I am the Boss

[maddie4u]

I am the Boss

If you wanted a reaction,
you shouldn't have looked here.
no more crying,
never again a tear.

Its easy to say,
when you look in,
knowing what you may,
this battle you'll never win.

There is a fine line,
loved ones do cross.
I am hardened through time
be what it may I am the boss.

Did you wash the hands,
of the fingers you pointed.
you and your angry demands
will not get you what you wanted.

Amazing your timing is,
with the lashings you bring,
do you feel better,
now your angry heart sang?

So easily you judge,
so little you know,
in with the hurt,
then out the door you go.

As I am still finding my way,
my life has been thrown off,
all the hurtful things that you could say,
mean nothing I am not soft.

How easy to forget,
how hard it was for you,
all the standards never met,
all the days you spent blue.

So judge me all you like,
I will not react to you,
for what is good I will fight,
you couldn't walk a mile in my shoes.

Maddie


**note** I am new to this...In my life it is unusual for me to openly share emotion. I am not a poet by any means...it just seems to be a filter for my emotion that allows me to feel and just be. I enjoy the anonymity of posting on this site and I want to thank anyone who takes the time to read what I write. Like I said,Im not a poet moreover,Im a person with allot of stuff on her mind.

[abu nuwas]

I had better prefix my comments by repeating that I am not a good critic, and tend always to be harsh.

So, well, yes. Let me divide what i have to say between content, and the way you have expressed it.

I gain the strong impression that whether or not the Nasty Swine could walk in your shoes, there is more wishful thinking in the striving to be in control. However, with such personal stuff, and the ins and outs of a relationship, it is rather foolish to make such guesses, and I shall therefore hurry on to carping about your style etc....

My sense is, that, new to this game, you have the idea that there should be plenty of rhyme, and so you have got it in. Whether it helps convey your feelings I am not sure, but to me it has a forced feel in a good many places--- but it may be, that it is not the rhyme, but the meter (or absence of it) which gives your poem a wonky feel.

I think, for what it is worth, that your feeling and desire to express it is strong enough. This could be a first draft, and go many ways: re-cast in some traditional meter, or free verse even, and the less I say, the better it will be. Remember you can enjoy 'getting it out' and then separately turning it into something you are really proud of, as a craftsman can cut a rough diamond, and then polish away, until it has some beautiful shape, like the old rose-cut. Good luck with that, and The Problem!

[maddie4u]

I had better prefix my comments by repeating that I am not a good critic, and tend always to be harsh.

So, well, yes. Let me divide what i have to say between content, and the way you have expressed it.

I gain the strong impression that whether or not the Nasty Swine could walk in your shoes, there is more wishful thinking in the striving to be in control. However, with such personal stuff, and the ins and outs of a relationship, it is rather foolish to make such guesses, and I shall therefore hurry on to carping about your style etc....

My sense is, that, new to this game, you have the idea that there should be plenty of rhyme, and so you have got it in. Whether it helps convey your feelings I am not sure, but to me it has a forced feel in a good many places--- but it may be, that it is not the rhyme, but the meter (or absence of it) which gives your poem a wonky feel.

I think, for what it is worth, that your feeling and desire to express it is strong enough. This could be a first draft, and go many ways: re-cast in some traditional meter, or free verse even, and the less I say, the better it will be. Remember you can enjoy 'getting it out' and then separately turning it into something you are really proud of, as a craftsman can cut a rough diamond, and then polish away, until it has some beautiful shape, like the old rose-cut. Good luck with that, and The Problem!

wow...your "sense" is that of an FBI profiler r!lol sorta.Thats all I am going to say about that.
At the risk of sounding like a complete idiot I need to ask you some questions,if you dont mind. What do you mean by meter? What is a free verse version?
I think I may need to admit I am out of my league here...I hope it doesn't offend people that I post here. I am eager to learn how to better express myself,it has always been an issue. If you know of a more suitable place for me,i wont be offend if you share. I truly enjoyed reading your reply and can tell by your words,you are a very smart well versed person. Thankyou for taking time out to share your thoughts with me.

[abu nuwas]

YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST post here--and ask questions! There are some v good people, and a big mixture.


I had meant to add that much is lost by not knowing how a person speaks: there are numerous accents here in the UK (some incomprehensible!) and similarly, as you know, in the US. A particular person will have a different lilt from his neighbour-- so, often, when I read, I hear no rhythm, where there really is some. There is some audio poetry on here you may find interesting.

Meter is to do with stress.

