Mantid

[Aish]

The end is embedded in the beginning:

My squall bites in unholy rage,
acid rain against the quarried walls

crumbled at the foot of my heart,
which beats to spite me.

My death has yet to deliver my life,
and I am poised
to forget long days
and endless summers.

Rain pops like hot grease
against the fake sky of my room.
I feed off false warmth and stale iron.

Blood in my mouth.

Still no howl,
where my soul is stone
or a pillar of salt.

You be Sodom, and I'll play Gomorrah,
trapping would-be trespassers and tourists.

The desert was as close as I came
to the sea.

Winter turns a book of faith
into myths of transformations.

I long to crystallize,
coaxed out of rock and sea stars
and return -

as elaborate architecture.

I could bloom from the ancients
and emerge
with an elongated body and wings.

A mantid.
Enigmatic, yet uneloquent.









_________________________________________________________________________________________
Original:
The end is embedded in the beginning:

So it should come as no surprise
my squall bites and stings in unholy rage,
acid rain against the quarried walls

crumbled at the foot of my heart,
which beats to spite me.

My death has yet to deliver my life,
and I am poised
to forget long days
and endless summers.

Rain pops like hot grease
against the fake sky of my room.
I feed off false warmth and stale iron.

Blood in my mouth.

Still no howl,
where my soul is stone
or pillars of salt.

You be Sodom, and I'll play Gomorrah,
trapping would-be trespassers and tourists.

The desert was as close as I came.
To the sea.

Winter turns a book of faith
into myths of transformations.

I long to crystallize,
coaxed out of rock and sea stars
and return -

as elaborate architecture.

I could bloom from the ancients
and emerge
with an elongated body and wings.

A mantid.
Enigmatic, yet uneloquent.

[LaGitana]

Aish, this is the poem you referred to yesterday? I have only a few comments and some are from an actual Mantis breeders POV... you can take them or leave them...

The end is embedded in the beginning:

So it should come as no surprise
my squall bites and stings in unholy rage, (mantids do not sting, they have spines on their front legs that are used when striking prey but are not poisonous BUT they are merciless!)
acid rain against the quarried walls

crumbled at the foot of my heart,
which beats to spite me.

My death has yet to deliver my life,
and I am poised (maybe do without the "and")
to forget long days
and endless summers.

Rain pops like hot grease (love this line)
against the fake sky of my room.
I feed off false warmth and stale iron.

Blood in my mouth. (I might consider life instead of blood)

Still no howl,
where my soul is stone
or pillars of salt.

You be Sodom, and I'll play Gomorrah, (not sure about "play")
trapping would-be trespassers and tourists.

The desert was as close as I came.
To the sea.

Winter turns a book of faith
into myths of transformations.

I long to crystallize,
coaxed out of rock and sea stars
and return -

as elaborate architecture. (i love this line and think that it says so much. it could say more if you could somehow tie it together with the first line of the next strophe and do away with the last line... as that is implied overall... imo)

I could bloom from the ancients
and emerge
with an elongated body and wings.

A mantid.
Enigmatic, yet uneloquent. (why did you choose uneloquent here?)

Just a few ideas that I had.... Matids are amazing to study. I am normally not an insect person but I raise them with my sons and for the past three years we have become fascinated by them... You have done an amazing job weaving them into poetry...

[Wildcard]

The end is embedded in the beginning:

So it should come as no surprise
my squall bites and stings in unholy rage,
acid rain against the quarried walls

crumbled at the foot of my heart,
which beats to spite me. sums it all up, to me. The powerlessness of living/the uselessness of dying.

My death has yet to deliver my life,
and I am poised
to forget long days
and endless summers. this section is wonderful. Rather than glorify the evanescence , you villify it.

Rain pops like hot grease
against the fake sky of my room. I tend to get an image of a girl on her bed staring up and it seems to be she is biting the inside of her mouth
I feed off false warmth and stale iron.

