Kristallnacht

[Aish]

Stormtroopers
curse break and steal
in tinkling murmurs as

crisp glass shivers, snaps
concusses
through the November night.
Lives disappear. Triumphant

vandals
ransack and burn the soul of God.

Demonic gingerbread
will bake in greedy
ovens.

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

Love the idea for the poem. I'm surprised I haven't seen more on the subject. Here are some comments for you.

Stormtroopers--I like stormtroopers as a lead in. I'm not always a fan of one word lines, but this works for me because it fixes the setting with the title immediately. I also like the stormtroopers-vandals-ovens single word lines as they stand out together.
curse break and steal--This is a short poem and a brutal one so while I feel that I want this expressed more with imagery I don't want any kind of flourish to it if that makes sense. When I read this line though it feels like shorthand for the event and that seems to rob it of its intensity. I want the poem to build more here. This could just be me.
all through the November--if you keep steal as the break on the previous line I think by cutting all you emphasize more strongly the double meaning of the word (steal) with the enjambment
night. Lives disappear. Triumphant--good break
vandals
ransack and burn the soul of God.--here's where the poem takes off for me. This line and everything after it sings. The idea of burning god by burning those who consider themselves the people of god is well said here.
Demonic gingerbread
will bake in greedy
ovens.--what a powerful image. Powerful is overused but this has definite impact. I love the ending.

In my opinion, concentrating on elevating the beginning of the poem to match the ending lines would be where I'd look to revise. I'd love to see if you could come up with imagery in the beginning to match the demonic gingerbread image at the end.

Just my thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[abu nuwas]

It would be exaggerating to say that this captures that night,or the days around it. But it does seize a moment, and bring it to a nasty rough life. It is as difficult as task as can be, to write of jagged times, and yet make it complete, and expressive of that jaggedness. Bad events are not encapsulated by bad writing, so well done. I suppose I find it hard to think of that time without referring to the reason it acquired its horrible name: the smashing of glass, in shops and home-- so I would have expected something touching on that.

I recall being tremendously affected by opening a parcel which contained the effects of a survivor-- a rough wooden Star of David, hanging on the crudest rope. The impact Todd speaks of comes from that kind of sensation, and made me wonder whether, were the title something very innocent 'Unter den Linden' or something, the introduction of Kristallnacht to-wards the end would not increase all that? Maybe?

E

[Aish]

I want to thank both of you for your gracious and helpful critiques. I sought to keep this short and tight in order to steer clear of rambling diatribes which I didn't feel would lend any more emotion or shed new light on such a polarizing event.
I have added two lines.

Abu, survivor artifacts and scrolls always make me shiver and softly weep. There is an energy to them that is palpable. I will consider your suggestion regarding the title.

Todd, are the line breaks alright?

[Todd]

Aish, I like the new lines. The breaks look good. Let me make one suggestion though.

crisp glass snaps, shivers
through the November night.

If you end the line on shivers instead of snaps you get to have it play off of november night the cold real and metaphorical, and be the vibration of the breaking glass. Snaps works a little in this regard because of the idea of a cold snap but I think shivers is a bit stronger (imo).

Overall, I think adding more breaking glass elements and the tinkling murmurs are good touches. I like your God line as you have it. I toyed with moving of God down a line but the impact of the line is on burning the soul of God and the echo that implies people which that break would supply doesn't add much and I think weakens what you have already. It's a good edit.

Best,

Todd

[abu nuwas]

My understanding is that this was largely carried out by the SA, something of a rag-tag mob.

The 'soul of God' is v apt, as these people took it on themselves to attack numerous synagogues, ripping out the holy books and anything else. and the word is very close to the breath or spirit of
god which is mentioned in Genesis and pops up in Arabic as 'Ruhullah'. I have no family who were affected, but my late wife was partly Jewish, and was. Ironically, 10h November was her birthday. Enough of such personal tittle tattle!

The new look seems good, but the more I look at the final lines, the better i think they are --not v technical, but that's my best!

[billy]

Stormtroopers for me SA stormtroopers or brownshirts would have held more power.
curse break and steal curse, break and steal, feels a little weak considering wit was the onslaught of the holocaust, for me these three words should be really powerful and strong.
in tinkling murmurs as is as needed?

crisp glass shivers, snaps love this line
concusses again it feels a little weak, would something like smashes work, as an example?
through the November night. would it read better as through November nights. as what happened did so over two nights at the beginning.
Lives disappear. Triumphant, for me the period spoils the meaning and the enjambment, without it, it's the best line of the poem and perfect a perfect enjambment

vandals
ransack and burn the soul of God. beautiful poignant line

Demonic gingerbread
will bake in greedy
ovens. the last verse though ominous feels too obvious, for me the poem ended after God.

it seems i had a lot to say but don't be fooled. i really really like what you have going here as a great core. the poem is obviously about the start of the holocaust, a much finer point to make than the killing to follow. we all know how people died and are all to some extent ashamed. but this get to the first days. the days that should have really mattered to the german peoples. it begs the question why. a very sad piece that for me needs to be as powerful as those two nights were. THE START OF THE HOLOCAUST. it's the reason i said what i did about curse break and steal curse. for me they did much worse. defiled is too good a word to use but thats what they did to everyone alive and living. oops, i'm effin ranting aren't i. sorry Aish.

it is a good, better than good poem with the potential to be excellent. jmo
thanks for the read.

[Todd]

i'm not sure about concusses. I'm not fond of the word as you have it here and unlike the one word line nouns to me at least it doesn't feel strong enough to hold the line alone. It could just be my bias of course.

[Todd]

You know I've been reading and thinking about this more, I know this is a bit extreme but maybe consider cutting S1 entirely.

[heslopian]

I loved everything except the last sentenc:

"Demonic gingerbread
will bake in greedy
ovens."

This sounds a bit too cute to me and takes the edge off what is otherwise an intense poem.
"Lives disappear" was excellent in its concise and sinister effect, while this part:

"Triumphant
vandals
ransack and burn the soul of God."

while I think you don't need the adjective "triumphant", is beautifully angry and transgressive.
Thanks for the read Aish.