Done

[Leanne]

As barren as the haggard womb,
the dream is fallen into dust
and all around the visions loom,
as barren as the haggard womb.
Those formless beasts, how they consume
the flesh of innocence and trust;
as barren as the haggard womb,
the dream is fallen into dust.

[heslopian]

Is the one comma needed? The poem I think would be pretty much perfect without that lone piece of punctuation. This is a splendid verse Leanne. Words like "haggard" and "barren", when in used in conjunction with words like "womb" and "dream", create a semantic field of cruelty. It reminds me of a passage from Job: "Let the stars of its dawn be dark; let it hope for light, but have none; may it not see the eyelids of the morning because it did not shut the doors of my mother's womb, and hide trouble from my eyes."

[Leanne]

I took the comma out and put it back, it reads wrong without it, though I might change it to a colon. I'm still tossing up on whether or not to use end-line punctuation. I don't like inconsistencies either

Thanks very much for your thoughtful comment, Jack.

[heslopian]

Would it help if you gave "how they consume" its own line?

[Leanne]

Can't do that, it's a triolet, I'm very anal about forms you know

Decided I'm just going to do full punctuation.

[heslopian]

Ah. I knew it was a form! I just couldn't for the life of me think which.

[billy]

As barren as the haggard womb,
the dream is fallen into dust
and all around the visions loom,
as barren as the haggard womb.
Those formless beasts, how they consume
the flesh of innocence and trust;
as barren as the haggard womb,
the dream is fallen into dust.

the form is spot in with the ABaAabAB scheme being followed perfectly.

i'm having a problem seeing the iambic tet in L5;

Those form/less beasts,/ how they /consume/

i read 'how they' as two short parts of a foot. and yes i'm not knowledgeable enough to be sure that 'how' can be a stressed part.

content wise i can't fault it. it's logical, for me poetry with form can often be illogical, specially forms with repetitive lines. it has that robust straightforwardness associated with such forms.

if i had a nit and it's a really small one; would 'vision looms' work better than 'visions loom' i say this because you wrote 'the dream is fallen' and not 'the dreams have fallen' i do realize that a dream can have many visions. (jmo)

thanks for the read and the lesson on how to write a triolet

[Leanne]

how shouldn't be the stressed part, they is (how's that for grammar?!)

those FORM/ less BEASTS/ how THEY/ conSUME

that's why I need the comma, really, to make sure there's a distinct pause as well as to make it grammatically correct, because even in poetry I hate making random departures from proper English This way, THEY is emphasised because it's directly related to the beasts clause.

Looms would bugger the rhyme :p Besides, to me a single vision is quite a bit different to the myriad visions present in a dream.

Many thanks, Billy, I don't mean to lecture, I just can't help myself it seems.

[billy]

good point on the looms thing.
and i'm a putz, i meant unstressed
but you explained what i wanted to know

i asked questions and you answered them, (i was being serious about the lesson btw, if you weren't here i'd be more stupid than i am on many forms )

[addy]

Form-wise its perfect. I love "haggard womb" and "formless beasts", that underbelly of unease and unplaceable danger it creates... it's a great counterpoint to the image of dreams, which when not used properly can be ephemeral and even boringly meaningless without appropriate context. Nicely done.

[Leanne]

Thanks addy -- generic confessional teenage angsty emo rubbish poetry has done a lot of damage to words like dreams, soul, spirit etc -- it's always a tricky pitfall to avoid, but who doesn't love a challenge now and then?

[ICSoria]

Leanne,
OK, I see you are also quite adept at Triolets as is Heslopian. I always enjoy the form poetry and appreciate when anyone obviously devotes the time to make sure it is properly crafted. Sorry, I have no suggestions on this but I am enjoying these forums so far.

Sid

[Leanne]

Sid, there's nothing I'd rather hear than that someone is enjoying our little playground You'll find a few instructions on form poetry in the Poetry Practice forum, though I don't think we've covered the triolet there (it's probably about time we did, thanks for reminding me!)

[ICSoria]

Sid, there's nothing I'd rather hear than that someone is enjoying our little playground You'll find a few instructions on form poetry in the Poetry Practice forum, though I don't think we've covered the triolet there (it's probably about time we did, thanks for reminding me!)

Leanne,
Thank you. I only discovered your "little playground" this morning but I am sure I will explore all its corners eventually.

Sid

[critical mass]

Leanne

I like what you've done here.

dream is fallen sounds odd to me.
has fallen, or is falling maybe

Not sure how that fits with the form tho.

Very nice sounds in this.
tugs at the strings a bit I think.

David

[Leanne]

Thank you, David. I will consider the has/is thing, I'm not too bothered by is but has would work fine if it's a problem for readers.