer afternoon" is simply not a good opening line. It doesn't pique the interest enough, and is a bit cliche... consider rephrasing it, or just making l2 your first line as it holds more interest.

I think I would have liked more descriptions of the storm itself, seeing as the build-up to it was quite extensive and dramatic (and well done, I thought). Aside from "bringing relief from summer's heat", what else did it do? It might just be my personal preference though, and is only a minor comment on my part

Thanks very much for the read jill

[grannyjill]

Thanks, Todd

Now, I understand. You are saying some lines are 'padding' to fill out the story, in the same way that some words in a line of poetry are there simply to ensure that the rhythm works (but don't add to the poem's appeal). Yes?

This poem is a small story. I could trim a few bits off (I will go away and try it) But, if there is no noticeable difference then I think they will be allowed to stay.

I would value your input on my mish-mash style. I jump in and out of rhyme, and conform to traditional rhythm sometimes and then not at other times. I like writing like this, but I don't know if it is detrimental to the finished verse.

[billy]

4 or 5 ing-words is fine in a poem of this length (i still don't know a gerund from my arse )
i love some of the imagery you shown. and the narrative is lively. the last verse was my favourite. i have been that paper boy hehe. for me there were spots where you had words that did nothing. words like 'his' before hair, 'feeling of' after creating a. L5.
the opening also feels a bit weak, though i do see it's a build up to the storm. i think it could be more interesting.
i don't think it needs anything major to make it shine. jmo

thanks for the read.

[grannyjill]

Oops, sorry Addy.....somehow I managed to miss your input. I do apologise.

I think most of what you suggest has now been incorporated since it was the consensus opinion.

In regard to saying more after the rain-storm, I think I had better leave well alone! Who knows what a mess I might make.

Thank you for your suggestions.

[Todd]

Hi Jill,

On the rewrite: Present tense may add more immediacy. See if you like it better. As to the individual lines I think you're moving in a good direction, I do have a few call outs for your consideration:

L3: The skies heard?
L9: The action shows the heat is this line really needed?
L10: I dislike words like suddenly in a poem is it necessary or can the action show it?
L10-11: Maybe consider pulling them up to end S2 the strophe break can give the sense of waters crashing down to the next line (using the white space). Adverbs are not your friends is loudly necessary when crashed gives the same idea?

I'll hold further comment as this is Mild. Again it's moving in a good direction.

Hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Wildcard]

Hi Jill,
In the interest of forum-wide readability, it is better if revisions get pasted into the first post with the original text marked as such. I've written a thread describing the process. Just trying to be helpful

[abu nuwas]

Jill....I think it better, tho' I had no problem with the simple start. I have no truck with the idea that everything must be put in the present tense, to produce a vivid effect, which is the sort of thing journalists do when breathlessly describing some meeting they have. It is, however, legitimate to give it a think. Tenses, like everything else, are in the tool-box to be used as the craftsmen think right.

Todd......

Adverbs are not your friends

Why? Surely modifying a verb produces colour or imagery, just as qualifying a noun with an adjective does? Or is it that -ly can trip up rhythm or meter? Or just old-fashioned adverbism?

[Todd]

Abu: I will concede that at times adverbs can be fine choices. Most of the time though they weigh down the line. An abundance of adverbs usually signals to me that the writer hasn't settled on the right verb. Or as you say it could be adverbism

[grannyjill]

Thank you Mark....I'm not sure I understand all that 'quote' stuff, but I did get the simple matter of using the Edit button to put the revised poem above the old poem, with the new date. I knew that is what should be happening, but I have a vague memory of using something called 'bump' (although I didn't understand how to use that method) and so, I hoped some-one such as yourselves would step in and help me.

I shall nip off now and do the necessary.

---

Todd.....I am reluctant to pare down this poem any more. I was attempting a rich narrative piece not a skeleton piece. I cannot manage without 'suddenly'

The stuff about white spaces, and what you say about moving L10 and L11 is beyond me (remember I'm a womble...sorry, remember I'm a beginner) especially as you want me to leave L12 behind.

I am puzzled. Why can poets/writers say things like - 'the trees huddled together for warmth' but I can't say that the sky heard thunder?

I do agree re: the adverb use here. I will expunge the offending word (loudly)......have you noticed that I like to use three words when most people merely use one? You will never make me into a minimalist poet!

( ps I shall make sure not to venture out of the novice category in future....I can see that I am out of my depth)

[Wildcard]

Your welcome Jill. The quote tag isn't necessary it's just for the anal retentive person like me The way you've edited is completely fine.