If All The Birds Fall From The Sky

[marc]

If all the fields are yellow and crucified by
the unchanging hands of man,
if the electronic furnace never loses its intensity,
if the emerald of the planet is crushed
beneath a foot fall of brutal ballot boxes,
if the forests are reduced to a womb stripped
of fertility,
if the delicacy of flowers become forgotten memories,
if human hands are washed away by burning
raindrops,
if the path of wonder is replaced by a desolate
avenue of despair,
if the birds all fall from the sky
and children bury them in mason jars,
if science fails to discover the vast ocean
of the soul,
if we continue to ignore the trembling
of the frog, the doe and the timber wolf,
if our constant onslaught of the Earth persists
without hesitation,
then I step toward my eventual transfiguration
with a sorrowful but almost
ethereal anticipation
behind my eyes.

[billy]

it reminds me of a famous "IF" poem by someone else, though only in the "if's"

for me the poem (it's message) could be better promoted without the 'ifs'
i think it would have a hell of a lot more power as a statement instead of as it is, a question.
some great lines in the poem marc but they feel the least important part of it. all we see is 'if"
the sorrow and anger are lost behind each 'if'
i think it would take a small edit to make this bugger shine, jmho

thanks for the read

[Aish]

Hi, Marc.

I apologize, but I cannot concentrate on this long enough to read all the way through it. I wind up @ the path of wonder and that's it. I do agree with Billy's suggestions.

[Todd]

Hi Marc,

Just a few basic comments for you:

I would suggest letting your title do dual work as your first line:

So your new "first line" would be:

and children bury them in mason jars,


Now going a little further, you've got some good lines and ideas in here. I'd like to see you pare it down a bit so that your best lines shine. A few comments in the lines:

If all the fields are yellow and crucified by--how would fields be crucified (I'm having trouble visualizing that)?
the unchanging hands of man,--these are the type of lines you can cut. Stick with your more visual ones (imo)
if the electronic furnace never loses its intensity,--never loses its intensity isn't as visual as you could make this. Stretch for something that the electronic furnace specifically does
if the emerald of the planet is crushed
beneath a foot fall of brutal ballot boxes,
if the forests are reduced to a womb stripped
of fertility,--womb implies fertility so you don't need this you could simply say stripped womb above
if the delicacy of flowers become forgotten memories,
if human hands are washed away by burning
raindrops,
if the path of wonder is replaced by a desolate
avenue of despair,
if the birds all fall from the sky
and children bury them in mason jars,
if science fails to discover the vast ocean
of the soul,
if we continue to ignore the trembling
of the frog, the doe and the timber wolf,
if our constant onslaught of the Earth persists
without hesitation,
then I step toward my eventual transfiguration
with a sorrowful but almost
ethereal anticipation
behind my eyes.

I could make more comments Marc, but since this is mild I just wanted to highlight a few things. I think this could be worked into a really nice poem. None of my comments are gospel by any means but just weigh them against what you think. Hopefully there will be something in them you can use.

Best,

Todd

[Patrick Traveler]

This entire poem (for me) consists of two lines:

if the birds all fall from the sky
and children bury them in mason jars,

but the rest of it had no new images and no new ideas for me. I've heard it all before. I guess I'm getting old and after fifty years of hearing people talk about the death of the earth, I'm looking at new questions that this poem does not address.

But those two lines are great. I really like those two lines.

[Philatone]

hey marc

I actually think the ifs can work here, but if the poem had a smaller quantity of images. I would have a stronger connection to it if you picked a couple of points (rather than listing them) and elaborated. For instance, "beneath a foot fall of brutal ballot boxes,"

What kind of boxes? Who did what? tell me a little story. Similar items I wanted to learn more about were "if the delicacy of flowers become forgotten memories" (show me how they are delicate!)

I think narrowing the images while giving more description also complement that shift you have towards the end, where you break from the ifs. If you prefer keeping the form as is, then I think losing the ifs would improve the impact for me. hope this helps