Honed (2nd Revision))

[ckeo]

(2nd Revision)

The bronze swaggers, falling away
tender.. glistening with moist
drifting fog, falls to ashes on the pavement
exhaled anticipation, graceful gravity


Drifting sighs, glancing and dancing
portals admonishing, warm rivers to swim
yellow irony, into parchement bled
my tide has fallen, a new ones begins


Stuck eyed while turning, lava cuts deep
light as was beckoned, a change in her gait
pride in serenity, old wanting and waning
pastels with quills.. voiced inside the keep.
~ck~




--------------------------------------

(revised)
The bronze swaggers, falling away
tender.. glistening with moist
drifting fog, falls to ashes on the pavement
exhaled anticipation, graceful with smite


Drifting sighs, glancing and dancing
portals admonishing, warm rivers to swim
yellow irony, into parchement bled
where tides have fallen, new ones begin


Stuck eyed while turning, lava cuts deep
light as was beckoned, a change in her gait
pride in serenity, old wanting and waning
pastels with quills.. voiced inside the keep.
~ck~



------------------------------------------
(original)
The bronze swaggers, falling away
tender.. glistening with moist
drifting fog, falls to ashes on the pavement
exhaled anticipation, graceful with smite


Drifting sighs, glancing and dancing
portals admonishing, warm rivers to swim
yellow irony, into parchement bled
where tides have fallen, new ones begin


Stuck eyed while turning, lava cuts deep
light as was beconed, a change in gait
pride in serity, old wanting and waning
pastels with quills.. voiced inside the keep.
~ck~

[billy]

for me the poem is too far away from comprehension.
it needs an edit which lets the reader knows what's going on.
the title actually works well with the first line but then the
poem seems to wander and i get lost.
if i can give any advice to someone learning poetry, it would be;
keep it simple, keep it clear, and keep it concise. jmo

sorry i couldn't be more constructive with the poem.
thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

All I really get from this is a sense of feudal history, possibly being looked on with nostalgic wishing, but it is quite obscure. I quite like "bronze swaggers", but "graceful with smite" simply doesn't work at all for me as smite just can't be anything but a verb in my opinion -- and I can't imagine it as a graceful thing.

In the final stanza, do you mean "beaconed" and "serenity"? I do like "pastels with quills", which ties in well with my nostalgia reading.

[ckeo]

All I really get from this is a sense of feudal history, possibly being looked on with nostalgic wishing, but it is quite obscure. I quite like "bronze swaggers", but "graceful with smite" simply doesn't work at all for me as smite just can't be anything but a verb in my opinion -- and I can't imagine it as a graceful thing.

In the final stanza, do you mean "beaconed" and "serenity"? I do like "pastels with quills", which ties in well with my nostalgia reading.

Yes, beaconed and serenity lol... told you guys i was a horrible speller
I will correct it. maybe add in something I chopped out.


**oops... no I meant beckoned

---

for me the poem is too far away from comprehension.
it needs an edit which lets the reader knows what's going on.
the title actually works well with the first line but then the
poem seems to wander and i get lost.
if i can give any advice to someone learning poetry, it would be;
keep it simple, keep it clear, and keep it concise. jmo

sorry i couldn't be more constructive with the poem.
thanks for the read.

Its ok Billy... I did mask alot of things.
The title is referencing the last line....
;Bronze was the colour of her skin

[billy]

thing is CK, it's only ok if you don't want to improve.
if you do, then we'll try and help you to, it's why we're here.

as an experiment, write the poem as you would normally say it in everyday speech,
as if it was a story you were telling a friend. see what you come with. then from there
we can see how to improve it into a solid poem. just an idea mind but once you see the mechanism you'll realise
how to use it and abuse it.

[ckeo]

thing is CK, it's only ok if you don't want to improve.
if you do, then we'll try and help you to, it's why we're here.

as an experiment, write the poem as you would normally say it in everyday speech,
as if it was a story you were telling a friend. see what you come with. then from there
we can see how to improve it into a solid poem. just an idea mind but once you see the mechanism you'll realise
how to use it and abuse it.

I hear where you are coming from... that is actually how I did this one :/

[billy]

its hard to explain.

imagine you're explaining your poem to a ten year old in a way that it can understand.
as it is the ten year old will be hard pressed to know what you're saying.

if you can write it out that way, you'll have a starting point.
better yet what were you trying to say in the 1st verse?

please don't be offended. i realize what you're thinking...i thought the same way at one time
someone eventually helped me to get out of that 1st stage of trying to hard to write poetry.

so, what did the 1st verse mean?

