Being Cool

[heslopian]

I used to think pretending to like
only bands thought of as cool -
The Clash, Nirvana, Joy Division -
and despising white bread pop
would make me a better person.

When the albums spun their way
through songs of drink and drugs
(I eating a custard cream)
it felt as though coolness had come
to let me suck its golden cock.

Countless failures have proved
listening to Girls Aloud, Kenny G
or Cher has no effect on cleverness,
regardless what the cool kids say.
Life doesn't care if you wear a mohawk.

Play the X-Ray Spex all day,
you still had a wank over Phillip Schofield,
busted in your clean bedsheets
while great men worked to cure cancer.
Men who probably liked The Osmonds.

[Philatone]

Hey man!
just wanted to share my thoughts

I used to think pretending to like
only bands thought of as cool -
The Clash, Nirvana, Joy Division -
and despising white bread pop
would make me a better person.

struck me as a lot of "telling". I think a good way to "show" would be altering line 2, demonstrating how you know people thought these bands were cool. where were they played? who listened to them? when? I think answering questions like these will help reveal more than simply telling me they were cool.

When the albums spun their way..good play on spun
through songs of drink and drugs
(I eating a custard cream)..i do like the separation this line brings between the speaker and the album artists
it felt as though coolness had come
to let me suck its golden cock.

Countless failures have proved
listening to Girls Aloud, Kenny G
or Cher has no effect on cleverness, .."Cher" felt like an afterthought to me, seeing it cast onto another line. I'm not sure it is needed
regardless what the cool kids say..."cool kids" feels cliche. i realize how important this concept is, but "cool" just pops up a little too much for my liking
Life doesn't care if you wear a mohawk. good last line and transition to the conclusion!

Play the X-Ray Spex all day,
you still had a wank over Phillip Schofield,
busted in your clean bedsheets
while great men worked to cure cancer...maybe a semi-colon or comma instead of a period? I think linking the two lines reinforces them more than a period can provide. I would keep Men capitalized on the next line though
Men who probably liked The Osmonds.

I believe this is the strongest part of the poem. It gave me something to hang onto image-wise with some good wording

just a personal thing I'm sure, but it just felt like too much telling overall. I enjoyed the finish, but I think the poem only gained its footing in the second half. I hope this is helpful

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Philatone

[billy]

I used to think pretending to like
only bands thought of as cool -
The Clash, Nirvana, Joy Division -
and despising white bread pop
would make me a better person. i think the 1st could do with some images

When the albums spun their way
through songs of drink and drugs
(I eating a custard cream)
it felt as though coolness had come
to let me suck its golden cock. (this one has some good images. 5 of them )

Countless failures have proved is 'have" needed?
listening to Girls Aloud, Kenny G
or Cher has no effect on cleverness, would 'or' or 'or cher' work better on the line above?
regardless what the cool kids say. could cool be another word cos of the repetition?
Life doesn't care if you wear a mohawk. this is my fave line

Play the X-Ray Spex all day,
you still had a wank over Phillip Schofield,
busted in your clean bedsheets
while great men worked to cure cancer.
Men who probably liked The Osmonds. this stanza is a solid ending

the 1st stanza felt a little weak compared to the rest of the poem. the narrative was good but didn't hold my attention in the 1st as it did in the rest of the piece. (i think because it lacked something solid.) what did the clash do? how did nirvana rock?)
i thought the last and 2nd stanza rocked better than nirvana. though the x ray spex lost me i actually liked the line hehe.
like i said, if you make the 1st stanza hold an image or two i think it'll be a winner. jmo
thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Bilbo I think I'll take Philatone's advice and create an image in the second line which indicates where I heard the music played. Maybe I could write another stanza about The Clash and Nirvana.

[billy]

either or both of those would strengthen the piece i think

[addy]

I like this one, Jack. Wry, funny, and very much relatable to anyone who's been a teenager. Some issues, but it's got a solid, winning concept that will shine with just a teeny bit of polish.

I used to think pretending to like
only bands thought of as cool - This line does read pretty weak... not helped by "thought" and "think' so close together.
The Clash, Nirvana, Joy Division -
and despising white bread pop
would make me a better person.

When the albums spun their way I think you can improve "spun" with a similar synonym... something that's more intense / chaotic
through songs of drink and drugs
(I eating a custard cream) Like this touch
it felt as though coolness had come
to let me suck its golden cock.

Countless failures have proved I think it would be interesting to make a stronger statement, or a stronger allusion on these general failures.
listening to Girls Aloud, Kenny G
or Cher has no effect on cleverness,
regardless what the cool kids say.
Life doesn't care if you wear a mohawk.

Play the X-Ray Spex all day,
you still had a wank over Phillip Schofield,
busted in your clean bedsheets
while great men worked to cure cancer. Again i like the sense of this line Jack, maybe it needs a little extra "oomph" though. Right now it is serviceable (though perhaps that is intentional, to keep focus on the punchline?).
Men who probably liked The Osmonds. I seriously laughed out loud at this

[Wildcard]

Hi Jack,
   I am already a fan of your work, mostly because it is so unlike anything that I can do or would think to do. Sometimes, I don't necessary resonate with the content of your poems (or I don't get it cause I'm an uncultured redneck ), but this time you hit the jackpot with one reader On a personal level I recognize the amount of acceptance that relies on the following of trends or in this case trendy music.
   Coolness being displayed as a greedy, selfish, get-a-blowjob-and-dip kinda thing is spot on imo. And as for the topic that really is clarified in the third stanza by a wonderful close. Great work here friend. The Muse doesn't care at all about our coolness, but I'm glad cause that would count me out :p

I will say that it opened a little slow and felt more like prose to me.
Thanks for sharing. (And as usual I probably missed it, but @ least this time I felt like I got it )

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, Addy and Ava (sounds like a comedy double act!) I don't think you missed anything, Ava

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

A fun piece, and when I think back somewhat true. Here are some comments for you.

I used to think pretending to like
only bands thought of as cool ---you don't need this line at all. It works just as well with it removed
The Clash, Nirvana, Joy Division -
and despising white bread pop
would make me a better person.--I love this opening thought

When the albums spun their way
through songs of drink and drugs--you could eliminate songs of if you like spun gives that idea
(I eating a custard cream)
it felt as though coolness had come
to let me suck its golden cock.--clever last two lines

Countless failures have proved
listening to Girls Aloud, Kenny G
or Cher has no effect on cleverness,
regardless what the cool kids say.
Life doesn't care if you wear a mohawk.--I like this line so much I would almost encourage you to make it your signature in posts

Play the X-Ray Spex all day,
you still had a wank over Phillip Schofield,--would this maybe work better with "and still have a wank..." I'm not sure
busted in your clean bedsheets
while great men worked to cure cancer.
Men who probably liked The Osmonds.--Brilliant last two lines. Sold the poem

Best,

Todd