De DA de DA de DA de DA de DA is an example. De DA is called iambic. Each de DA is a foot. So because there are five feet (De DA) in my example here, that is called iambic pentameter. I use it because it seems to come naturally to English speakers, and it was what Shakespeare used like this:

You BLOCKS you STONES you WORSE than SENSEless THINGS

There are many other types of meter (including DA de), and you can have as many 'feet' as you wish.

I fear that if I begin with my idea of free verse, I will do more to confuse than enlighten.

---

PS If you look n the 'Miscellaneous poetry' threads you ill see one dealing specifically with meter, and another giving more of Leanne's wise insights. They are well worth reading. Really!

[Leanne]

Maddie, all poets are pretty much just people with a lot to say, looking for the best way to say it, and we all start somewhere. Nobody here is going to mind AT ALL if you ask loads of questions -- in fact it makes us feel rather important and useful, so ask away

Now, this is only the mild critique forum and I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll just give you one single piece of advice: when you're writing rhyme, don't force your grammar into strange shapes to make the rhyme fit (as in "amazing your timing is" or "this battle you'll never win"). There's almost always a way to say it that sounds natural, and if it doesn't fit with the rhyme, it's better to change the rhyme. This comes with experience though, it's just something to bear in mind.

You have some wonderfully strong things to say. I especially like your opening lines -- there's nothing the ex will hate more than being ignored, or just not mattering. I know from experience it really bugs them when you get on with your life and don't pay them a second thought

If you would feel more comfortable having detailed (but nice, I promise) advice, you might like to post in the novice forum. There we expect people to be new to poetry and have a little more room to guide you through all the difficult bits.

Wherever you post, it's good to see you jumping in.

[billy]

in fact asking is maddatory (play on words, did anyone notice it?) if you want to improve.
i only just learned how to do iambic pentameter from leanne. something i thought i already
knew. so please ask and ask and ask, and if something still eluding you, ask again.
i saw you leaving feedback in the novice section. keep doing it. and it will help with your own poetry as well.
i think you'll find many poets are at a similar place to where you say you are as well.

now to your poem.
one of the thins i noticed was packing, (words that don't add to the poem)

Did you wash the hands,
of the fingers you pointed.
angry demands will not get
you what you wanted.

Did you wash the hands,
of the fingers you pointed.
you and your angry demands
will not get you what you wanted.

in a poem of this sort it often helps to keep it sharp, tight compact etc.
the opening two lines are my favourite because they set up the poem really well.
and they have a bit of attitude.

you'll be surprised at how you improved, 5 or 6 months from now

[Wildcard]

I am the Boss

If you wanted a reaction, (many of the lines seem more complex than they need to be. Sometimes simple is better, maybe: If you want a reaction, you shouldn't look here)
you shouldn't have looked here.
no more crying,
never again a tear.

Its easy to say, (your meter doesn't seem consistent, but Leanne will get you going with that soon enough. She is a pro.)
when you look in,
knowing what you may,
this battle you'll never win.

There is a fine line,
loved ones do cross.
I am hardened through time
be what it may I am the boss.

Did you wash the hands,
of the fingers you pointed.
you and your angry demands
will not get you what you wanted.

Amazing your timing is,
with the lashings you bring,
do you feel better,
now your angry heart sang?

So easily you judge,
so little you know,
in with the hurt, (this is my favorite line. It raps up nicely and says a lot about this man who takes but does not give)
then out the door you go.

As I am still finding my way,
my life has been thrown off,
all the hurtful things that you could say,
mean nothing I am not soft.

How easy to forget, (In this part, does 'you' mean the swine or the narrator?)
how hard it was for you,
all the standards never met,
all the days you spent blue.

So judge me all you like,
I will not react to you,
for what is good I will fight,
you couldn't walk a mile in my shoes.

Maddie

Maddie, your poem is so honest. It drew me in from the beginning and even though I felt the wording got a little jumbled now and then, the revealing nature of the poem made me like you and your story so much that I thoroughly enjoyed it. That's a powerful tool in writing anything: the ability to 'win' from the reader or listener the right of their interest. With a little digging in the novice forum, I'd be willing to bet you can tighten up this poem and have it all shiney before you know it!
Oh, and for newbies like me, reading your poetry and hearing your questions are great. It gives me new perspective hearing the same (or nearly the same) advice I've gotten applied to a poem that I can be objective about. By posting more of your work and asking more questions, you are making it better for all the newcomers. Just saying . . . keep posting for sure.[/b]