Alone

[ckeo]

A prince of night,
ghostly white,
throat giving rise to a scream

One wave of a hand,
to quell the land,
from his eyes how pityful it seems

A trembling shake,
from a mountanous quake,
froth does rise from the sea

Thunder roars,
as the lightening scores,
for every soul that shall be freed.

~ck~

[billy]

again ck, the more we try to be poetic the less we often are.
always give your work a title

just to put things in perspective....i never wrote as well as this when i first started writing, so don't worry hehe.

[ckeo]

Thank you Billy, this is one of the first ones I wrote.

[billy]

that doesn't mean it's good hehe. it seems i gave false praise, sorry about that ck.

for me it needs a strong edit. an anchor we can understand...more than ' a prince of night'
basically it's a little to general. it could do with a solid image or two running through the piece.
i still have to do big edits so don't take it to hard, i had to clarify what i said, so you didn't think it was perfect.
there's nothing worse than being patted on the back. please forgive me.

[addy]

I thought your opening verse was quite strong. I like it. Mainly my issues with this poem are with the last lines of each succeeding verse... they are pretty awkwardly worded ("from his eyes, how pitiful it seems" is confusing and doesn't sound natural), and not even in a way that makes their rhythm match the other verses (though you do make an effort to rhyme the final syllables). They are the only ones that spoil it, I think... so fix the rhythm in those and this should work fine