Salome

[bogpan]

Did they demand my head -
Salome?
Is it the price of the sole
Fondness.
Now, when ready is
The Silver Plate
on it I'll put it by myself
not some blood to fall
on the ground
and some weeds to grow
into your renewed
Fondness.

[Wildcard]

Hi Bogpan,

Great to see you posting. All suggestions are JMO as a rookie

Did they demand my head - --I think the first line is a nice opener, but maybe if 'Salome' is gonna be your second line it doesn't need to be the title also
Salome?
Is it the price of the sole
Fondness.(?)
Now, when ready is
The Silver Plate --odd grammar here. hard to read.
on it I'll put it by myself
not some blood to fall
on the ground
and some weeds to grow
into your renewed
Fondness.

I like the feel of this as a whole. It brings many elements of the age old story to new life. I loved how it seemed like the blood watered the weeds to spring forth. I must say, from 'The Silver Plate' down, the grammar feels clunky. The whole thing is quite a mouthful . . . maybe it could do with a little more punctuation.

Thanks for sharing.

[Aish]

Did they demand my head -
Salome? I do not think this line is necessary. Are you meaning it as the definition of her name, Peace? If so I would suggest either rendering it as such, or changing your title.
Is it the price of the sole
Fondness. 'Fondness' works better in L14
Now, when ready is I stumbled with your grammar here.
The Silver Plate
on it I'll put it by myself I stumbled with your grammatical structure here as well
not some blood to fall
on the ground
and some weeds to grow
into your renewed
Fondness.

For me the poem really began with L8.

[addy]

This piece is quite hard to critique. The parts I can glean are quite beautiful (blood on the ground growing into weeds instead of the cliche flowers, the silver platee which I assume will carry the head) but a lot of it is hard to understand because of the odd grammar (odd grammar could be a style, of course, but there needs to be some consistency that makes it decipherable)

[abu nuwas]

I have no problem with archaic, or archaistic speech, though I felt 'not some blood to fall' goes beyond that. We might say 'I don't want some fool to do it', but I think it has to be preceded be a negative verb of that sort.

Without reading too hard, I like the concept of the Silver Plate taken from many images, and also to me, reminiscent of the chalice and plate with which the Eucharist is administered. So I then tie in the blood of the tale, with Christ's blood, from the Cross, as well as if I have it right 'Ne'er grows the Rose so red as where some ancient Caesar bled' from Omar Khayya, and the Rubaiyat of Fitzgeralld.

I feel it is a bit choppy as it stands but could be improved, and would be worth trying.

[billy]

i get the gist of the poem bogpan but for me, the syntax feels off,
and so takes a lot away from the read. wish i could have been more helpfull

[Patrick Traveler]

I like the images, blood on the weeds and the silver plate. The syntax stopped me cold in lines 5 and 7. Good premise well worth working on.

[bogpan]

I thank all who have voiced their opinion. It seems necessary to make clarification on the poem and syntax. Unfortunately, I forget that post in another language and cultural environment in which some of the references are completely unknown. The poem is built on the biblical story of the murder of John the Baptist. For those interested here you can read the whole story, which will meet certain remarks by commentators. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salome One of the most famous poems on this topic has a title and Salome was written by C. Cavafy. In respect of awkward syntax, I can say that the likely reason is that the poem is a translation from Bulgarian and I have a poetic license "odd grammar could be a style, of course, but there needs to be some consistency that makes it decipherable ". I hope I have not violated the rules of the site and the mall it to be excused because they are fluent in English. For me it is very interesting to see concrete proposals for improving the English translation.
Thanks for sharing.

[billy]

please. poetry never violates any rules we have.
i got the gist of poem and knew it's references with the silver plate, i was just a little
confused with some of the syntax.
from your post can we presume English is your second language?
if so, maybe we can help with the diction or syntax when you post your poetry.

[bogpan]

please. poetry never violates any rules we have.
i got the gist of poem and knew it's references with the silver plate, i was just a little
confused with some of the syntax.
from your post can we presume English is your second language?
if so, maybe we can help with the diction or syntax when you post your poetry.

Yes, English is my second language. Thanks for the offer to improve the syntax of English. Poems were written in Bulgarian and syntax are translated. I hope with your help I can be better implemented bilingual book of poetry - in Bulgarian and English.>: D <

[billy]

i'm sure now the others know they'll also help with the language side of your work. >: D <

[billy]

i'm sure now the others know they'll also help with the language side of your work. >: D <
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