Dark Obsession

[Wildcard]

Revision 3

Daughter of lust claim me.
I expire in you
and breathe in your cloud
of jet black pain

Pressing me down into a hole,
shovel in hand--
I dig you
down.

Not drowning, worshiping the water I inhale . . .
I inhale you
and exhale all of me,
but still you leave me
weaker than before.

2nd Revision

daughter of lust,
claiming me now,
shrouding my eyes in misery.

pressing me down,
soon I will fall,
'neath all the pain she gives to me.

yearning to touch, I
worship the taste,
once more I long to hold her in.

in spirals she's drifting,
skyward bravely,
so soon, she's gone from me again.

Original

Dark obsession
claiming my all,
cover my eyes with misery.

Pressing me down,
soon I will fall,
'neath all the pain it gives to me.

Her name I scream,
the touch I crave,
once more I long to hold it in.

Spirals floating,
upward bravely,
so soon, she's gone from me again.

take it easy on a newbie, huh? ;-)

[billy]

hi AA, great to see you posting.

william wordsworth wrote;

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
if you read every line the thing you'll see is an image. the term thats used to describe this phenomenon is "show not tell" your poem, every poem has the ability to show the reader an image instead of just teling us what happened.


Spirals floating,
you can add an image by writing it as
{type of here] spirals foating, or
spirals [of type] floating.
there are other way you can show imagery such as through metaphor, simile etc but just try the easy ways first. if you can add a couple of images in each verse it will lift your poem a huge amount.

thanks for posting
hope to see more

[heslopian]

Dark obsession
claiming my all,
cover my eyes with misery. There's an odd change of tenses between "claiming" and "cover". Would this verse work better like so?:

Dark obsession claim my all,
cover my eyes with misery.

Pressing me down,
soon I will fall,
'neath all the pain it gives to me. This is my favourite verse. It creates a nicely physical impression of being crushed, or maybe pushed towards a pit, by obsession. I think you should expand on this.

Her name I scream,
the touch I crave, Would "her touch" be more atmospheric?
once more I long to hold it in. Nice. Again the impression given is nicely physical.

Spirals floating,
upward bravely, I like the idea of the spirals, but the syntax here seems slightly odd. How about: "Spirals bravely float upwards"?
so soon, she's gone from me again. I like this line, falling where it does. It's an elegant and smoothly flowing closer. Not unique, but calm and final.

take it easy on a newbie, huh? ;-)

Thanks for the read With a few edits this could be a very good poem.

[Todd]

Hi,

Welcome to the site!

A couple quick things to think about:

If your title is Dark Obsession than your first line doesn't need to be. Let your title do some work for you.

Also, to add to the comments about imagery, think of ways that an image can express an emotion.

cover my eyes with misery

could become something like

cover my eyes with storm clouds

Or any picture that conveys the specific type of misery you mean.

Again, glad to read your post

[Leanne]

Hiya, welcome to the bear pit (I mean teddy bears, of course.) Love your nickname, by the way.

You have created quite a nice rhythm here and the mood is set well. You've already received some great tips from the gentlemen (and billy), but I have one more to offer you. In your third and fourth stanzas especially, you've mangled grammar a wee bit and you really don't need to (some would argue that you NEVER need to, even if you're trying to fit into a rhyme scheme).

Her name I scream, -- I scream her name
the touch I crave, -- I crave her touch (I agree that "her" is more atmospheric than "the")
once more I long to hold it in.

Spirals floating, -- no comma required
upward bravely, -- bravely upward
so soon, she's gone from me again.

I look forward to seeing what you make of this, it's a good start.

[Wildcard]

First of all, thanks for all the input, you guys (and Leanne.) =-)

This poem comes from a much longer piece that I wrote. That I have failed to get my point across is evident. To address a few of the suggestions:

Billy: Now that you bring it to my attention, I'm noticing how hopelessly vague my poem became when I adapted it from the original. Thanks for the suggestion concerning imagery. I will definitely try a rewrite.

Heslopian: You were the first to bring up the her/it descrepancy. I can see you're point and I will certainly consider changing 'it.' <- hehe as far as the wording in the first verse, I hadn't considered the different tense there. Many thanks for speaking up.

Todd: Your post encapsulates the pleasant, helpful attitude of this forum. I'm a member of a couple of technical forums and being so accustomed to the constant 'newbie' hatred, I find this forum very refreshing. I will consider a new opening line (or perhaps a title change, but I think not)


Leanne: The warm welcome is appreciated, as was the compliment. I think I see what you mean about the syntax and I'll give it a go.

Now a question: When browsing the forums, I kept running into suggestions that included syllable counting in reference to meter. In this piece I arbitrarily chose to use two, four syllable lines in conjunction with one eight syllable line. How hard are you laughing right now? I just wanted some structure (I am a songwriter if that explains anything) and don't know much about that sort of thing. Some of the comments would have me break that rhythm. Is that for the best?

