It Was All Your Fault:

[billy]

revision:

A day
of pleasurable pain;
mortality grasped.
Cleaved, the sun
sleep with darkness.

original
A day
of pleasurable pain;
grasped by mortality,
making the sun
sleep with darkness.

[John Holland]

Good short poem. There is often strength in brevity. At least I think so. My only quibble is in the last line. Making the sun "sleep with darkness" seem a softer ending than was required by the earlier lines. I'd like to see you come up with a stronger (harsher) word than sleep. Only my opinion of course.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback John. i'm open to suggestions. ( all opinions are valued here )
i think from sun on could be strong now you mention it. will think on it for a while.
thanks again.

[Philatone]

hey billy!

A day
of pleasurable pain;
grasped by mortality,
making the sun
sleep with darkness.

I do have a thing for short poems, they do carry an immediate impact a lot of the time. One thing I felt as I read was that I didn't have much to grab onto. The imagery, even for the last two lines, I had difficulty picturing, though I thought I understood the words perfectly. I think having a more specific title would work wonders, just a suggestion though--it would allow you to be more abstract on the inside.

[billy]

thanks, will see what i can do later on

[Leanne]

Any mention of pleasurable pain is a good one

"grasped by mortality" might be stronger as "mortality's grasp"

and for a somewhat different direction, how about "unbrights the sun"?

[addy]

I quite liked this one billy. The imagery was pretty much all veiled in its meaning, but I found it very fascinating and compelling. It played out effectively for me. Personally I have no problem with the "sleep with darkness" line (it's soft but still has enough shady undertones, but that's just me) but what didn't work for me was the line before... "making" is a bit bland/ undescriptive and you can't really afford that with such a short poem. Just my take on it though.

[billy]

i am confused hehe.
thanks for the feedback everyone.
i do like mortality grasped because it gets rid of 'of.
i changed making to cleaved, i have no idea why but it felt good.
still undecided on the last line.