lost soul

[karren29]

I watch the sky turn gray
I kneel down and pray
For God to take the pain away
And help me to be strong everyday

My wings are broken
I can no longer fly
But I'll find my heaven
Where there'll be no tears to cry

My knees are wounded
I don't think I can still walk
But I remember how my life ended
I can still hear them talk

I'm a lost soul
Trying to find my way home
I'm a lost soul
Trying to find my way, alone

I've been through hell
I've been hurt so bad
But everything's gonna go well
So there's no need to be sad

I'm a lost soul
Trying to be strong
I'm a lost soul
Singing a sad, sad song
I'm a lost soul
Trying to do no wrong
I'm a lost soul
Been lost for so long

Hear me God, I can't do this anymore
Please Father, lead me to your door
I don't wanna be lost anymore
Take my hand Oh Lord

I'll crawl on the ground
Cry without a sound
One day, MAYBE, one day, I'll be found...

[Leanne]

This poem is most suited for the novice forum, where you'll receive more helpful feedback/ admin

[abu nuwas]

Well, I am not exactly a novice, but I am a poor critic, and the novice forum is intended to help people develop their critiquing skills, so, here goes.

First, the length of this alone told me that you had spent some time on it. Perhaps you do not want to spend any more! I thought, though, that you had not made up your mind about whether or not it was going to be some meter, though you were determined everything should rhyme. I think that was a mistake. It begins as iambic (deDA deDa deDA -- three 'feet'). If the second line began with 'And', it would be just the same. The third line...well, it sounds well, and then the fourth...and it's all got away from you.

None of this would matter much, but if you had stuck to some sort of regular meter, it might have, if you had wished, enabled you to be more expressive, by rhyming ,say, only every other line, and more importantly, I think, would have given more punch when you got to the 'lost soul' bit, which you might have left as it is.

It is often a good trick to weave in at the end, some line, often the first, but not necessarily, from what has gone before -- my choice would be the first 'lost soul' line.

I hope this makes sense.

[billy]

it feels song like karren
can i suggest a two verse poem? that way it's easier to to play with in order to make it original
at present it feels very generic and a little cold because of it.
abu gave some good feedback. see if you can utilize it

thanks for the read.

[hobbit86]

I enjoyed this to read, all the feelings are jumping off the screen! I like poems you can straight off get a sense of the poet...I love poems, but I've always liked to read 'behind' the poem...and wonder what prompted the poet to write it, how they were feeling at the time, if I can relate, and if not relate, can I understand...and right away I can get all of that. It's a very open and honest poem. I like it.

But...I also feel too much rhyme...don't get me wrong. I love rhyme, the majority of mine rhyme (and probably also a bit too much)...in stead of having all the lines end in same rhyme (grey, pray, away, day)...perhaps make the 1st and 3rd line rhyme...and 2nd and 4th? or 1st and 2nd. then 3rd and 4th?

It's definately easy to read...again, just my personal choice...I find it much easier to read poems written in stanzas, rather than one big block of writing. So this straight away appeals to my eye

I watch the sky turn gray
I kneel down and pray
For God to take the pain away
And help me to be strong everyday
I like this stanza...good opening...but the last line just doesn't fit in with the rhythm.
...perhaps
And help me be strong today?
Not sure if that is any better

That's the one big thing that jumped at me was the rhythm in this stanza, perhaps as it was the start...I just think it needs a bit of tidying up in places regarding rhythm...I'm a novice myself...but what I do with any lines that rhyme, is try and make sure the paired lines have the same sylabuls...it doesn't always work and is one or two out...but anyhu...that's my bit of advice...not very good advice. lol.

I did like the poem...and I hope whatever hurt prompted this poem has gone away