Blood in my mouth. nice the way you seperated the stale iron and blood. gave me time to get it on my own

Still no howl,
where my soul is stone
or pillars of salt.

You be Sodom, and I'll play Gomorrah, again, I like the 'pause'. I don't care for 'play' here, but when I tried to think of an alternate, all I could come up with was:

You take Sodom, and I'll be Gomorrah

which I don't like any better :p
trapping would-be trespassers and tourists. nice kick-back to the pillar of salt

The desert was as close as I came.
To the sea. hands down my favorite part. I have 'resolved' this a dozen ways and I'm sure there are more . . .

Winter turns a book of faith
into myths of transformations.

I long to crystallize, I don't know how to take this. 'crystallize' gives me thoughts of immovable, 'coaxed out of' is a reversal and 'return' signifies having left (which crystallizing is not what you've done, but what you 'long' to do. so where are we returning from?) Pretty sure I'm missing something because I am not as well read as ninety-nine percent of the people here.
coaxed out of rock and sea stars
and return -

as elaborate architecture.

I could bloom from the ancients
and emerge
with an elongated body and wings.

A mantid.
Enigmatic, yet uneloquent.

Please forgive me inane comments as they are just my attempts to learn. I really enjoyed reading this and felt, overall that it was a powerful read. It covers a nice range of feelings in such a short time.
Thanks.

[Leanne]

The end is embedded in the beginning:

So it should come as no surprise -- starting a stanza on a conjunction really buggers up all the experts and their "don't do thats", so of course I'm going to love it when it works, as it does here
my squall bites and stings in unholy rage, -- love "my squall bites and stings" but unholy rage is borderline cliche and probably a bit overly telly
acid rain against the quarried walls

crumbled at the foot of my heart,
which beats to spite me. -- yes, they do that don't they? Great notion.

My death has yet to deliver my life,
and I am poised
to forget long days
and endless summers. -- interesting inversion, considering these are the things all the songwriters go on about as memorable

Rain pops like hot grease -- again an inversion of the traditional image of rain as cooling
against the fake sky of my room.
I feed off false warmth and stale iron.

Blood in my mouth.

Still no howl,
where my soul is stone
or pillars of salt. -- does it need to be more than one pillar?

You be Sodom, and I'll play Gomorrah, -- "be" Sodom as opposed to "play" Gomorrah seems very pertinent to me, as does the fact that Gomorrah is usually only mentioned as an addendum to Sodom, with not even a specific "sin" attached to its name
trapping would-be trespassers and tourists.

The desert was as close as I came. -- I really don't understand your use of a full stop here
To the sea.

Winter turns a book of faith
into myths of transformations. -- We believe anything in the spring and summer, when we're carefree and the sun makes us drowsy, but winter is a time of introspection and dark questions. This ties nicely back to your forgetting endless summers, which with this line becomes a passage to enlightenment

I long to crystallize,
coaxed out of rock and sea stars -- beautiful
and return -

as elaborate architecture.

I could bloom from the ancients
and emerge
with an elongated body and wings.

A mantid.
Enigmatic, yet uneloquent. -- a paradox to finish, as any enigma is eloquent simply in its existence... this reminds me of nothing more than Ozymandias, silence and mystery inspiring endless volumes of speculative discussion

Some pure gorgeousness here, Aish. The mantid is inspired as its metamorphosis is quite subtle -- very little changes from nymph to adult except that they reach sexual maturity and develop wings, but still appear much the same. And of course, they both pray and prey.

[billy]

i had an idea but wasn't sure enough, so i checked out what mantid is

The end is embedded in the beginning: good opener

So it should come as no surprise is this line needed?
my squall bites and stings in unholy rage, really strong line.
acid rain against the quarried walls is 'the' needed?

crumbled at the foot of my heart,
which beats to spite me. it's something we'll never control . great line.

