wannabe rebels

[heslopian]

they're everywhere
smoking pot on your couch
lecturing you about the moneyed class
who run everything and steal from us
while destroying our souls like tiny eggshells

and you know if they were smart
or rich enough to schmooze their way
into a double breasted suit
and fire a father of three kids
for resting his eyes on the job
they would

rebellion died with the invention of the microwave
and now all we do is watch our TVs
while complaining that TV is shit
and read the tabloids
while complaining that the tabloids are false
and talk about lynching
while decrying the state for its inhumanity

[billy]

the only nit i have is the first line. for me it's not needed and takes something away from the rest of the rant
i really like the 2nd verse as it reminds me of me hehe, i think
it captures how the masses act and react very well. sorry i can't be more constructive jack but i can't really see as how it could be improved

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Would it make any difference if I attached the first line to the opening stanza instead of having it there on its own? Thanks for the feedback and kind words Bilbo I'm sure you're smart enough to schmooze your way into a suit and fire family men if you had a mind to Either that or you could get rich peddling your arse

[billy]

for me it would be better as part of the 1st verse.

[heslopian]

Done

[billy]

it never ceases to amaze me how one little edit can change a poem so much for the better.

[addy]

This is a stellar piece, Jack. You summed it up perfectly.

If I had to pick a small nit, imo the "...destroying our souls like tiny eggshells" sounds a little cliche, but come to think of it that might be intentional in context

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Addy