Thanks for all the suggestions. I will try an edit soon and re-post.

[Leanne]

A lot of people will have you believe that meter is all about the number of syllables -- but although we have all these technical names for different kinds of metric "feet", at the end of the day the syllables are far less important than the stresses, or the beats.

When you say a line aloud, have the rhythm fixed in your head already. If the stresses don't fall in the right places without you having to change the emphasis on certain words, it's not right. It's very hard to explain it in text, but the best thing to do is keep making mistakes so we can fix them and show you what you're doing, since you're the one who can hear it

Also, some of the changes we'll suggest might have to do with the way two words sound together. Sound is king in poetry -- no matter how clever a phrase, if it sounds horrible when you read it you're not going to be impressed.

[Wildcard]

daughter of lust,
claiming me now,
shrouding my eyes in misery.

pressing me down,
soon I will fall,
'neath all the pain she gives to me.

yearning to touch, I
worship the taste,
once more I long to hold her in.

in spirals she's drifting,
skyward bravely,
so soon, she's gone from me again.

---

I JUST realized I misspelled 'obsession' in the title haha I'm a dork

[billy]

Now a question: When browsing the forums, I kept running into suggestions that included syllable counting in reference to meter. In this piece I arbitrarily chose to use two, four syllable lines in conjunction with one eight syllable line. How hard are you laughing right now? I just wanted some structure (I am a songwriter if that explains anything) and don't know much about that sort of thing. Some of the comments would have me break that rhythm. Is that for the best?

Thanks for all the suggestions. I will try an edit soon and re-post.

sometimes we may say would such work better than such, using it may screw up the meter a bit. you're choice as the author if you like the advice;
is to try and make it fit your scheme. often if we take a piece of advice and use it, it causes problems in the next line, just do a work around to get the scheme back. if you decide you can't make it work and feel the advice can't be used, thats good as well. it isn't all about using the feedback you get. it's ALL ABOUT WEIGHING UP THE FEEDBACK and doing with it what you think is best. bear in mind that if 4 or 5 people people make a point as to how something doesn't work for them, then the odds are it needs a good looking at

your song writing talent shines through many of the pieces you've done.
just remember that a lot more cliché tends be be accepted in lyrics than the poetry

all the above is jmo

[billy]

i copied and pasted the edit above the original, it makes it easier for the reader to compare

2nd Try

daughter of lust,
claiming me now,
shrouding my eyes in misery. the image works. though it is a little cliche

pressing me down,
soon I will fall,
'neath all the pain she gives to me.

yearning to touch, I 'I yearn to touch get's rid of a gerund, (ing word)
worship the taste, this new line works on more than one level
once more I long to hold her in.

in spirals she's drifting, off meter, would 'in spiral drifts,' help correct it or something similar?
skyward bravely,
so soon, she's gone from me again.

the edit feels better than the 1st one AA. with the new ist line it has a rock kind of feel with it and is much better than using the title there,

thanks for the edit (jmo.)

[Todd]

Regarding the revision:

L7: you've set a distinct rhythm. The I in this line breaks it. You may want to cut it.

L9: you end with an in and you begin line 10 with an in. It would be much stronger to eliminate one of them and make use of enjambment between the lines by allowing the lines to flow together.

Finally, you have a real staccato beat on the opening two lines of each strophe. Are you sure that gives you the tone you want? I would suggest reading it out loud and ask yourself if the rhythm supports the tone and content.

Best,

Todd

[Wildcard]

Thanks for the suggestions, Billy. I noticed the 'spirals' thing, but the previous comments made me realize that I didn't make it clear that it was her spiraling away. I'll give it some more thought, but I have to find a way to keep the meaning . . . I'm kinda starting to like that part.

[billy]

in that case you could (and this is only a suggestion) use;

she spiral drifts
skyward bravely,
so soon, she's gone from me again.

which work in well with all the other s sounds.

hope it helps

[Wildcard]

Given everyone's advice I've tried another re-write. I tried to pay more attention to the meter, but when I hear it in my head, it should start like: (DAUGHter of lust, CLAIMing me now) I'm sure that's wrong somehow, but I don't quite understand the different types of poems well.

When reading other poetry, how does one recognize the meter and type (unless its the oddball terza rima or something) without knowing the author's intent? Anyway, this is what I came up with.

Daughter of lust,
claiming me now,
visions draped in misery.

Pressing me down,
soon I will fall,
'neath the pain she gives to me.

Ache for her touch,
worship the taste,
once more I long to hold her in.

Drifting in spirals
skyward so bravely,
too soon, she's gone from me again.