My death has yet to deliver my life,
and I am poised ties in really well with the title.
to forget long days
and endless summers. feels cliche

Rain pops like hot grease this line sizzles
against the fake sky of my room.
I feed off false warmth and stale iron.

Blood in my mouth.

Still no howl,
where my soul is stone
or pillars of salt.

You be Sodom, and I'll play Gomorrah,
trapping would-be trespassers and tourists.

The desert was as close as I came.
To the sea. i love this couplet.

Winter turns a book of faith
into myths of transformations.

I long to crystallize,
coaxed out of rock and sea stars
and return - good verse

as elaborate architecture.

I could bloom from the ancients
and emerge
with an elongated body and wings. is this line needed?

A mantid.
Enigmatic, yet uneloquent. is 'yet' needed?

i really like how this panned out.
the title and the end are a perfect marriage. i made some suggestions to tighten it up but that's all they are; suggestions

My death has yet to deliver my life,
and I am poised
to forget long days
and endless summers.

is my fave section, even with endless summers. it shows absolutely where the 1st person is.

thanks for the read

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

Lovely poem! I'm sure I'm just skimming the surface on this read, but here are some comments for you:

The end is embedded in the beginning:--The colon makes me view this line as the poem and everything else as the explanation of that line. I take this to mean that the seeds of what must be or what must come to pass were there from the start. Considering the mantid title death is linked with the creation of life. Thinking of it metaphorically, you could say that the scars of life are already there at birth beneath the skin waiting to be reveal led.

So it should come as no surprise
my squall bites and stings in unholy rage,--I think you could cut unholy rage and just trust in the images
acid rain against the quarried walls--I like quarried as it gives a sense of deepness. Maybe against the could be replaced with erodes or something like that

crumbled at the foot of my heart,--I like foot of my heart
which beats to spite me.

My death has yet to deliver my life,--nice paradoxical statement
and I am poised
to forget long days
and endless summers.--This entire strophe is strong

Rain pops like hot grease--This is my favorite image in the poem. It's surprising. It's unexpected. It captures the sound so well, and it ties in with the earlier acid rain tying the earlier part of the poem with this shift that seems more personal
against the fake sky of my room.--this sounds like a painted sky.
I feed off false warmth and stale iron.--Maybe kill the period, insert a "this" before blood.

Blood in my mouth.

Still no howl,
where my soul is stone
or pillars of salt.

You be Sodom, and I'll play Gomorrah,
trapping would-be trespassers and tourists.--I love these lines. I also like that you introduce a you relationship of some sort

The desert was as close as I came.
To the sea.--gorgeous lines though I think removing the period after came will make it read smoother

Winter turns a book of faith
into myths of transformations.--winter being either a type of death or a time of barrenness. Good line.

I long to crystallize,
coaxed out of rock and sea stars--and here's the transformation. I love all of this imagery.
and return -

as elaborate architecture.

I could bloom from the ancients
and emerge--don't know if you need this.
with an elongated body and wings.--I love that you came full circle and the end truly was embedded in the beginning

A mantid.
Enigmatic, yet uneloquent.--I love ending on uneloquent

I hope the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[Aish]

@ La Gitana - Yes, this is the poem I mentioned to you. I am removing 'sting'. I chose 'uneloquent' as a sort of juxtaposition. Thank you very much for your feedback!

@ Mark - your comments are not at all inane. The strophe you struggled with should be taken in context with the line below it. It is a rebirth of sorts, a longing for something beautiful, unattainable, and sturdy.

@ Leanne - Contemplating the plurality of pillars. The full stop after 'as close as I came' is an internal stop. I shall pull it. Your insights and feedback are wonderfully appreciated.

@ Billy - I am considering your suggestion to pull L2. Thank you so much for your time and offerings!

@ Todd - [you could say that the scars of life are already there at birth beneath the skin waiting to be reveal led.] This is beautiful - it merits a poem of its own.