Women

[heslopian]

I marvel at how dignified
women are in suffering.
A second layer of lipstick,
a martini to muster up
the social graces mother spent
her adulthood teaching you.

As men surrender to the mad
excesses of the soul's decline,
their lady friends straighten
their skirts, prepare the chicken,
beat the rugs, smile till
the muscles ache.

Even my stepmother kept
her hair blonde, her legs well-trimmed,
the blush of her cheeks a decoration
and not a drunk's deformity.
I marvel at how dignified
women are in suffering.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

A few comments for you:

I marvel at how dignified--in this instance at least I would consider pulling women are up to this line. You lose the surprise of the enjambment later. I know this would make L2 short
women are in suffering.
A second layer of lipstick,
a martini to muster up
the social graces mother spent--love these lines. It's like a sort of armor
her adulthood teaching you.--I don't think you need the you

As men surrender to the mad--might be stronger pulling excesses up to end this line
excesses of the soul's decline,
their lady friends straighten--great break. Love the enjambment and the use of straighten
their skirts, prepare the chicken,
beat the rugs, smile till
the muscles ache.--this feels like a previous generation to some extent but I love all those specific actions you chose

Even my stepmother kept
her hair blonde, her legs well trimmed,--do you need a hyphen between well and trimmed?
the blush of her cheeks a decoration
and not a drunk's deformity.--explains the earlier use of even...maybe simply though "her blush a decoration" I like the contrast with the drunk's deformity
I marvel at how dignified
women are in suffering.--this could just be me but I keep wanting you to mix this up rather than simple repetition. Maybe:

How dignified women are in suffering.
I marvel.

Or some variation. Maybe break on are Again, might just be me.

Enjoyable read. Just some thoughts

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind words and feedback Todd I only use hyphens when someone notices their absence because it drives me to distraction figuring out where they belong, so I'll make the edit now. Thanks for the heads up.

[billy]

sorry i'm late getting to this jack.

I marvel at how dignified the enjambment feels off
women are in suffering.
A second layer of lipstick, great image which work really well with 'in suffering' (i don't know why, it just does)
a martini to muster up is up needed? capital M in martini
the social graces mother spent
her adulthood teaching you.
i like the way the title is basic. i think it's perfect for the 1st verse, the use of the martini creates the best image for me.

As men surrender to the mad would madding work better?
excesses of the soul's decline,
their lady friends straighten is their needed?
their skirts, prepare the chicken,
beat the rugs, smile till would till work better on the next line?
the muscles ache.

Even my stepmother kept i like the dual meaning of this line. would a comma after stepmother intensify it?
her hair blonde, her legs well-trimmed,
the blush of her cheeks a decoration
and not a drunk's deformity.
I marvel at how dignified would a simple (i marvel) work better than the whole repetition.
women are in suffering.

my real not is the opening line, it feels like i'm left hanging unnecessarily
the only solution i can think of without changing the words and without making the first line too long would be;

I marvel
how dignified
women are in suffering.

just an idea for you to ponder.

the content i thought was excellent. i love the way you put an insight into play. and how it makes the reader say; yeah, i've noticed the very same thing. and it's done in an original way. jmo
thanks for the read as always.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Bilbo

[billy]

please follow the guidelines when leaving feedback this is not the serious critique forum/mod

sorry for the in-depth jack.

[Aish]

I marvel at how dignified I am on the bandwagon with pulling 'women are' up into the first line
women are in suffering.
A second layer of lipstick,
a martini to muster up
the social graces mother spent
her adulthood teaching you. 'mother spent her adulthood' reads as if you are speaking of your own mother, not universal mothers. I adore the sentiment, but not the wording.

As men surrender to the mad
excesses of the soul's decline,
their lady friends straighten
their skirts, prepare the chicken, is 'their' necessary? Perhaps a detail such as 'prim'?
beat the rugs, smile till
the muscles ache.

Even my stepmother kept
her hair blonde, her legs well-trimmed, Is the second 'her' necessary? Once again maybe a small detail, 'long' or 'tan' or whatever.
the blush of her cheeks a decoration
and not a drunk's deformity.
I marvel at how dignified
women are in suffering. I do adore the repetition at the end, as well as your observations throughout.