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10-18-2011, 05:21 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2011, 05:35 AM by billy.)
A worth of monuments is naught: To break the yoke!
The soldiers gave, till death they fought to break the yoke.
Them Niggers always on the march like army ants.
Enduring pain in hope, they sought to break the yoke.
Will Arab spring be dry above the desert son?
Can dictators all; be tried, brought to break the yoke?
Sweatshops in down town New York! Do they still exist?
Reebok, Nike, others; they ought to break the yoke.
And what of us, are we confined to merely watch?
Can we create a bill with thought to break the yoke?
i took a bit of a turn from iambs in the odd place. hope it doesn't screw with the flow of the thing?
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ey billy
here are my thoughts (great title for the piece, by the way)
(10-18-2011, 05:21 PM)billy Wrote: A worth of monuments is naught: To break the yoke! ..I kept coming back to this line as I read the poem. Just something about the "naught"; I want to critique it. The line has a great flow, so it was easy for me to pass. I guess I just disagree with it? Shouldn't a monument be worth something? Doesn't it symbolize the very thing this poem is discussing: changing the world to a degree? I figure I must be missing something.
The soldiers gave, till death they fought to break the yoke.
Them Niggers always on the march like army ants. ...great tone, set by the word choice
Enduring pain in hope, they sought to break the yoke.
Will Arab spring be dry above the desert son? ..I have ideas...but nothing certain..
Can dictators all; be tried, brought to break the yoke? ..the refrain of sorts really works well here to capture something that could easily become cliche
Sweatshops in down town New York! Do they still exist? ..I will admit that the rhythm threw me off a bit on the question. I guess in a way, though, I found it appropriate, what with the tones switching. Not sure if it's too much of a distraction or not just yet
Reebok, Nike, others; they ought to break the yoke. ..really liked this line. it really feels separate from the rest of the poem, making the critique even stronger because those companies don't fit in
And what of us, are we confined to merely watch?
Can we be called to give a thought to break the yoke?
..I got distracted with the "give a thought". something feels a little off to me here, but I'm not sure what just yet.
nicely done, great word choice, fun to read. hope this is helpful
Written only for you to consider.
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10-19-2011, 06:04 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-19-2011, 09:36 AM by billy.)
decent feedback like this is always helps 
a monument should be worth something but personally i don't think so. i saw the luther king monument on cnn and though that so long after his death little has changed. rushmore, the cenotaph, the needle, the wall at ground zero. they stopped nothing. people stop and go wow and buy their shoes made under animal conditions, race hate will not change because there's a few monuments of him laying around. if anything i think they make us remember; just before we commit the same sin over.
after a few rereads of the last line, i agree that it's not only off but very weak. i'll have a pop and shoring it up later. with the refrain, at first i spelt yoke as yolk. managed to alter it before and feedback came hehe.
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(10-18-2011, 05:21 PM)billy Wrote: A worth of monuments is naught: To break the yoke! --this feels like it should 'the' instead of 'A'
The soldiers gave, till death they fought to break the yoke. --odd syntax. Maybe 'the soldiers fought and gave their lives to break the yoke
Them Niggers always on the march like army ants. -- I have reservations about 'nigger' but it's probably a local thing
Enduring pain in hope, they sought to break the yoke.
Will Arab spring be dry above the desert son?
Can dictators all; be tried, brought to break the yoke? -- 'DICtat-tors' seems to start a ripple in the meter of this line. The stresses wind up falling in odd places after it: 'be' instead of 'tried'
Sweatshops in down town New York! Do they still exist? --'down town' might be better in it's American (and specifically New York) version 'downtown' IMO
Reebok, Nike, others; they ought to break the yoke.
And what of us, are we confined to merely watch?
Can we be called to give a thought to break the yoke?
Where I'm from, even in a 'break the yoke' kind of poem 'nigger' is a no-no. That being said props for being brave enough to put it out there. I'm assuming 'them' in front of it supposed to reflect the ignorance of the name caller but if not it should be 'those'.
NIke and REEbok are trochaic, so that line feels a little odd. I love how you included several kinds of injustice instead of making this a one dimensional look at one set of people's problems
A solid ghazal but I couldn't find your sig. Thanks for sharing.
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10-20-2011, 05:37 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2011, 05:39 AM by billy.)
bastardo, i forgot the sig bit. 
right i did a really quick fix wit the the sig.
while nigger is a contentious word, i felt it prudent
to say it how it was in king's time. and show that while some things change,
it's not always enough.
i tried to make it like a flock of sheep or a pack of hounds.
a worth of monuments.
will take a look at the rest the rest later, thanks for the feedback Ava.
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Hey billy, commenting on the edit Just a few issues, but overall nice job. A ver stouthearted poem.
(10-18-2011, 05:21 PM)billy Wrote: A worth of monuments is naught: To break the yoke! This is a strong opening, but there's something wrong with it grammatically, I think? Maybe it's the colon, it implies a direct connection between the statement "a worth off monuments..." and "to break the yoke" when there probably isn't (the second statement is more connected with the next line, as I understood it).
The soldiers gave, till death they fought to break the yoke.
Them Niggers always on the march like army ants. I think you can say "negroes", which, though dated and not pretty, seems less venomous from the narrator's perspective. Just a thought
Enduring pain in hope, they sought to break the yoke.
Will Arab spring be dry above the desert son? Nice pun
Can dictators all; be tried, brought to break the yoke?
Sweatshops in down town New York! Do they still exist?
Reebok, Nike, others; they ought to break the yoke. Like the sense of the line, but I feel "they ought to" sounds rather weak.
And what of us, are we confined to merely watch?
Can we create a bill with thought to break the yoke? If I'm understanding this correctly, then "create a bill" sounds terribly weak for me, imo 
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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okay guys'. it seems i need too much of an edit to do it in a moment, i'll leave this one a while and take a look at it in a few weeks.
i did what i felt was a decent gazhal previous to this and thought i could emulate it. (it's clear now and painfully so, that i didn't)
are you all happy now 
seriously. the feedback was great and i will see if i can use most of it to get this puppy improved. thanks.
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