Tyrant

[heslopian]

The tides are rushing forth to flow
through a plughole in her breast.
Memory and conscience spill

down the blue fields of her blouse.
Somewhere a man of certain race is collected from his home
and murdered in a jail cell.

Many years ago a girl
was thrust onto a blazing heap.
Red cotton socks falling apart.

He withdraws the knife and frowns
at a stain on his new shoes.
He tears the woman's blouse,

shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket.
Takes her key, leaves the room,

locks the door then slides the key
through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed.

The general has had his lunch -
champagne, chicken, chocolate mousse -
and is tending to some work.

[Philatone]

Hello Heslopian,

The tides are rushing forth to flow
through a plughole in her breast.
Memory and conscience spill

down the blue fields of her blouse. beautiful
Somewhere a man of certain race is collected from his home
and murdered in a jail cell.

this shift caught me offguard, but I like how it is in the middle rather than the beginning

Many years ago a girl
was thrust onto a blazing heap.
Red cotton socks falling apart. for some reason, I had trouble with this. the word 'apart' seemed interesting to me for socks; like, the material unraveling? burning?

He withdraws the knife and frowns
at a stain on his new shoes.
He tears the woman's blouse, having already ended a line with blouse, this really stood out to me, though I don't think it was good attention. maybe i'm missing a form; otherwise, finding away to incorporate it inside of a line might help with flow, like you did two lines down with "breast"...

shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket.
Takes her key, leaves the room,

locks the door then slides the keyusing key twice here in such a short span also distracted me a bit
through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed.can this line be shortened? It would have a slightly better rhythm with the rest of the poem, or so it seems to me. Maybe just "Faraway, death..." or "somewhere" i know the palace is nice to have, but I think the distance between this general and the crime is slightly more so.

The general has had his lunch -
champagne, chicken, chocolate mousse -nice alliteration, and all food words! I think that if these words also demonstrate the general's wealth, serving the same purpose as the "palace" above
and is tending to some work.

nicely done, these were just my quick thoughts

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Philatone The repetition of "keys" is something I can't really see a way around (unless you have a suggestion?) but I'll try and do something about "blouse".

[Philatone]

"shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket.
Takes her key, leaves the room,

locks the door then slides the key
through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed."


-------------------------------------------------------------
Well, looking at it again there are a lot of actions going on rather quickly. I think the easiest option is using a pronoun, because synonyms for a key can be tricky. an idea that came to me was:

shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket.
Before leaving, he takes the key

To lock the door
And slides it through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed.

my defense is that it slows the time down a little bit as well. I think it is possible to play with these lines and use "it" instead. again, just a thought; if it does nothing for you I understand completely.

[heslopian]

Cheers for the help Philatone

[billy]

The tides are rushing forth to flow
through a plughole in her breast.
Memory and conscience spill

down the blue fields of her blouse.
Somewhere a man of certain race is collected from his home
and murdered in a jail cell.

Many years ago a girl
was thrust onto a blazing heap.
Red cotton socks falling apart.

He withdraws the knife and frowns
at a stain on his new shoes.
He tears the woman's blouse, 2nd use of blouse?

shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket. 2nd breast?
Takes her key, leaves the room,

locks the door then slides the 2nd key
through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed.

The general has had his lunch -
champagne, chicken, chocolate mousse -
and is tending to some work.

i feel as though i'm supposed to know the scenes being acted out and i don't. as generic scenes they don't move me strong enough to have an effect, so for me while you have some decent images a lot of the poem is for you, unusually weak jmo

thanks for the read as always.

[heslopian]

The poem was based on a discussion I had with a friend in which I argued that murderers like Ian Huntley are on the same moral level as dictators: Hitler, Mussolini etc. Thanks for the feedback Bilbo. I don't like this poem much either. I find it too fragmentary and cold.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Normally, I click with your stuff very quickly. I get drawn in. I'm having trouble with this one, and while this could just be me it makes me think that there's a lot that isn't settled yet (earlier draft maybe or again maybe me). Here are some comments for you (I'll try to restict myself to Mild):

The tides are rushing forth to flow--I wonder if you need forth to flow and if you could simply cut them and pull up through a plughole
through a plughole in her breast.
Memory and conscience spill--The strophe break seems to suggest spilling. I like that

down the blue fields of her blouse.
Somewhere a man of certain race is collected from his home--I keep wanting to either break this line on race (the safe break) or collected (the more fun break).
and murdered in a jail cell.

Many years ago a girl
was thrust onto a blazing heap.
Red cotton socks falling apart.--Is there a better substitute for falling apart? (i.e., shriveling, etc)

He withdraws the knife and frowns
at a stain on his new shoes.
He tears the woman's blouse,--nice callousness

shoves the separated cloth
in a breast pocket.
Takes her key, leaves the room,--do you need this strophe?

locks the door then slides the key
through the letterbox.
In a faraway palace death warrants are signed.--great line. Links the petty murderer with the secret police and those that order them

The general has had his lunch -
champagne, chicken, chocolate mousse -
and is tending to some work.

The theme comes through nicely. I feel that you are one or two edits away from nailing it.

I hope some of this is helpful.

Best,

Todd