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1st edit
At the foot of the world
I am the spider
in the center of pearlescent secrets
intentionally disguised
as delicate.
Original
Quote:At the foot of the world,
I am the spider
in the center, of pearlescent secrets
intentionally disguised.
As delicate.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Like just about every other piece of poetry I have read... I have no clue what it is about. (its something I am struggling with)
How ever, it is beautiful I really like "pearlescent secrets"
and "intentionally disguised"
I do not like the last line .
ending it at disguised leaves me pondering as to how, which I really like.
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can you post the original with the revision Aish, so we can compare
i remember it but not well enough to say anything about the edit
Posts: 259
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Sure! Sorry!
Billy - I can't seem to mesh the two, and I don't want to leave off the suggestions...been away too long maybe. Will you fix it for me???? Please???? Thanks.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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08-23-2011, 11:21 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-23-2011, 11:22 AM by billy.)
no probs,
first thing that hits me is the colour difference, the edit is much more
readable. the 2nd thing that hits me is the comma or should i say it doesn't
in such a short poem those two edits lift it higher, i already enjoyed the original so as it is now is a bonus.
thanks for the read and the edit.
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08-23-2011, 11:32 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-23-2011, 11:32 AM by Todd.)
I think the edit works. It's always interesting the impact even small changes make. You could probably even eliminate your final period.
It's good work.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 259
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Thank you each for the feedback!
