you killed me mom

[karren29]

mommy it’s so dark in here
but i know i don’t have to fear
i can’t see anything
but it’s a glorious feeling

soon you'll find out about me
hope it makes u happy
I’ll do my best for you
mommy there's nothing i won’t do

mom i heard u cry
grandma found out today
i heard her sigh
said everything's okay

i feel u hug me every night
it doesn’t hurt though it’s really tight
you whisper sweet words to me
but mom why don’t i hear daddy?

it’s my 5th month today
grandma baked a cake
then i heard u say "James!"
Is that my daddy's name?

he held u in his arms
but it doesn’t feel right
i know he won’t do any harm
but i feel really scared tonight

then u talked about me
and how i make u happy
grandma asked for a ring
and he didn’t say anything

that was the first and last time
i ever heard his voice
and today u said u made up your mind
u said u made your choice

today we are in a hospital but it doesn’t sound the same
the doctor introduced himself but i didn’t get his name
mommy what are we doing here please lets go home
grandma's waiting for sure, we don’t want her to be alone

u walked in his office and he said something
i didn’t understand but i have a bad feeling
please mommy let’s get out of here
don't let him touch you, don’t let him near

mommy can you hear me?
I’m getting really scared
mommy listen to me
i thought you really cared

He's gonna hurt me i know u know that
he even said u shouldn’t be sad
mommy can u feel my heartbeat?
I’m asking u to love me

there's silence for a little while
thought i won and i finally smiled
i felt something cold touch my skin
then my little world became dim

I start to feel the pain
I know he's the one to blame
mommy please help me
it's killing me, can't you see?

U see, i wanna grow up one day
ill love u when everyone walks away
Why don’t you please give me a chance
am i no longer part of your plans?

I feel the thing rip my arm off
just like that coz its really soft
I’m crying in pain but u can’t hear me
it hurts mom, it hurts, cant u see?


please ask him to stop, I’m dying
can u still feel me? I’m hardly breathing
mommy please let me live
there's nothing i won’t give

and then there's no pain anymore
a man in white opened a door
He took my hand and cried with me
said, "It's ok son, your free"

I don’t know who he is
but he knew just what to say
and with just one kiss
he took the pain away

I still want to ask u why
but i hope you’re doing fine
I still want to hold your hand
I love u mommy, I’ll try to understand

[billy]

hi again karren

a couple of things,
1, you need to show us with images.
2, you need to get rid of every single word that doesn't count, or add something

mommy it’s so dark in here
but i know i don’t have to fear
i can’t see anything
but it’s a glorious feeling

mommy it’s so dark
i can’t see
but it’s a glorious feeling.

if you can do something similar to the rest of the poem, it will be stronger, and easier to add images to it.
there is one other thing, if it's you, it's you. not u. unless you want a text style poem, in which case use text style throughout
eg, 4 for four, 2 for to etc. at the moment i think you need to bring the poem out of all the packing it's in.
after that we can help with the other stuff.

[Todd]

Hi Karren,

Some general thoughts for you:

Be careful, when you deal with topics that are emotionally charged it's more important than ever to err on the side of subtlety. No topic is off limits to poetry. That said, an emotional "important" topic doesn't mean that the poem is powerful. Less is more here. So, if you want to deal with an abortion don't let the reader know right away with the title. It's also very hard to do the perspective from in the womb. I've done that perspective in one of my poems (not abortion, but it's very difficult to give imagery around it. It's very hard for the reader to relate. Many who take the opposite view to this poem would say there isn't the cognitive development to generate these thoughts in the first place. It's may be more interesting to set the point of view with one of the adults (though again nothing is off limits it just gets more difficult to pull off). Shy away from the graphic (arm ripped off) it doesn't get you the emotional punch you think it does...subtlety is the key to pulling this off. Ask yourself is it realistic that a baby/fetus understands and can communicate family relationships. Think about how they might view their environment. Is the mother the earth to them? Are they alone in the universe outside of sounds and light? I encourage you to give these things some thought and see if it moves you in any interesting directions.

I hope that helps in some way.

Best,

Todd