In the Name of the Father

[abu nuwas]

[ind] [ind] [ind] the Name of the Father


Gone. Gone gone. Will you walk where we once walked, and wear
[ind] [ind] [ind] what we once wore?
Left..left left. Will you wander on the Wealden Way, with wild white
[ind] [ind] [ind] rose and hegerows?
Or..or...or... Will you watch the wisps of wounded, welted warrior-
[ind] [ind] [ind] -ghosts as they walk dead in gore?
Rain, rain. Rain well, upon the roses and the roads, wash clean
[ind] [ind] [ind] our saddened ways where no man goes!
In...in...in the name of the Father.... Where are the wished for
[ind] [ind] [ind] evening scents, and where the wind

Amid the screams and sounds of wails of those who could not pray
[ind] [ind] [ind] because they had not sinned?

.
[ind] [ind] [ind] [ind] [ind] [ind] (In... in....

In the Name of the Son

In Stondon Park, between Ridsdale Road, and the massive Brockley
[ind] [ind] [ind] Jack, there stand
Near suburban houses in the street, a Hawthorn, pink, with a Rowan
[ind] [ind] [ind] hand in hand.

In the Name of the Holy Ghost

El-Hajj, 'Halal' Meat, as well as fruit and some other eaty things,
[ind] [ind] [ind] is opposite;
Xenophon now owns this one. It a convenience store and
[ind] [ind] [ind] as well as veg., unlocks
Cell-phones (Mobiles) or repairs accessorize (sic). Khan's it is,
[ind] [ind] [ind] although upon

Entering, you find, that Khan is gone, and even that nice Afghan,
[ind] [ind] [ind] who so much
Longed, to get a green card, and somehow get his dentistry
[ind] [ind] [ind] qualification,
Studied for in Kabul, recognised by going to Williamsburg. I wonder:
If that blackbird's ancestors sat here, and watched the Legions
[ind] [ind] [ind] leaving London,

[ind] [ind] [ind] leaving London,
Slogging down this very road: 'Mithras, God of the Sun, teach me to die aright!'


Note:
People! This is supposed to be an acrostic, 'Gloria in Excelsiis', but I just cannot get it formatted. The draft is OK, but the ppropper thing just reverts to type. Help appreciated!¬

[billy]

is that any better, does it need anything else? i took a liberty and moved the 2nd leaving london in order to keep acrostic constant

if so, let me know and i'll copy it over the unformatted one

i moved it over the original Abu, if you want anythin changing let me know, will leave a response later, but as an accrostic....i think it's excellent
i have to do the work run now but will come back to it in a short while.

[abu nuwas]

Thank you, Billy. I could go on tinkering with the 'second line' until the Legions come marching back. That is fine, and thank you for your labour. I actually dislike acrostics, so perhaps I was being punished by the Acrostic God. The two 'leaving London' lines arose from my formatting efforts, but when I looked at it, for no accountable reason, I thought it should stay that way. Can you work your magic?

[heslopian]

Love the poem, hate the format. Why the 4 - 6 word lines enjambed from the ones above them? Why not just move them up, making the acrostic clearer and the poem neater? For me this reads like someone threw a bomb into Shakespeare's Hamlet. The lines themselves are brilliant - elegant wording, concise imagery - but they're scattered all over the shop, so your beautiful passages are ruined by ugly presentation. Just my opinion, of course. Like I said the lines themselves are brilliant. You show a real gift for storytelling, mixing human interest with classic images, like a Siegfried Sasson poem. Screams, sounds, scents, wails, roses and roads... Gorgeous stuff. Now all you need is to knock it into shape

[billy]

[ind] [ind] [ind] the Name of the Father


Gone. Gone gone. Will you walk where we once walked, and wear
[ind] [ind] [ind] what we once wore?
Left..left left. Will you wander on the Wealden Way, with wild white
[ind] [ind] [ind] rose and hegerows? like how you invite him to the way.
Or..or...or... Will you watch the wisps of wounded, welted warrior- excellent consonance
[ind] [ind] [ind] -ghosts as they walk dead in gore?
Rain, rain. Rain well, upon the roses and the roads, wash clean
[ind] [ind] [ind] our saddened ways where no man goes!
In...in...in the name of the Father.... Where are the wished for i like the repitition here, it feels like the 1st person is lost
[ind] [ind] [ind] evening scents, and where the wind

Amid the screams and sounds of wails of those who could not pray
[ind] [ind] [ind] because they had not sinned? wonderful image in this couplet

.
[ind] [ind] [ind] [ind] [ind] [ind] (In... in....

In the Name of the Son

In Stondon Park, between Ridsdale Road, and the massive Brockley
[ind] [ind] [ind] Jack, there stand for me the syntax feels askew
Near suburban houses in the street, a Hawthorn, pink, with a Rowan
[ind] [ind] [ind] hand in hand. another great image

In the Name of the Holy Ghost

El-Hajj, 'Halal' Meat, as well as fruit and some other eaty things,
[ind] [ind] [ind] is opposite;
Xenophon now owns this one. It a convenience store and should "It" be "it's"
[ind] [ind] [ind] as well as veg., unlocks
Cell-phones (Mobiles) or repairs accessorize (sic). Khan's it is,
[ind] [ind] [ind] although upon

Entering, you find, that Khan is gone, and even that nice Afghan,
[ind] [ind] [ind] who so much
Longed, to get a green card, and somehow get his dentistry
[ind] [ind] [ind] qualification,
Studied for in Kabul, recognised by going to Williamsburg. I wonder:
If that blackbird's ancestors sat here, and watched the Legions
[ind] [ind] [ind] leaving London,

[ind] [ind] [ind] leaving London,
Slogging down this very road: 'Mithras, God of the Sun, teach me to die aright!'


Note:
People! This is supposed to be an acrostic, 'Gloria in Excelsiis', but I just cannot get it formatted. The draft is OK, but the propper thing just reverts to type. Help appreciated!¬

and here's why the poet has to, and can only be the one to chose how to edit...i think it's great the way you have it formatted. i like the way you incorporated the "asides" and i think it great we have differing opinions because it makes the poet think that bit harder if they decide to edit.

my favourite part was the corner shop sequence, it was like being at home back in the uk. to much for me to like to pick it all out. nothing constructive to say apart from the two nits in the body of the poem.

i thing the centred lines and the tabbed lines make the acrostic stand out even more, as such words (gloria in excelsis) should for those of the faith. i think format-wise "in the name of the father" would have been better centred. i like how you brought god down to earth (pun intended) or should i say invited god down. and of all places, the wealden way. i suppose that's as apt a place as any. (jmo)

i enjoyed the poetry of it, thanks for the read.

[abu nuwas]

Love the poem, ... Gorgeous stuff. Now all you need is to knock it into shape

Not sure which version you saw. I just could not get the draft to come out, and Billy kindly volunteered to format. I think -hope - you saw it in its raw form, where the acrostic was invisible.

[heslopian]

I saw the version which currently appears in the opening post.

[abu nuwas]

Heslopian----That makes me feel a bit better --I think. I am that very Narcissus as a child mentioned somewhere else, you see.

Billy --- I wanted to alter 'stand' to 'stands' as it is more proper grammatically if 'with' is to follow, rather than 'and'. Likewise, I would have had 'It's'. However, my attempts to make the changes produced some terrifying results, you know, a hand coming our of the lap-top giving me the finger, so I gave up. It can be ambiguous.......

[billy]

hehe, Ive had keyboards like that.