[ckeo]

The first two stanza's look heavy metal rage like,
the third like a whine and the last somewhere in between.
I would love to see you stick to the same mood as the first two,
I think you have something there.

Please don't take anything I said as negative, because it is not meant to be, however I am a straight forward person and I value truth over feelings.

You are not alone not understanding all the diff styles and stuff, I am new to all of this myself and have been reading a bit but have trouble understanding what I am reading.

Welcome to the forum.

[Wildcard]

Hi ck,
Thanks for your thoughts. I wrote this with a specific point in mind, but no one has figured it out. To me, that means that I haven't done my job. I want very badly to tell everybody what it is about and then see if they get it, but I know that the point is to make them understand within the context of the poem.
I agree that there are two different feels to the halves. The title is implying that this desire is unhealthy. My attempt was to show both sides: the toxic nature and the uncontrollable desire. That being said, I appreciate your feedback. I will try a rewrite from the second part down and see where it takes me. After all, any practice is good pracitce, right?

[billy]

i think that's pretty straight forward AA, it's about heroin, if not it could be,
personally i think the original version was better because the images were stronger it. jmo

i say heroin because of the spirals and the holding in. two functions of chasing the dragon, like i usually say, i'm probably wrong, but it does work for me on that level.

[Wildcard]

If this is bumping then BUMP BUMP BUMP

I have been working on this one for a while because I was never able to get the feeling I wanted into it. I did a (nearly) complete rewrite. (I edited the OP, but because of pagination I'm posting it here also for easy access):

Daughter of lust claim me.
I expire in you
and breathe in your cloud
of jet black pain

Pressing me down into a hole,
shovel in hand--
I dig you
down.

Not drowning, worshiping the water I inhale . . .
I inhale you
and exhale all of me,
but still you leave me
weaker than before.

[Erthona]

Daughter of lust, trochee, iambic
claiming me now, trochee, iambic
visions draped in misery. dactyl (in)dactyl

That's the pattern if scanned in meter, except you change the last line in stanzas 3 & 4 to straight iambs

too soon, she's gone from me again.



But you are not writing this as meter, you are writing it like you would song lyrics, which is why it has a triplet feel to it, especially the first two lines of each stanza.

When you write lyrics, you have much more flexibility in that the words do not have to conform exactly to the same notes as the last verse. You can break a quarter note into two eight notes to accommodate a word that has two syllable instead of one.

It is true you do break the pattern in the last two stanzas, in the third line, but it is the same difference in both 3 & 4.

Todd has a valid point, since you set up such a rigid pattern in the first two stanzas, one tends to expect it in the third, and when it changes, it can be disruptive.

The difference between poetry and music is, poetry uses the stressed syllable as the marker, and music uses the lenght of the note to denote what should be stressed or not, regardless if it is a stressed syllable. In music an unstressed syllable can be stressed by pairing it with a half note.

This probably seems to work just fine to you, because I bet you have a beat or even music (in your head) going as you're reading this, and it conforms perfectly with that. But poems are based on syllable stress (well most forms are) not note lenght.
-----------------------------------------------------

In terms of the content, I like this version better, as it is more consistent, and you stick with the basic metaphor of personifying the obsession as a woman. I'm not sold on the image you use in the 4th stanza. I'm not sure what

"Drifting in spirals
skyward so bravely,"

have to do with losing the high, especially "bravely".

"Drifting in spirals skyward"

might work if you were talking about smoking it, but bump would seem to indicate otherwise. However, I look back and see you used inhaled before so maybe you are. It can be, it's just not a common...route... to use.

This is similar to the imagery used in "Hey Jude" but of course that was not about drug use (wink, wink).

Let her out and let her in.
Let her into your heart.
Let her under your skin.

Addiction as woman or woman as addiction is a fairly common vehicle, especially in song lyrics, more so than in poetry.

Lucinda Williams wrote a song called "Essence" that was a you're my drug song, that this kind of reminds me of, although they are the inverse of each other, it has a similar feel.

"Baby, sweet baby, whisper my name
Shoot your love into my vein"


Anyway, I think you've made a lot of progress just over the rewrites of this poem.

Dale

[Wildcard]

Dale thanks for the feedback. I think you really made some great points and I'll admit I do have a sort of 'tune' in mind when I read this. I will try to eliminate that from my future readings.

You mentioned obsessions being referred to as women commonly. Does this weaken my poem and make it cliche? Should I search for another comparison entirely? The reason I chose to make it a her is because in my fantasy(that's how I come up with this shit) I see this in female form, but maybe that's just because subliminally that's in my head from all the hippie music I've listened to.

As far as keeping a consistent rhythm, I have tried to understand meter but I'm obviously not there yet. Thanks again for all your help. Your being a musician is undoubtedly helping you to see where my shortcomings stem from.