All year he planned the final phase:
On custom stationary, leaves
complete directives that he wrote,
enumerating in detail:
Guard your mother's wedding veil,
check inside my safe deposit box,
cancel all my future mail…
Throughout these final Holy Days:
He gave the grand-kids extra candy;
kisses with a little note--
his presence. Wrapped beneath the tree,
each of their gifts where they would see.
Now, in the car within his closed garage--
leans back, relaxes, turns the key.
ICSoria
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Sid, this is terribly sad -- for me the impact was slightly lessened because I saw what was coming right at the outset but I'm not sure how to make it more of a surprise, or even if you'd want to. Having the anticipation through the entire piece is not a bad thing. (should it be "stationery"?)
I'm not convinced that "enumerating" is the right word, unless the points are in a numbered list which isn't entirely clear -- you could probably do without that line entirely, come to think of it, it's implied by the one before it.
Like the presence/presents play, and the relaxing in the last line, which makes this quite gentle and decisive rather than an act of desperation. It certainly is an emotive little piece.
It could be worse
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hey soria!
here are my thoughts
(10-16-2011, 02:53 AM)ICSoria Wrote: All year he planned the final phase:...i like this as an opening
On custom stationary, leaves ...present tense "leaves" threw me off. could it be past tense, or is this something that needs to be emphasized as happening right now? I think it would still work in the past, saving the present for the last stanza. just my opinion, of course
complete directives that he wrote,
enumerating in detail: ...is this line necessary?
Guard your mother's wedding veil,
check inside my safe deposit box,
cancel all my future mail…
just an idea; how about a line about his signature? i was curious how he closed this letter. of course, only a suggestion. i do like this section on his note.
Throughout these final Holy Days:
He gave the grand-kids extra candy;
kisses with a little note--
his presence. Wrapped beneath the tree, ...nice lil play on words
each of their gifts where they would see. is this line necessary
Now, in the car within his closed garage--
leans back, relaxes, turns the key. agree with leanne on this, nicely done. the stanza as the whole helps to lessen the blow
ICSoria
hope to add some more notes later, but this was my initial reaction
Written only for you to consider.
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(10-16-2011, 02:53 AM)ICSoria Wrote: All year he planned the final phase:
On custom stationary, leaves This tripped me up. Because of the comma I thought you meant "leaves" as in leaves on the trees. How about: "On custom stationary he leaves"?
complete directives that he wrote,
enumerating in detail: "Enumerating" clangs a bit here. Something more informal like "totting up" might work.
Guard your mother's wedding veil,
check inside my safe deposit box, Is "inside" needed?
cancel all my future mail…
Throughout these final Holy Days:
He gave the grand-kids extra candy;
kisses with a little note--
his presence. This confuses me. Do you mean his presence was the note he left them, making this a metaphor? Wrapped beneath the tree,
each of their gifts where they would see.
Now, in the car within his closed garage--
leans back, relaxes, turns the key.
ICSoria
I love the final rhyme of "see" and "key".
Leaving aside the nits I've mentioned this is a fine poem. I like how small details go noticed - safe deposit boxes, candy - often in poems about suicide mawkish grandiosity takes over.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Hi Sid,
A very sad poem, sir. Though the way it closed made me feel as peaceful as the man in the car. The part about the 'prescence' I took as a play on 'presents' and I don't think that plays well, but perhaps you meant something else entirely. I would say that the 'headlines' kind of take away from the poem. Without the colon, L1 is still strong. L8 doesn't seem to be helping (you get the Holy/holiday thing from the tree/gift/wrapped later)
I love the last two lines. I'll admit I didn't see it coming as clearly as Leanne, but when he got in the car . . .  (don't call me stupid. on the second read I saw the 'stop my mail' part and thought 'how did I miss that?')
Great work as always. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you all for suggestions and honesty, each one touching on points that were problematic in the piece. I know it is not a particularly strong write, beginning mainly as an experiment in rhyme and word-play. I kept it in my “shoebox” over the years, pulling it out now and then to see if I could somehow salvage it.
I suppose I tried too hard to maintain similar rhyme scheme between the two strophes, sacrificing crisper words in the process. “Enumerating” was a last minute change, along with words in the preceding line. I will probably eliminate the line to simplify it as per suggestions. Leanne, you are correct about “stationery.” That is the trouble with relying too much on Word Editor. It picks out word misspellings by not proper usage. Thank you.
A surprise is not something I was going for in this. I wanted to imply preparations, believing not everyone contemplating such a “way out” intends to leave behind a mess, though it seems this is almost always the case. I will take suggestions to heart and very much appreciate all of you taking time to comment. Thanks again,
Sid
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(10-16-2011, 02:53 AM)ICSoria Wrote: All year he planned the final phase:
On custom stationary, leaves (i'd omit the comma to give it more than one meaning)
complete directives that he wrote,
enumerating in detail: this line feels redundant
Guard your mother's wedding veil,
check inside my safe deposit box,
cancel all my future mail…
Throughout these final Holy Days:
He gave the grand-kids extra candy;
kisses with a little note--
his presence. Wrapped beneath the tree, great line
each of their gifts where they would see.
Now, in the car within his closed garage--
leans back, relaxes, turns the key.
ICSoria an utter sad piece of poetry. apart from the two nits (which don't really matter) it works.
at first the title made me think it was going to be a happy poem, i don't know why. then the 1st line changed my mind. it worked well because it jolted me. most of the last stanza tugs at the heart strings. so i think you get a desired result. what makes it poignant is the fact the 1st person seems to be overseeing the final act. jmo
thanks for the read sid.
This may not be a final revision but I attempted to incorporate all of your suggestions and changed the poem accordingly. I appreciate everyone's honesty. Feel free to be brutal in stating whether it is working better...or if, for any reason, something feels worse,
Sid
Quote:..present tense "leaves" threw me off. could it be past tense, or is this something that needs to be emphasized as happening right now? I think it would still work in the past, saving the present for the last stanza. just my opinion, of course
I sort of liked the idea of confusing the tenses, in the same way there is always a bit of underlying confusion; losing track of time, in such situations, no matter how well planned.
Quote:enumerating in detail: ...is this line necessary?
In the end, all of you were right about this suggestion. Jack said it best: It “clangs” :-)
Quote:check inside my safe deposit box, Is "inside" needed?
Was simply attempting another word-play: It failed—it goes…was sort of clunky anyway.
Quote:just an idea; how about a line about his signature? i was curious how he closed this letter. of course, only a suggestion. i do like this section on his note.
I did ponder this, Phil, but in the end, understanding I was already giving away a lot by this point, a signature would have exceeded even that.
Quote:each of their gifts where they would see. is this line necessary
In my mind, “gifts” establishes the correlation in word-play. Thus, I felt it was necessary, though it could possibly be stated better, somehow. I will continue to play with variations.
Last Christmas (Revised...for now)
Careful plans; a final phase.
On custom stationary leaves
complete directives that he wrote,
Guard your mother's wedding veil,
check the safe deposit box,
cancel all my future mail…
Through each of these Holy Days
He gave the grand-kids extra candy,
kisses with a little note--
his presence.
Wrapped beneath the tree,
gifts where each would easily see.
Now, in the car
within his closed garage--
leans back, relaxes,
turns the key.
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it feels smoother.
it feels more human, i think. not that the original wasn't that, it was. i think the removal of enumerate was a winning move. jmo.
if you split it, i'd also split the last verse into 3 and 4 liners respectively with the 4 liner being the finale.
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IMO this is clearly better. The format is smoother and the words more personal. I also like 'presence' separated as you've done it. Great work
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