Bad memories

[DUBLIN5]

Walk away calmly
Stop shouting in my face
More of a man to turn my back
Ignoring your discrace

Your ignorance and vulgerness
Of a person of your status
Tells me your vulcalbury
You don't really rate us

So go on - now walk away
Bring your shame with you
Till your dying day
Don't come back for pity
Or sorrow should i say
Your the one that walked out
I won't forget that day

[billy]

hi dubs, great to see you post some poetry. that said, i think you should post in the novice section so as to not be overwhelmed with feedback. (just a suggestion)

the poem feels like it's very personal. the first verse works well. the 2nd verse needs a little on making read better, at present it feels jerky.
the last verse is much better, the reader can read it without and jerkiness. for me "that day" isn't necessary on the last line. always use the spell check dubs, spelling a a big part of putting a good looking poem out. others will hopefully give you feedback as well, my advice is to listen to it if you think poetry is something you want to learn about. either way, well done for showing us the poem

thanks for the read.

Walk away calmly
Stop shouting in my face
More of a man to turn my back
Ignoring your discrace disgrace

Your ignorance and vulgerness
Of a person of your status
Tells me your vulcalbury
You don't really rate us

So go on - now walk away
Bring your shame with you
Till your dying day
Don't come back for pity
Or sorrow should i say
Your the one that walked out
I won't forget that day

[Leanne]

Nice clear message, dubs, and fairly well presented. I feel a bit nasty correcting your spelling of "vocabulary", sorry And it should be "you're the one who walked out". Insults are always more effective when they're properly spelled, so the person you're insulting doesn't have that petty comeback.

[DUBLIN5]

ok cheers

[grannyjill]

Hi, I wanted to post a critique of your poem, but didn't know the rules in regard to pointing out spelling errors...as I am from a generation for whom this matters, I wince when I see something which is spelled wrongly. I, then, cannot get past that to see whether the piece is worthy or not. I'm sure that I am not alone in this.

I'm new here, too...spelling isn't my problem. My problem is writing decent poems. I've learned an enormous lot in the short time I have been here. I hope you do, too. Look forward to seeing more of your postings.
bye, grannyjill

[Wildcard]

Hi Dubs,
   It's good to see you posting. This poem looks a little angry, but mostly resilient and wishing to be different and make a change. Ignoring the spelling errors, its a very poignant message that, while it seems tailored to a specific person, could apply widely.

Walk away calmly
Stop shouting in my face
More of a man to turn my back --your suggestions in the first two lines are summed up with L3 - be a man. I'm not sure about the grammar of the line, but I like the feeling.
Ignoring your discrace

Your ignorance and vulgerness
Of a person of your status
Tells me your vulcalbury --I would suggest you change 'vocabulary' as it doesn't seem to fit, meaning-wise.
You don't really rate us

So go on - now walk away
Bring your shame with you --maybe change 'bring' to 'take' as bring suggests coming with
Till your dying day
Don't come back for pity
Or sorrow should i say
Your the one that walked out
I won't forget that day

Thanks for sharing. All these nits are JMO and offered honestly.

[DUBLIN5]

ok i'll have a good think

[John Holland]

Your work is raw in my opinion, but it is also strong. I think the reviewers before me have covered most of the things I would have said. So I'll just leave a suggestion for you to consider. I find it helps a lot to read your poem out aloud to yourself. If it doesn't "sound" right, it won't read right. Good luck with your writing. I look forward to reading more of your work!

[heslopian]

Walk away calmly
Stop shouting in my face
More of a man to turn my back
Ignoring your discrace Nice catchy rhyme.

Your ignorance and vulgerness Would "the" work better than "your"? As it is the syntax of this verse seems confused.
Of a person of your status
Tells me your vulcalbury "Vocabulary"
You don't really rate us What does his vocabulary tell you? You seem to leave that thought hanging. How about:

"Your vocabulary proves
you don't really rate us."

So go on - now walk away
Bring your shame with you
Till your dying day
Don't come back for pity
Or sorrow should i say "I"
Your the one that walked out "You're"
I won't forget that day

Thanks for the read, Dublin