And Drift Away:

[billy]

Sleep is a faded blonde
under heavy meat.
A mastered kiss off dry lips,
an anatomical bike with weary wheels
sleep is a failing logic;
a Schrödinger's cat
writing scripts with invisible lip-gloss.

original

And Drift Away

Sleep is a faded blonde
weighed down
under heavy meat.
A mastered kiss off dry lips,
an anatomical bike with weary wheels
sleep is a failing logic;
the Schrödinger's cat
of life and death,
writing scripts with invisible inks.

[Wildcard]

Sleep is a faded blonde --interesting opening line. given that L3 is under heavy meat, I think you should cut L2 or change 'under' to 'by' jmo
weighed down
under heavy meat.
A mastered kiss off dry lips,
an anatomical bike with weary wheels --'weary wheels' is nice. just right. as is the next line.
sleep is a failing logic;
the Schrödinger's cat
of life and death, --Schrödinger's cat was both alive and dead, do you need to explicately say 'life and death'?
writing scripts with invisible inks. --I love this line. just a thought, but do you remember disappearing ink?

   Billy, I love your imagination and creativity. You always have such a practical insanity in your work and I mean that in a good way. This poem is intoxicating to a person like me that loves to sleep. To an insomniac, it might have a very different effect

Thanks for sharing.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

I really appreciate the way you bring ideas together in your poems. Here are some comments for you.

Sleep is a faded blonde
weighed down--maybe unnecessary as heavy in the next line could imply being weighed down. The first line is really good. There's something about too many line break pauses before stating the metaphor for me. I'd kill line two if only to help pace and for the minor feeling of redundancy with heavy and weighed.
under heavy meat.
A mastered kiss off dry lips,
an anatomical bike with weary wheels--not sure I like weary here. I'd rather see something that suggested weariness without coming out and saying it. I do like the anatomical bike though
sleep is a failing logic;--awesome
the Schrödinger's cat--maybe keep the parallel structure from the last phrase by replacing the with a. (again though just a great line
of life and death,--I did see Mark's comment on this and I agree with him. Shrodinger's cat is it's own set up. I think you can cut this line.
writing scripts with invisible inks.--love this last line.

It's a creative, solid poem Billy. I enjoyed it.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

I was going to say pretty much exactly what Todd said The only difference is, I quite like "weary wheels", but would certainly suggest removing both L2 and L8, either with "a" replacing "the" before Schrödinger's cat, or removing the article altogether.

Your first line gives you a very strong metaphorical setup -- I would really like to see it link more obviously with the last line, though I like the both of them. I just can't make the connection as they stand, the idea of blondes writing scripts with any kind of ink is a bit weird

[billy]

thanks guys, on reflection the 2nd line is redundant, an edit seems in order so i'll do it quickly less i forget.

[Todd]

lip-gloss brings it full circle

Inspired addition.

Love it

[billy]

i have leanne to thank for that, thanks for the comeback todd

[Leanne]

Yep, that's the bollocks now

[billy]

thanks guys.