Late night again

[maddie4u]

Little does one know of the parenting I do,

have you looked into the saddest of small eyes,

and heard the bell of a harsh world ring true?



Knowing all you have learned,

and "it is what it is"

doesn't lesson the burn,

doesn't make it easier for my kids.



Cameron who acts allot like me,

wanting to appear tough,

rarely admitting how bad he is hurting.


Sometimes you have to,

busy your mind with other stuff,

do what you have to do,

our little family has had it ruff



at 9 years old he doesn't know yet,

the perfect storm he is creating,

what is held in will come out,

its just a matter of waiting.



The smallest will never know,

who his father was and what he acted like,

Blake left never knowing the seed that we sewed

life doesn't always turn out right



I am left the mommy,

hoping and wanting to do them right,

all I can do is listen and love them,

kiss and hold them tight.



Tell them that Daddy loved them,

enough for all eternity,

and even though I know Im not him,

strong is the love born from maternity

[billy]

hi maddie.

first off, it's great to see you posting.
can i ask if you did a copy and paste with the poem or are the
line spaces intended, if they are then for me it draws the poem out too much,

the poem sounds really personal, which adds an extra dimension of realism. the thing with personal poems is that they often taint
honest and helpful feedback, because of that i'll just read it as A poem.

the poem feels really heartfelt but it also feels a bit loose. (which could just be all that empty space. )

personally i would remove the first line. it feels like the poem is seeking sympathy instead of explaining the late night which is in the title.
it would read as;


Have you looked into the saddest of small eyes,
and heard the bell of a harsh world ring true?

Knowing all you have learned,
and "it is what it is"
doesn't lesson the burn,
doesn't make it easier for my kids.

if you can, see if there's anywhere else you can tighten the poem up
the narrative evokes the emotions that control the tear ducts.
it has an honesty that works well.

the 2nd thing is the rhyme scheme. in places there are no rhymes. in many places they're are.
if you use a rhyme scheme try and keep it consistent.

i hope what i said helps, feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with.

thanks for the read, hope to see more

[addy]

This piece has a lot of heart in it... the language reads as very honest and earnest, and it works well. That last line summed it up beautifully. It needs a little touch-up with some misspelled words (change "lesson" to lessen", "sewed" to "sowed", etc) but that's just superficial and easily editable.

There are parts of the poem where you switch into a second person narrative: "Have you looked into the saddest...", "Knowing all you have learned...", etc. Personally i think it's better if you kept if first person: "Knowing all I have learned...", "Sometimes I have to busy my mind..." etc. Just a suggestion though. Thanks for sharing this

[maddie4u]

hi maddie.

first off, it's great to see you posting.
can i ask if you did a copy and paste with the poem or are the
line spaces intended, if they are then for me it draws the poem out too much,

the poem sounds really personal, which adds an extra dimension of realism. the thing with personal poems is that they often taint
honest and helpful feedback, because of that i'll just read it as A poem.

the poem feels really heartfelt but it also feels a bit loose. (which could just be all that empty space. )

personally i would remove the first line. it feels like the poem is seeking sympathy instead of explaining the late night which is in the title.
it would read as;


Have you looked into the saddest of small eyes,
and heard the bell of a harsh world ring true?

Knowing all you have learned,
and "it is what it is"
doesn't lesson the burn,
doesn't make it easier for my kids.

if you can, see if there's anywhere else you can tighten the poem up
the narrative evokes the emotions that control the tear ducts.
it has an honesty that works well.

the 2nd thing is the rhyme scheme. in places there are no rhymes. in many places they're are.
if you use a rhyme scheme try and keep it consistent.

i hoe what i said helps, feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with.

thanks for the read, hope to see more

[billy]

if you need a hand getting round the controls maddie, just give one of the mods a pm

[maddie4u]

hi maddie.

first off, it's great to see you posting.
can i ask if you did a copy and paste with the poem or are the
line spaces intended, if they are then for me it draws the poem out too much,

the poem sounds really personal, which adds an extra dimension of realism. the thing with personal poems is that they often taint
honest and helpful feedback, because of that i'll just read it as A poem.

the poem feels really heartfelt but it also feels a bit loose. (which could just be all that empty space. )

personally i would remove the first line. it feels like the poem is seeking sympathy instead of explaining the late night which is in the title.
it would read as;


Have you looked into the saddest of small eyes,
and heard the bell of a harsh world ring true?

Knowing all you have learned,
and "it is what it is"
doesn't lesson the burn,
doesn't make it easier for my kids.

if you can, see if there's anywhere else you can tighten the poem up
the narrative evokes the emotions that control the tear ducts.
it has an honesty that works well.

the 2nd thing is the rhyme scheme. in places there are no rhymes. in many places they're are.
if you use a rhyme scheme try and keep it consistent.

i hope what i said helps, feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with.

thanks for the read, hope to see more

Hi Billy...Im not sure if this is even how I am supposed to respond back to you...I guess we shall see. I wanted to thank you for the AWESOME reply to my poem. When I posted it I had no clue people would actually read it,after all,its just me.lol Nor did I think I would get a honest and real impression of what I tried to say in the poem. I thank you for your time,honesty and words to the wise....It has inspired me. xo

[billy]

yep this okay, or just type in the box at the bottom, or just hit the new reply button
between us we read everything