[ckeo]

its hard to explain.

imagine you're explaining your poem to a ten year old in a way that it can understand.
as it is the ten year old will be hard pressed to know what you're saying.

if you can write it out that way, you'll have a starting point.
better yet what were you trying to say in the 1st verse?

please don't be offended. i realize what you're thinking...i thought the same way at one time
someone eventually helped me to get out of that 1st stage of trying to hard to write poetry.

so, what did the 1st verse mean?

she was the third wheel so to speak,,, walking with a couple appearing as if she was out of place kind of keeping a little distance like she wanted to show that she was alone.... i was sitting on the sidewalk next to 711 drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette, she looked at me and smiled with her eyes, which flattered me (im 42... she was perhaps 20ish.) She was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and had the most beautiful golden tan... i dont know if you ever looked at a girl and there was no dryness about her... its hard to explain. they went into the store and i lit up another cigarette waiting for them to come back outside.

[billy]

she was the third wheel so to speak,,, walking with a couple appearing as if she was out of place kind of keeping a little distance like she wanted to show that she was alone.... i was sitting on the sidewalk next to 711 drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette, she looked at me and smiled with her eyes, which flattered me (im 42... she was perhaps 20ish.) She was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and had the most beautiful golden tan... i dont know if you ever looked at a girl and there was no dryness about her... its hard to explain. they went into the store and i lit up another cigarette waiting for them to come back outside.

never ever in a moth of sundays would i have guessed thats what you were saying or implying. but guess what from this piece of prose i know everything. great stuff. now lets work on it. i promise you it won't be great (my poems never are plus this is your poem ) ;

She was a third wheel,
out of place amongst the couple.
I was sat on the sidewalk
next to 711 drinking coffee,
and smoking a cigarette.
She flattered me with a smile
(im 42... she was 20ish.),
had the most beautiful golden tan...
I don't know if you've ever looked at a girl,
and there was no dryness about her...
It's hard to explain.
They went into the store.
I lit up another cigarette
waiting for her to come back outside.

just check over the parts i removed. i changed almost none of your words. it would be great if you could try and do something similar.
we'll be here to help you.

and remember, all we're doing is finding a way to say what we mean in a way the reader can understand it. once we can do that we can be as arty farty as we like

[ckeo]

she was the third wheel so to speak,,, walking with a couple appearing as if she was out of place kind of keeping a little distance like she wanted to show that she was alone.... i was sitting on the sidewalk next to 711 drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette, she looked at me and smiled with her eyes, which flattered me (im 42... she was perhaps 20ish.) She was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and had the most beautiful golden tan... i dont know if you ever looked at a girl and there was no dryness about her... its hard to explain. they went into the store and i lit up another cigarette waiting for them to come back outside.

never ever in a moth of sundays would i have guessed thats what you were saying or implying. but guess what from this piece of prose i know everything. great stuff. now lets work on it. i promise you it won't be great (my poems never are plus this is your poem ) ;

She was a third wheel,
out of place amongst the couple.
I was sat on the sidewalk
next to 711 drinking coffee,
and smoking a cigarette.
She flattered me with a smile
(im 42... she was 20ish.),
had the most beautiful golden tan...
I don't know if you've ever looked at a girl,
and there was no dryness about her...
It's hard to explain.
They went into the store.
I lit up another cigarette
waiting for her to come back outside.

just check over the parts i removed. i changed almost none of your words. it would be great if you could try and do something similar.
we'll be here to help you.

and remember, all we're doing is finding a way to say what we mean in a way the reader can understand it. once we can do that we can be as arty farty as we like

Thank you Billy... I don't know why but revealing stuff in that way I find very difficult... I am trying to get past it, an insecurity perhaps, lack of confidence. I appreciate everyone's help and patience.. I am a little OCD.

[billy]

so am i, but you get the hang of it, just pretend we're all ten year old

[ckeo]

so am i, but you get the hang of it, just pretend we're all ten year old

k... i'm gonna be all like "See Pat run ! see Jane run" now

I will do my best... i'll post something new in a moment... I know where I want to be.. I just have to take little steps to get there.

[billy]

little steps is always the best way improve