Job Centre Blues

[heslopian]

Job centre windows fascinate me as I wait to be called to a booth.
On metal springs they open just a small, measured distance.
I imagine they're so to prevent suicide, young mum leaping from the ledge
on hearing that her fortnight's dole won't cover a hair extension.
I work with what I'm given. In this case the job centre,
its mawkish photos of the middle-aged: a hennish woman,
big brown eyes, white teeth and dowdy hair, opposite a red-faced man,
who looks like he survived the movie Trainspotting.

I suppose they symbolise those on the dole,
in a world where laziness was left behind by nature's scheme.
I should have brought a book along, I think as time wanders.
Adjacent on a low table are engineering magazines, some politics
and articles which read to me like algebra. I'm sitting in a blue armchair,
down a short gray corridor, ended on either side by desks,
computers and telephones. I feel as though I'm in Yemen
(a place to which I've never been). I work with what I'm given.

[abu nuwas]

Rather you than me! They have improved since I was a lad -- but I suppose still have that air of objects selected by someone whose job it wasn't, plus a few things deemed to be 'appropriate' -- Yikes! You descibe it much too well.

[heslopian]

Thanks Abu I have you to thank partly for this, as your comment on Elegy for England encouraged me to try and write a poem which doesn't preach I don't know if I've been fully successful, but I'm proud that I haven't made any sweeping statements about love and patriotism.

[abu nuwas]

Ha! Those are modest aims -- I think it would be a churl who would say you have not succeeded. Then again, more perceptive souls than I am, may 'read between the lines', or find layers which are always hidden from me...

[Philatone]

hey man
just wanted to share some thoughts. take away what you like

Job centre windows fascinate me as I wait to be called to a booth.
On metal springs they open just a small, measured distance. ..I thought about about putting a comma between "springs" and "they". I think it could make the line "springlike" as well.
I imagine they're so to prevent suicide, young mum leaping from the ledge.. this line felt rather direct for me, telling-ish, at least at the opening
on hearing that her fortnight's dole won't cover a hair extension. .. i like the tone..
I work with what I'm given. In this case the job centre, ..which continues through here. Would parentheses help bracket off the thought (I work with what I'm given), or do you want to really force it out there? Either could work, just wanted to check on the intention.
its mawkish photos of the middle-agedin a world where laziness ...like the rhythm and sounds herewas left behind by nature's scheme.
I should have brought a book along, I think as time wanders...do you need the "I think as time wanders?"
Adjacent on a low table are engineering magazines, some politics ..here, I also feel like something could be trimmed--either the "adjacent" or "on a low table".
and articles which read to me like algebra. I'm sitting in a blue armchair, ..deleting the "to me" would make the image stronger in my opinion
down a short gray corridor, ended on either side by desks, ..I like the colors going on here; could desks have one as well? just a thought-it would work with the structure of the previous lines
computers and telephones. I feel as though I'm in Yemen
(a place to which I've never been). I work with what I'm given...good finishing lines I think

a pleasant read

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Philatone I've been debating with myself about whether I should put the first "I work with what I'm given" in brackets. After your suggestion I think I may.
Does the word "suicide" make the third line too telling?

[addy]

A very well done piece Jack. Needs only a bit of tightening up in a few places, but overall i really liked it. You've used imagery expertly and with such wit... there's a bland feeling of misery/desperation, so bland it only succumbs to mild gaucheness. Though I've never been to such a job centre, I can't hep but feel you captured a unique sensory environment so well.

Job centre windows fascinate me as I wait to be called to a booth. Not to enamored by "fascinate", the idea of it is good but needs to be said in a more compelling way for a first line
On metal springs they open just a small, measured distance.
I imagine they're so to prevent suicide, young mum leaping from the ledge How about phrasing it as "To prevent suicide I imagine, young mum..."
on hearing that her fortnight's dole won't cover a hair extension. LOL
I work with what I'm given. In this case the job centre, I don't know, I really like this line. Something about the contrast between a philosophical line and a dry, normal one made it great for me
its mawkish photos of the middle-aged: a hennish woman,
big brown eyes, white teeth and dowdy hair, opposite a red-faced man,
who looks like he survived the movie Trainspotting.

I suppose they symbolise those on the dole,
in a world where laziness was left behind by nature's scheme.
I should have brought a book along, I think as time wanders.
Adjacent on a low table are engineering magazines, some politics
and articles which read to me like algebra. I'm sitting in a blue armchair,
down a short gray corridor, ended on either side by desks,
computers and telephones. I feel as though I'm in Yemen
(a place to which I've never been). I work with what I'm given. Good lines

[billy]

Job centre windows fascinate me as I wait to be called to a booth.
On metal springs they open just a small, measured distance.
I imagine they're so to prevent suicide, young mum leaping from the ledge
on hearing that her fortnight's dole won't cover a hair extension.
I work with what I'm given. In this case the job centre, (you were given the job centre? )
its mawkish photos of the middle-aged: a hennish woman,
big brown eyes, white teeth and dowdy hair, opposite a red-faced man,
who looks like he survived the movie Trainspotting. some good images. and i like the 1st person narration.

I suppose they symbolise those on the dole,
in a world where laziness was left behind by nature's scheme.
I should have brought a book along, I think as time wanders. is 'i think as time wanders needed? it feels redundant
Adjacent on a low table are engineering magazines, some politics
and articles which read to me like algebra. I'm sitting in a blue armchair,
down a short gray corridor, ended on either side by desks,
computers and telephones. I feel as though I'm in Yemen
(a place to which I've never been). I work with what I'm given. everything after telephones feels unnecessary ( the leap of why you would feel like you were in yemen is a big reach for me the reader to believe.

i do like your narratives jack specially the little details like how far windows open.
while the yemen part didn't do it for me, the rest did. i think you captured some good images. i think the title could be more subtle but thats just a nit. on the whole i thought it a solid write. jmo

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo and Addy I was "given" the job centre to write about. It was based on a thought I had last week about how great writers like Dostoyevsky have the slums of Russia to write about, Dickens had Victorian London, and I have Clacton job centre

[billy]

clacton job centre
would have been a great title